I have to... Why?

[PSALM]

Sorry this is pretty long but i have to get this off my chest! I am pretty new to this site, I came accross it some how the other day. I have never considered myself Bulimic until recently when i actually thought about it for the first time. I have always ignored the issue in my head and have pretended to myself that it was completely normal. But it has now come to my attention that maybe its not?

I have been B/P now for 3 years. It comes and goes. A month on I will be feeling quite large (I think I have a pretty warped perception of my size) so I will do it heaps, then a month off because I gain some self-control for a certain amount of time (doesn't last long) and stick to a normal, however very restrictive diet. This diet does not necessarily mean I don't purge at all, but i try not to binge in my attempt to prevent too much purging. However, I will almost always purge just when I have eaten that little bit too much. I am trying to stay on a certain amount of calories per day eating habit right now and if i go that little bit over I have to purge!

I am so afraid to gain weight it's ridiculous! This whole thing just feels so ridiculous! The thing is, this is the first time I have EVER talked about it, and the other thing is I would NEVER tell anyone. Not my family, not my friends, not a therapist, no one... so this is my biggest issue. I know I could never bring myself to tell anyone about this and they would never expect it from me because I am one of those people who seem like the last person on earth to have some sort of eating disorder as I am always so happy, bubbly and normal around friends and family. I am a 21 year old female and study psychology at university (funny that!) ha, so I should know better about the health risks and reasons etc... However I just cant seem to stop! It kind of makes me feel good about myself sometimes though because I feel like I have this control over my life, but why? I don't know why I feel the need to have this control? I don't get it! I am just trying to find the reason for my behaviour in an effort to control it myself, will I just grow out of it? I have heard that there are statistical links between abused people and eating disorders? (not 100% sure of this fact)... I think perhaps I could fall into that category if its correct... wow that felt good to finally say it!

[zci]

hi psalm.
hun, I relate to almost everything u said, firstly, I always minimalized my behaviours, I suffer since 9 years, and it took that long for me to try to get better, and as u, I had phases where symptoms were not present, so I really thought this is normal...further, I am also trying to find reasons, I am not from the field, I studied law, where emotions do not have any position what so ever...I know where u r coming from...and I am like u, always the happy person, I made a huge effort so no one would know, but really, now that I am in therapy I learn that it is ok to involve close people, even if it is not family, say, a good friend or so?! and yes, as you, I feel in control...even though the ed takes over...and no, growing out of a ed is just bs, u have to address underlying issues, bc ed is just a symptom of emo issues, so rather think about it now than later....I feel deeply the same as u, u have voiced a lot of what I feel as well...I dont know if this helped at all, but at least u know u r not alone, in contrary, u voiced my thoughts...hug, and lets talk ?!

[chelsea__x]

im exactly the same. im very new to this site, and have had an ed for around 3 years however i only recently realised that i am actually not normal. i still sometimes convince myself that there is no problem but day by day i realise how much my lifestyle isnt that of someone without some kind of disorder. is this a step to recovery? i dont know. im scared. im also the same as you in the sense that sometimes it isnt apparent that i actually am bulimic because i just restrict my diet and dont really purge but sometimes im bping several times daily for what seems like forever. the more you talk about it the more you will feel like there is hope. a light at the end of the tunnel :) i hope you find your light soon

[corner791212]

Well ,I am kind of the same as you .I am afraid of getting weight too.But after my weight is down ,I cannot help eating more than before.I am very worried about my weight now but my appetite for is much better than before
!Everything is out of control!
Good luck


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[PSALM]

Thanks for the replies! It is very comforting to know that I am not alone in this. I decided that perhaps there is no point trying to get to the root of the problem, and i should just concentrate on preventing it from now on. I lasted 2 weeks of a very restricted diet and exercise routine that REALLY helped me to stop b-p. But i recently came home to spend 2 weeks at my parents place, I have a 14 year old little brother who just EATS EATS EATS, so there is soooo much food in the cupboards and its scary and exciting all at the same time. So I screwed up today, i went 2 whole weeks only purging like 3 times. But today was a different story, i went CRAZY! This morning I went for a run, had a little salad, everything was sweet, I was feeling normal. Then i got bored! and I was like "hmm, why don't I make a MASSIVE bowel of pasta, with tuna and sauce, and why not add in 5 chocolate bars.. oh and while im at it, eat a tub of icecream!" ahh, it just got out of control! I am on holidays right now so I need to find distractions asap before I go mad. I think i will join a gym while im here and just move in for 2 weeks. ha. My short-term solution is to fast tomorrow, its the only way! It's quite logical though... I thought maybe punishing myself after a big b-p I should have to fast the next day in an attempt to condition my mind and reinforcing it to thinking its a bad thing. If i B-P, Im not allowed to eat the next day, those are the new rules, Im gonna hate them. This is my next attempt.

[zci]

Its great that u r concentrated on getting better by yourself, Im not sure though that just fasting later will "clean it all up"...I mean that I wish u all the best, and I hate to voice this doubt that it is too hard by yourself, so, sorry! I can only speak for myself, and maybe I am a weaker person, I am glad I am in therapy bc I couldnt do it alone...good luck though :-)

[cofusedone18]

so you started therapy? was that your last resort like did u try to stop in the past? how long have u been doing it? and is therapy really helping? if so whens the last time uve b/pd? and lastly do u htink youll overcome it?

sorry bout all the questions ive been throwing up for the last 8 month not really a huge binger more anorexic tendancies and on occasion ive had days where ill eat something like grilled cheese, or pasta or cookies which i would absolutly never eat and feel the need to throw it up? or have days where i feel the need to throw up every meal so i can get the affects of being anorexic no food actually processinng but still being able to eat and aiming for a no calorie kinda day? but thats it ive had enough its consuming my life i wanna stop and i really need to kno if therapy really does help?? or what other methods your takin to fight this since it seems as though uve taken the first step to?please help!