funny how 'tomorrow' never comes

[anonomousmia]

so yeah, does any one else find this? you say 'right, enough is enough, this ends tomorrow'. . . .'i am not doing this again, im changing things tomorrow'

. . .yet tomorrow comes around and its just another today. im so tired of it and it is getting me down. i had a photo shoot Saturday and have just seen a couple of the preview pictures, actually almost cried. i hate them. i look like a butch dog-faced fatty. Not happy.

And I told myself yesterday (after scoffing down a McDonald's and purging it) that tomorrow, aka today, was going to be the start of change. And to be honest after seeing these DISGUSTING, vile pictures of myself, im hoping they will be the frickin kick up the arse i need. Just needed to vent.

I've also found I make excuses for myself 'well I can eat this because I've not ate all day and I can get most of it back up'. . .err, that's backwards, and I know this, but it really doesn't seem to make a difference. I think its possibly the most frustrating thing I will ever come across in my life.

It's even worse as part of me HATES bulimia, I hate the fact food is all I think about, the fact I religiously count my calories, and that my knuckles have marks on them etc etc, you all know what I'm talking about. . . . yet, part of me likes the fact I eat what I want and don't put any weight on, and that I can get the 'bad' foods up I just can't seem to resist. But I want to stop, I just cant seem to. grrr :mad:

[DeadWeather]

Hey, I feel the same as you. It's almost like purging started out as this great secret, that you could let everyone keep thinking that you never eat bad, but then secretly go home and binge your face off.

I can go a few days without, but seems to get me in the end. Thing that I am trying to keep telling myself is that realistically, you dont' really get everything up. Your body starts to absorb calories the second you swallow. I read somewhere that if you don't purge within 15 min, the best you can do is like 50% of calories. That horrifies me.

I also dont' want to ruin my teeth. That would be the worst. Or get a crazy ulcer or something. I used to eat just normally, then the secret took over.

[zci]

I know EXACTLY what u r talking about, I have been fighting with it for soooo long, 9 years...and now is my first attempt ever of trying to get better....dont be so hard on yourself, I have bad shit days all the time...you have to accept that it takes time, I am always a fast forward person, doing things great...now lately Ive been experiencing not getting up, feeling low...it all just needs time, and we all have to give it to ourselves, e.g. last week I stuck two days to my meal plan and felt great, two days for the first week is great...so I told my dietitian and she also said it is good, instead of thinking failed...two days in a long time w/o BP, thats a start :-) so hang in there, try not to get too mad...I know I do to, you can read some posts...but there can be success, even in little steps...hug and hope u feel better

[Special P]

Today was supposed to be "The End" for me, and I was doing well.
I woke up, and had a breakfast of some cereal and yogurt after binging and purging last night, and I felt okay.
Then later in the day I had some more yogurt and that just sent me off.
I started eating spoonfuls of peanut butter, I had a whole bunch of cookies(like 12+) and the worst part is, I could hardly get any of it up! Like seriously...NOTHING would come up besides some liquid and a couple chunks ( I know, gross mental picture)
My stomach doesn't hurt as much as it usually does after a binge, but what I want to know is why it wouldn't come up? Given it wasn't my usually time of the day to binge/purge (I usually do so at night, hardly eating anything during the day) but why would that make a difference?
It's just so frustrating, and all it ended up doing was make me feel completely light headed and tired.
At least I work tonight so I can (hopefully) avoid food for the rest of the day. And then I work pretty much all day tomorrow so that will work out just fine as well.
But that still doesn't make up for right now! Gah I'm so mad!! I feel like my body hates me and my damn screwed up cycle.
Can anyone help me get out of this rut? I don't want to go back to binging and purging AT ALL.
I want to be free!! I don't want Ana or Mia in my life anymore. They can piss off. I want my life back. I want to be happy.

Please help me. Comment here, personal message. Just please give me some advice. I feel so lost and like no one can help me. Will life ever be good again?

[zci]

Hey hunny, I know, I want that soooo badly...please look,at my pm I sent u...also, about things not coming up, its funny, I cannt really explain but I have the same sometimes...when it overcomes me, I "try " to stick to icecream, that always works, or I eat so much(sometimes for 3!!!) that my stomach hurts and it almost has to come up, I have tried before, and then just eaten more :-( :-( also, I heard that you digest 2/3 of your binge anyway ! and that it puts so much pressure on your head that your body tells your glands to produce more salvia, so what you see coming up, apart from some food is liquid and salvia....hope I could help u a little, and again, look at my message as well, ok?! hug to you, and it is great that you are seeing it is bad for you and that it throws u off... I also feel lightheaded, very dizzy and just aweful, after the initial rush of success....
zci

[canttell]

honestly, i dont believe that you digest 2/3 of the binge.. i really dont. unless you wait a long period before purging. i think doctors just say that so we stop. honestly. cuz i pay attention to everything i eat.. and i know sometimes i cant get that first cookie i ate up, but everything else comes up, and i know that.. maybe its just easy for me to purge... but i feel it all comes up.. every last bit.. cuz im hungry when im done normally. =/

one of these days we will all just be able to let go. ive said so many times that today would be my last day... then tomorrow comes and its the same thing... argh.

[anonomousmia]

Cheers for commenting guys.

And yes P, I have had that before, where you binge really badly and then nothing seems to come up and it hurts?! Whats that about?! And its the WORST feeling ever!!

I also agree with the above post!! I honestly think doctors tell us most of it is digested to stop us doing it, because I know if I digested all the food I eat on my heavy binges I would definitely be overweight, and at 110lbs, I can assure you I'm not!! Plus I can SEE what I get up, yes I never get everything out but I know I get 2/3rds or even 3/4's of it out so I always start a binge with lighter calorie foods such as cereal.

Well I've been B/P twice a day since I posted my first comment, what a fatty!! feel so greedy, I like disgust myself when I'm like this. If any one wants to private message me then feel free, because I'd love some one to talk to, or help/encouragement with recovery and my parents recently found out and my boyfriend knows and obviously they are all really concerned. Cheers guys :o xx

[chelsea__x]

its like you're all dictating from my thoughts
its always tomorow, il stop tomorow, il cut down from tomorow ... i always think i can do it, then when it comes to it i never can
and although every single time i know how its gunna end, i convince myself that it wont be like that this time
it takes one thing to set me off then i feel like iv blown it so i think oh i might aswell have a binge now then start starving myself later
AHHHH its so frustrating! even though i know the effects and i know how pathetic it is, i just cant stop

[anonomousmia]

yes! i completely agree with the 'ah wel ive just ruined today buy eating 2 bowls of cereal insted of one, so i might aswel go crazy and just start 2moro' sort of thing!!. . .i do that ALL the time!! even did it 2day. . .ate 500 calories all day, then was hungry so had a cob with margarine, was very nice so i had another one, ok not a disaster, calorie intake still under 1, 200! but i go a buy a chocolate brownie cake, a tub of ben n jerries and scoff it! then obviously purge massively. grrrr!!!x

[chelsea__x]

its the worst! i do it all the time and then just feel so shit. grrrrrr! poor us x