It's like a never ending cycle...

[moon_light]

I've been battling depression for quite a while now. I hit an all time low last year (which was absolutely horrible...) but I completely 180'd September and most of October. It was the longest I had gone absolutely, completely, truly happy. Of course I was sad sometimes, but it was a HEALTHY sad. Everyone is supposed to be sad sometimes; my grief was justified. Just a few days ago I thought of suicide again and I was a bit concerned but ignored it. Now I can feel my depression slowly creeping back and it's freaking me out. I was so happy for so long and I don't want to give that up for anything. I think I made the mistake of riding on being okay that I didn't keep myself in check. Now I'm starting to self harm a bit more and I cry a lot randomly. It's not full blown, but it's just slowly getting worse and worse and worse...

Anyone have any tips? Anyone gone through the same thing? I think I just need support right now... blah

[Jacklinger]

I have had chronic depression for most of my life (20+ years) and all I can say is that age brings resilience. The older you get, the longer you figure out how to put up with it, the tougher you get. I think Nietzsche said "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" -- not sure if I agree with that, I'd say "What doesn't kill you COULD make you stronger depending on how you cope with it."

Go tell a doctor, see if they want to try out some anti-depressants on you, and I also recommend reading up about dealing with suffering as taught by Buddhism, look up anything written by Alan Wats. The man was a western Buddhist and a genius at explaining the nature of suffering and happiness using western vernacular.

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His book "Become What You Are" changed me forever. It didn't CURE me, but I never felt as depressed again as before I read it.

[moon_light]

I see a psychiatrist-- he tried to put me on anti depressants and anti anxiety medication but I told him no. I don't like taking medications...

Yeah, I guess. I mean, my depression first started during a really hard time in my life (when I was 10 ish). I have heart problems and I have an internal defibrillator implanted. It happened at 9 or 10, and the entire time I was really confused and angry at everyone: my parents, my friends, my doctors, myself. I was a freak because I had a machine in me and I couldn't play sports like everyone else or play with magnets; things that really didn't matter bugged me a lot. And, at the same time, I was in a sexually abusive relationship with an older friend of mine. I was just so unhappy and beside myself with confusion. Ever since then I haven't really been the same.

That was the worst time for me, I think. I was very close to killing myself twice over a span of a year: I had a knife to my throat when I was about 10 or 11 and I was slowly cutting in but I heard my parents come home and it surprised me, snapping me out of whatever had come over me (I told them my necklace cut me or something... why it would cut that deep I have no idea lol). Then, six months later, I took all of the beta blocker medication I had so that my heart would stop, but a little bit afterwards I threw it up because my dogs came into my room and licked me lol and I just broke down and cried and laughed. I love my doggies. This past summer I walked in front of a car (a man pulled me out of the way at the last second). I didn't even realize what was happening until afterwards. The entire experience was scary; I didn't feel like I knew myself.

Anyway! hahaha. As I've gotten older I've gotten over a bit more (excluding my summer), but it just scares me that sometimes I don't even know myself. It's so easy for me to do something ridiculous without realizing it. I have to make sure I eat three meals a day or else in a week I'll realize I haven't eaten in two days, I have to make sure I'm never alone for too long, I have to constantly be in check of myself. It's just unnerving.

Sorry for ranting! lol I'll definitely check out that book after I finish the book I'm reading now (: Thanks so much.