I don't know why i have these thoughts!

[mychemicalromance]

ok, i have been genuinly suicidal before. Been there. Done that. But recently i have been thinking about it again. I mean, i aint extremely depressed, like last time, but idk. I just feel like it is what i want to do. There is something about just taking the pills, or watching myself bleed to death or anything that i want to experience
When i say 'i dont know why', i mean that nothing has piticularly provoked these thoughts. I dont really care if i die like so that aint it.
Like today i saw the hospital which is super tall. I imagined myself standing at the top. The wind blowing around me and then jumpiing. Its a euphoric feeling. It sounds so messed up.

Im not going to listen to the thoughts, just imagine myself listening to them, if that make sence.

[Jacklinger]

I'm sorry you feel like that. Sounds like past depression has given you subconscious suicide fantasies or something. I'm glad you aren't going to act on them.

[haleylove]

I totally know how you feel. I've gone through that whole suicide attempt thing, and a year later I was really depressed and thinking about it again; but that was with in reason because I was super depressed. But just last month I was actually happy and thinking about suicide. I think it has to do with the fact that once you've accepted suicide into your mind and into your life, it's like an ED and it can sneak back to bite you in the ass sometimes. You may not act on it, but some times you can't help but think about it.

[moon_light]

I get that all the time! In fact, my latest suicide attempt (over the summer), I was totally happy and skipping to class and then I decided to walk in front of a car. I get fantasizes all the time, and I find it hard to listen to other people talk about it because then I get triggered. I see knives and I imagine myself slitting my throat, I see buildings and I imagine jumping off them, I see pills and I imagine overdosing. I have screwed up fantasies and they feel so beautiful and amazing that, if I didn't have very solid common sense, I would believe that suicide is a great option. I know what you mean by euphoric...

It sounds totally screwed up, but I was reading a book on understanding suicide (Night Falls Fast-- amazing book) and it talked about a woman burning herself alive and I felt... ecstasy. It was amazing. Adrenaline coursed through me and I was so determined, jealous, and happy. It's scary and it's a pain, but I've just learned how to tune it out...

[mychemicalromance]

Thanks for replying you guys.
Yeah, im glad theres people who think the same as me. I cant help it. i just crave to do it and when that want comes i obviously have to let it pass.
Moon_light- those fantasies you meantioned, i have the same ones. It flashes in my head when i see something that would triggure them and i just imagine myself fadding out. I actually really enjoy it.
I have grown to nurish those thoughts almost, now. They are part of me afterall

[moon_light]

Yeah, Idunno, there's no "right way" to deal with them. I just figure I can control my actions, not my thoughts, and I know if I ignore such an important part of me it'll eventually become too overwhelming. So I acknowledge it to prevent chaos and sometimes I'll react to it, but mostly I just try and shut down. It's very... inconvenient. I can't do anything about it, either. It's just there and you just have to wait until it's over. Meh.

[rxa]

Ah, I used to get thoughts like that alll the time.. but then I learned to distract myself when it happened again so consciously I don't get thoughts like that anymore... but one night I got SUPER drunk and blacked out for a good 3hours I don't remember a thing that happened durring that time.. But the people I was with said that that's all I was talking about and was fantasizing ways to die and how I wanted to die and stuff.. But sober I'm not like that anymore I learned to consciously get past it but aparently it's still unconsciously/subconsciously whatever ya wanna call it .. so I don't know if there's a way to fully get rid of it.. hypnosis maybe?