New Here

[InnerSilence]

Hi I'm new here,

I originally posted this thread in EDNOS but didn't get any response so i'mhoping that maybe i just posted teh wrong kind of message there and this might be a better place to post.


I have offically been diagnosed with EDNOS about 2 years ago but i had it under control and was worked really hard towards recovery and for the most part i was ED free for long periods of time. But now its all i can think about. I can't stop thinking about not eating, about pruging about finding ways to avoid food. I'm going home this weekend and we have a big dinner planned for Sunday and i'm already freaking out, already trying to think of ways how i can restrict or purge after dinner and its scaring me big time. I see my psychologist tomorrow first time in about a year and i'm scared what if she dosen't belive me?? what if she thinks that my relapse is just a reaction to my recent break up, how do i explain to her that it started a week before it happened before i knew anything was wrong. I don't know i'm just scared and nervous and none of my freinds understand, they look at me and they can't understand why not eating is even an option why its even a choice. Why its even a means for me to control the way i feel. Sorry for ranting so much i guess i just want to know that people here understand what i'm going through.

[kallista93]

I'm sorry you haven't gotten many responses. I think a lot of us do know what you are going through, but a lot of us are also scared to death of recovery, and also probably don't have better advise than your therapist does.
You aren't alone out there, though, & I know I understand the allure of your ED & it's attendant behaviors. I post on recovery, but I probably am not the best example of a food-obsession free life. I do think at this point I am functional, & I know I want to live & be healthy, so that keeps me going.
It's always stress that makes the ED thoughts come back for me, they give me a sense of security because they are something that I know, even if they are a crappy thing that I know. So in that way, I understand how stress can make them come back. All I have for advise is to tell you that maybe you shouldn't really expect the ED thoughts/ED voice to go away, because it will still be there in the back of your head. You have to learn to acknowledge it & talk back to it, & do what you know is the right thing to do in spite of it.
I think sometimes recovery doesn't work for people because they expect it to be a magic potion that will make everything alright. It won't, it will show you different ways to cope. Don't expect the feelings & the thoughts to go away, in fact, they might come back with a vengeance. Recognize them, acknowledge them, & then do what you know you are supposed to do. Talk back to them if you have to. "Feel the fear & do it anyway."

[InnerSilence]

Thanks for the reply

I had a psych appt today and i was super nervous and super scared but it went well. I'll see her again in about a month but we came up with ways to help at least with the urges. I'm supposed to try and spend less time on my computer if thats at all possible or if i am on try not to look up ED or SH sites cause that will just create anxiety and will lead to me being self-destructive. So if i do feel the need to be on my computer i should play online games or solitate or something to keep my min off of it. I'm going to try setting myself a time limit so just wait 30mins and then see how i feel and go from there. Also supposed to take a shower if i'm feeling like cutting as its still a physical release but in a different kind of way. So i'm going to try and see if these work. and she also said to try sleeping pills to go to sleep so i'm less tired and less vulnerable to purge or cut or just be self-destructive so we'll see how those go i guesss...

[kallista93]

I think I might try some of that advice, actually.
I spend WAY too much time on the computer. And I never thought about the shower thing.
Good luck!

[InnerSilence]

really struggling right now and not even sure why :(