There's no winning

[cateka]

I'm having one of the most miserable times in my life right now.
It feels like all of the people I am closest to, friends, parents, boyfriend etc are all actually TRYING to make me fat.
I watch what I eat very carefully and exercise about 2 1/2 hours per day, but everybody keeps trying to stop me. They are such idiots if they think this isn't going to make me bulimic - OF COURSE I'm going to overeat if you keep pushing delicious fatty meals and desserts in my face and OF COURSE I'm going to throw up every bit of it because I'm not going to let anybody undo my hard work.

I've been bulimic for 6 years. I can't take it anymore, I've tried to take a more healthy approach, but no-one will let me get on with it! All I ask is a little support and instead I'm left to binge eat and throw up about 5 times per day. The rubbish thing is I don't 'starve' myself the rest of the time, I just watch what I eat, ie lots of fruit, veg and yoghurt with little saturated fat.

Sick as it sounds, I do really wish I was anorexic - and I am so sorry for saying this as I know many people battling that illness use this forum, but its the truth - if I could just cut out the eating I wouldn't have to be bulimic. Its a horrible thing to say but its the truth.

Today I have to come out about the bulimia to my boyfriend having kept it a secret for 6 years and I'm so scared.. so very scared. His response will either make or break me and I'm totally lost.

Anyway, sorry for that little rant, but I really needed to get it off my chest. Cheers sweeties.

[Thru_The_Looking_Glass]

Hey don't be ashamed or sorry that u want to be anorexic, most bulimics do. As bulimics we are out of control, however anorexics have control and can completely ignore food. We are always thinking about food and it is exhausting. I know exactly how u feel. I've always thought it would be so much easier to be anorexic, u just wouldn't eat instead of having the shameful binges and then having to find the time and place to purge. Not to mention having to walk around w the swollen puffiness thinking that everyone knows what sin u just commited. Im not saying that anorexia is easy, its awful and a horrible disease. Im just saying that it is very normal for bulimics to aspire to be anorexic.

[hellotheregirl_]

i agree with what is said above, i also wish i had the power to be anorexic and have that sense of control, and the fact i don't weakens and sickens me. my exboyfriend used to always fuss about my eating, constantly, he'd shove food into my face and i'd always refuse but i think he partly blamed himself for what i was 'putting myself through', and saw it as his fault.
i saw after a while that maybe i did need to see from his point of view, watching someone you care about try and do something like that to themselves must be hard, and to not be able to completely control it even harder. obviousley, from our points of view, this doesn't make a difference, but when i realised i sat with him and explained how i felt and just said that i would be careful and he was abit more understanding about it all. well he tried atleast.
my family haven't completely clicked or they have, but they're choosing to ignore it i guess, but my friends give me alot of torment about it, offering to buy my food all of which i automatically turn down and they buy anyway. that's probably the worse i get form them 'you aren't fat' etc. in all honesty, i guess it makes me more and more determined to show them how much more weight i can loose.
not sure if i've helped, but take care.
x

[cateka]

Thank you both for replying, its nice to know I'm not a godawful person for wanting to be anorexic.
I told my boyfriend today and he acted as though it wasn't that big a deal and told me he still loves me and then we just got back to normal. It was nice.
Of course the very second he left I was straight in the bathroom again, but what can you do?
I get what you say about friends going 'you're not fat!' too - the thing is, if your friends love you they'd never imply something so awful and along with that some competative people (especially girls) who are thinner than you can be keen to stunt other's weight loss so they don't begin to look fat.
I've got a question for all of them; If I'm not fat then why do I think I am? I have mirrors, I'm not blind, what does that imply?

Here's another little nasty comment which I ought not to type, but needs to be said - does anyone every notice that the people who always say it doesn't matter what you look like tend to be on the chubby side themselves?
I don't like to say cruel things like that, but it is these things that push us over the edge.

[hellotheregirl_]

that's so good that you spoke to him about it, i remember when i todl my ex, or he sort of noticed, and he never stopepd saying how beautiful he thought i was, but i just rbushed it off and he knew i wasn't taking it in. yeah, the fact you spoke to him in person and got it all out in the open is real good news for both of you, might make you stronger and things.
yeaah i know what you mean, that frustrates me, i feel so judgemental of people thinking it too.
i know my friends at the end of the day are only daying what they think right as friends, but if they werent my friends they'd not say it at all, and i'd rather they didn't.. it makes me so paranoid thining they're judging me. and i can handle the fact i'm fat, and i can sort it out, i don't need to be told i'm not, it's not like i hate calling myself fat, cos the fact i am sickens me yeah, but atleast i know.

[Thru_The_Looking_Glass]

I'mglad u talked to ur boyfriend too.Im glad he didnt make a big deal about it. My ex was really understanding of my ED, but my current boyfriend...not so much. Im not allowed to talk about it and if i do he gets angry and tells me that if i really wanted to be better i would be. He tell s me he hates it and thinks that i do it for attention. So, yeah im glad he was supportive to u. And about friends telling u ur not fat, ur prob not. Ur prob normal sized or thinner, u just cant see it. That one of the symptoms of an ED. Do u ever look in the mirror and think I dont look that fat, then look at urself again and u see a lil pouch,and then u look again and u look enormous? This is how i started to realize that I cant see what i truely look like. It is impossible to go from flat stomached to rolls in a matter of 5 min. So when u say u arnt blind, u actually are. But, still if them saying that bothers u, ask them to stop. And i dont completely agree that ppl who say u dont need to throw up and tell u not to worry too much about ur looks,are usually chubby. Maybe its just ur age group. Im at an age now where i dont have to deal w catty girls if i dont want to. I hated high school.

[model]

hey i no u posted this thread a while back, i was wandering how things are going? i model, and i was anorexic for a long long time, until i was given a contract to model in asia, when i arrived, everyone was slightly bigger than me, and where i should have stuck to my guns and stayed cotnrolled eating the food i felt good eating, the other models atarted saying i was too thin, i wouldnt book any jobs (now looking back i realise they were jelous because they didnt have the control i did) so anyway i started eating bad stuff so they wouldnt think i was was weird, i fwelt soooo pressured to eat food with them, they were always watching me, and the second i put on weigh i freaked out!!! so now a couple months later i have ruined my body, i cant model ive put on weight, my stomach and face is swollen, its terrible. basically im saying dont let people pressure u into eating, they have NO idea of the serious consequences there are to this with people like us. and im oging to admit it. health wise i beleive anorexia is far beter than bullemia. there is half the stress to the body with anorexia. ive been there severly with both, and all i wish is how i can come back to being so happy and so controlled. our society consumes far to much food as it is, in the wild animals miss meals form time to time, our bodies are alot stringer than we think when it comes to food restriction, but bullemia is another story, naturally purging everyday would not occur, it will does damage our bodies. heres what i used to say to my family when they noticed me not eat ' i dont eat when im not hungry, and if i am not hungery at lunch time, im not going to force food in to my body, im being sensible!' anyway i hope u r feeling better, and if u can, try and get out of purging xx