fail

[perfect_disguise]

i haven't been on this site since summer, but i love the support and everyone on here who really have helped me to recover. but now i'm in a bad place again. why did i do this to myself, i was so bent on recovery and now i feel like all the advice that i got and the support i got from this site was wasted on a girl who really didn't deserve it. i can't even believe that i gave advice to people considering how messed up i am...

eating isn't the problem. i haven't restricted since i have been back at college, maybe three days but that was it and we've been back for six weeks. part of me wants to go back to restricting, it was so easy last semester and i lost twenty pounds. but now i eat like a normal person, except sometimes i eat too much but i have been working out so my weight has "stabilized" around 108-110. i want to lose weight so badly. and i know i shouldn't, and i can't physically because when i think about restricting my body won't let me go back there, i just keep eating even though i wish i could stop. i know if i lose weight i'll be unhealthy again, and i want to be healthy. but eating makes me feel awful about myself. i just wish i could stop again. after anorexia for two semesters and a weird combination of anorexia and binge eating over the summer so i could gain weight and look normal again (and a little bit of purging), i'm now caught in a pseudo bulimic phase where i purge a little bit from time to time. not everything, but i'll purge maybe a quarter or a half of what i eat on occasion. i don't know what to do. i'm definitely not anorexic anymore, even though i work out obsessively for weeks at a time (i had to take a break once because i hurt my ankle, and then this week because i got sick), i still eat within 1200 and 1700 calories a day (ugh). and i'm not bulimic, because i don't purge everything i eat. it's also kind of binge eating disorder because i want to binge eat but i can't because i have a roommate who is anorexic and i feel like they judge me for what i eat, and i definitely can't binge eat in the cafeteria, so all i can do is just think about binge eating and look at food porn occasionally, and sometimes i get to eat a bagel alone in my room when i know my roommie has class and i can get away with it. god it's so shameful. i think about food more than i should and it makes me feel fat (even though one of my favorite pro-recovery quotes is "fat is not a feeling"). i hate doing my dishes in the kitchen in my dorm because i'm scared people will see me and think i eat too much. because i know i eat too much. i have so many guilty feelings right now and i just purged one of the smoothies i ate tonight and i still need to clean my blender but i'm scared people in my dorm will see me with it. ugh. i just wish i could be normal. there's also so many skinny girls on my campus and even though i know i'm "skinny", i want to be skinnier, like them. they have the control that i don't. even though i know some of them must have EDs so technically they're not in control, but still...

i need advice. has anybody else experienced this? this weird identity crisis. i just feel terrible. i want to stop purging and eat normally (which i do eat normally, but i don't have normal feelings associated with eating). i have two conflicting sides. one of them wants to curl up in my bed and just eat jars of peanut butter and watch tv and be depressed, and the other side of me really wants to lose another ten pounds, but i can't even bring myself to lose a measly four pounds. it just seems so difficult now for some reason.

i hope somebody has some advice for me. i just needed to get this out. i hope everybody else is doing well! i'm so glad this site exists, i've met so many wonderful people and i feel bad that i just up and left but it was kind of triggering and i thought i could cope with this alone, but now i need support...

[elyse]

Oh my gosh, I missed you! Hi! Okay, I'm in a waiting room so I can't write a proper response, so I'll say this -- you are DEFINITELY not alone in this.

Will write more soon. <3

[elyse]

Okay, you. Here goes nothin'. I was feeling really weird a while back too, because I felt like my ed "changed shape" or something with this relapse-thing. Why would it do that?? But I get the feeling that this is quite normal, to kind of shift betwen different ed behaviors during different times in your life. So you're definitely not alone in that respect.

But I don't think that's the root of the problem, right? The ed identity crisis? It sounds like you are more upset because you feel like you failed at your recovery, and love, YOU DID NOT. Recovery is a process, that's something you've said, and it takes a loooong time. So I'm glad you got your weight back up over the summer, but the shameful feelings will take a long time to go away. I think pretending like things should be okay by now doesn't help any. Realistically, it takes a long time to undo these feelings, and the shame of it all. It's not real, just remind yourself of that. You are not eating too much, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I do think it would be helpful to keep thinking about your recovery and all. I know this site is triggering, I haven't been around much either, but I do keep in touch only because I think pretending I am fine on my own doesn't work for me. And I like that you are still remembering all your pro-recovery quotes and all, and I'm glad you're reaching out for support again because it takes time and support and patience with yourself. But you'll get there... I think we just need to be honest with ourselves. Restricting doesn't help with the shame, eating tubs of peanut butter doesn't help with the shame, and ultimately, hiding your blender jars doesn't help with the shame. I know the feeling, I'm not at all saying I don't totally feel like people watch what I eat. But I think (maybe) it takes honest hard steps combatting the feelings on a daily basis. If you want to purge, say it out loud to someone, email us maybe, and maybe we can remind you that you are not eating too much and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You want to be healthy, don't let this thing try to kill you. You're stronger than it, you told me that too I think. <3

Um, I guess none of that was advice. I just want to see you happy and healthy, and I know those feelings of self-doubt too well....

[paroxysm]

I'm in no position to help as i'm kinda going through the same stuff only i'm older, but i want to just give you a hug. a really really big hug.

[perfect_disguise]

thanks!

i missed this board! elyse, i hope you're doing well. i missed everybody, i got so much awesome support during the summer and now i do need it again. no more pretending that i can do it on my own. i really should go to therapy, but that's such a big step (and by that i mean a phone call i'd have to make to the counseling office, which doesn't seem like such a hard thing to do but somehow i can never "find time". weird...)

you're right about nothing helping with the shame. sometimes i feel like it's too late to change, or i don't have the energy to do it. sometimes it's like i actually like to be depressed, because changing would be stepping out of my comfort zone. but, baby steps right? i forgot about recovery being a process. i got back to college and i was doing so well. but my roommate is anorexic/binge eater/compulsive exerciser and it rubs off on me too much. i don't know what to do about the situation, it's eating me up inside.
i'm going to try to get back on track though. i need to be willing to put the work into it. i'm just kind of lazy i guess and shy away from things that sound too hard. but this is about living life, and being free... and i should want that.

thanks for the support, i really needed it :)