jess046
12-23-2010, 04:31 AM
I didn't know where else to post this as nobody else could possibly understand but other people with eating disorders...and since I don't know any in real life.
I really want to commit suicide. This isn't just a spur of the moment thing because I'm upset, I've been feeling like this for many months now. I just can't bear this lifestyle. I have nothing in my life to look forward to, so I just want to end it. I just wish I knew how. I don't want to cut myself or use pills because both are too volatile. That's the only reason why I haven't done it yet. I lack the means. The best I could think of is jumping off a high building, but even then I wouldn't know where to do it before I could get caught. I might try standing in front of a moving train, but I would have to make sure the area was completely empty which could be difficult.
6 months ago I was diagnosed with anorexia and taken to hospital. I've been force fed with a nasogastric tube, admitted into a mental hospital and now I'm home being forced to put further weight on by my parents and outpatient treatment team. I'm 17 so there's nothing I can do about it. I am completely alone. I just want to get back to a normal lifestyle- doing normal things and eating normally (i.e not shoving copious amounts of food down my throat to put on a measley 300g per week). I hate what this stupid eating disorder did to my life. I used to have everything. I'm back at my normal weight and I just want things to be as they were. But that's good enough for my stupid doctors and they're forcing me to put on more weight. And I just can't do that. Because I want to be the old me who was skinny and ate normally. I don't want to be anorexic and starving myself. Nobody gets that. I just need people to back off and give me space to breath and be a normal kid again- free of anorexia and anxiety about weight gain. Nobody seems to realise i'm just a kid and I can't handle all this pressure.
I have nothing left to look forward to but sitting at home eating copious amounts of food to put on weight that makes me hate my body. They won't let me go anywhere; they went let me see my friends, they won't let me get a job, they won't let me go to uni. And I can't handle it. It's too much stress. Putting on this weight to get back to my normal weight has been so hard and I can't handle it anymore. But I know they won't compromise and they're going to try and get me back in hospital. They can't get me into a general hospital as I'm not medically unstable, but I know my therapists are trying to convince my parents to dump me back at the mental hospital. And I won't go back there. Do they really think it's going to help me being put through more misery? These people have no fucking clue how to deal with me. They think making my life as miserable as possible will make me comply, but it just makes me more angry. So I have no choice. I'm too angry and depressed- this weight gain has been so hard and now they're pushing me too far. I just want it to be over. I know you'll all try to talk me out of it if anybody bothers to respond to this, but I hope there's someone who knows what I'm going through who can give me some useful advice. It's my life and choice to end it.
I really want to commit suicide. This isn't just a spur of the moment thing because I'm upset, I've been feeling like this for many months now. I just can't bear this lifestyle. I have nothing in my life to look forward to, so I just want to end it. I just wish I knew how. I don't want to cut myself or use pills because both are too volatile. That's the only reason why I haven't done it yet. I lack the means. The best I could think of is jumping off a high building, but even then I wouldn't know where to do it before I could get caught. I might try standing in front of a moving train, but I would have to make sure the area was completely empty which could be difficult.
6 months ago I was diagnosed with anorexia and taken to hospital. I've been force fed with a nasogastric tube, admitted into a mental hospital and now I'm home being forced to put further weight on by my parents and outpatient treatment team. I'm 17 so there's nothing I can do about it. I am completely alone. I just want to get back to a normal lifestyle- doing normal things and eating normally (i.e not shoving copious amounts of food down my throat to put on a measley 300g per week). I hate what this stupid eating disorder did to my life. I used to have everything. I'm back at my normal weight and I just want things to be as they were. But that's good enough for my stupid doctors and they're forcing me to put on more weight. And I just can't do that. Because I want to be the old me who was skinny and ate normally. I don't want to be anorexic and starving myself. Nobody gets that. I just need people to back off and give me space to breath and be a normal kid again- free of anorexia and anxiety about weight gain. Nobody seems to realise i'm just a kid and I can't handle all this pressure.
I have nothing left to look forward to but sitting at home eating copious amounts of food to put on weight that makes me hate my body. They won't let me go anywhere; they went let me see my friends, they won't let me get a job, they won't let me go to uni. And I can't handle it. It's too much stress. Putting on this weight to get back to my normal weight has been so hard and I can't handle it anymore. But I know they won't compromise and they're going to try and get me back in hospital. They can't get me into a general hospital as I'm not medically unstable, but I know my therapists are trying to convince my parents to dump me back at the mental hospital. And I won't go back there. Do they really think it's going to help me being put through more misery? These people have no fucking clue how to deal with me. They think making my life as miserable as possible will make me comply, but it just makes me more angry. So I have no choice. I'm too angry and depressed- this weight gain has been so hard and now they're pushing me too far. I just want it to be over. I know you'll all try to talk me out of it if anybody bothers to respond to this, but I hope there's someone who knows what I'm going through who can give me some useful advice. It's my life and choice to end it.