What is wrong with me??

[zci]

Hey everyone,
I was at my parents house, started out with major rage and sadness bc my dad did not wanna talk...then after lots of good discussions with mom, and meeting old friends I went home today with lifted spirits...then I just had to go grocery shopping bc my fridge was emtpy, and I stuck to the plan I made with my dietition, until I saw the friggin icecream, and soup and cookies and pasta!!! Firstly, as always in the store, I started sweating, got shaky hands, and all I could think about was BP, so until just now, that is what I did :-( I feel like I let my parents down, major failure, not even for myself, but for them!! what is wrong IN MY HEAD??

[Sofy88]

I totally understand you! i feel exactly the same all the time that i do it! i have this feeling that i NEED TO b/p so i start eating everything that i find in the house...sometimes i even make food just to b/p it like cakes, french toats or cookies...my bad is that im a really good cook, everyone tell me that so i just think about all the stuff that i can make me just to b/p it...but when it comes the time to purge it i just feel terrible...i feel broken and disappointed by myself and my poor self control and the i think about my parents and the ppl that loves me and what they would think about me if they knew what i was doing...so embarrassed of myself =(

[chelsea__x]

i feel exactly the same as you both
sometimes i plan to bp because im sooo hungry i have to eat, but i know if i eat one thing i have to eat whatever i can, then purge untill i want to collapse
at the end i feel ungratefull, sad, angry, frustrated and horrible, and STILL fat
great, great, great.

[zci]

I am glad that u guys can relate , bc I always feel sooo alone out there...thanks :-) I personally think we all strive for sth, approval, in my case, its so hard, right?? hug to u, and I can really also relate back...its just hard to see that u struggle with similar issues, and all along I feel like I am the only one, I am soooo glad we can talk, I feel understood and not judged..and yes, chelsea_x, I have the same, in that when I start to binge I go into this all or nothing mode, I find myself not even enjoing what I eat, I just do...until I am painfully full...

[chelsea__x]

thats exactly it, "all or nothing"! and yes, im the same with that too. it gets to a point where i dont even want to eat but i tink "well you wanted to eat so fucking eat", i feel like i have to make it worth purging or thres no point. in some ways i quite like being so full that it hurts because it makes it easier to purge... thats bad right :(

[PSALM]

I know how you feel ! AHHH
I am so frustrated RIGHT NOW! I attempted to stop b-ping in the last week by putting myself on this really restrictive diet and regular exercise, and it was going soooo well! And then tonight i just fkd it! I am sooo annoyed. I am staying with my parents for a couple of weeks and there is so much food here, its unfair! and its freaking me out! I ate all these chocolate bars and a masssive bowel of pasta and icecream THEN My dad ate this massive chinese dinner and left me the left overs for lunch tomorrow... nuh! I hope he forgets and throws it out, or else im gonna have to find a way to destroy it within the next hour, like put an entire shake of pepper on it, that way I won't want to eat it tomorrow. Sorry I am just so frustrated with myself for screwing up again... I feel like i couldn't get everything out of my stomach and I am scared Im going to put on heaaaps of weight overnight. ha! Ive gotta get a grip. And To top this off my friends just called me to tell me they are picking me up for ice cream! My head is going to explode .

[black&white]

What's frustrating to me is trying to explain the BP urge to someone (read - my husband) who has never experienced anything like that before. That urge is soooo overwhelming. Any ED person can totally relate to another ED person, but others have such a hard time understanding. It's an addiction, really - at least part of it.

OP, I think everyone that reads your post can tell at least one similar story. I know I have MANY. :(

I decided to join this forum rather than lurk because it is nice having a place where everyone relates to you with this very personal problem.

[zci]

Thanks everyone! yes it is true! We all relate, for instance, explaining the whole thing - no chance....and also, the "u f wanted to eat so eat until u r sick"... exactly my thoughts! I am deeply troubled, having started recovery and I cant seem to hold my behavior in check once I leave the group :-( I am actually thinking of going inpatient in oct or so, just to break my habits, bc I seem to have all these other symptoms apart from BP, if I dont to that I either cut or drink or throw away food, not to forget I smoke...its all so bad, I just wanna get on with my life...

[anonomousmia]

wow, must of missed this thread up till now. . .how true it all is!. . .

i have once walked to the nearest supermarket, and like jogged back because i've NEEDED the food so bad!! how sad does that seem!. . .totally agree with the all or nothing to!! thats a mentality i really need to get rid of!!. . .i've even thought about starting smoking to try to reduce my eating! crazy!

hope everyone is ok :) xx

[katiescarlett]

Jogging back from the supermarket, that's nothing, I've got a taxi several times ;) It's only a 15 minute walk but I've been so keyed up and desperate to start stuffing that food into my mouth... How sad is that...