finally posting on here

[canttell]

so here's my story.. (ive been following the sit for about a month now, just decided to join)

been overweight my whole life, but really athletic... had a child, yada yada yada.. just recently i got into martial arts.. i trained and trained, and decided i wanted to fight, and make a huge change in my lifestyle. i worked and worked, using just diet and working out.. lost about 30 lbs.. never once did i even THINK to B/P until recently. for a while, i was eating so healthy, if i ate anything bad, my body WOULD NOT digest it.. i would get sick.. so i just stayed away from the bad stuff! sounds so easy, right? well not so much... i started becoming alittle malnourished because i was trying to drop too much weight, and wasnt eating a good balance of food. so i decided to eat a little more variety of things..

i think the BP really started when i went to a buffet with my bf. i ate.. and ate.. and ate. then i felt like total and complete crap after. so i went home and made myself get sick. then i ate good for about 2 weeks and went out for sushi... ate too much.. so what did i do? i got sick. then i realized how easy it was because my body would likely kick back the food anyways because of how healthy i eat on normal days. then the problem started. i have been restricting myself of everything TASTY for so long, that i just want it all... ALL the time. and i know if i eat it and let it digest, its gonna hurt me. my stomach is not used to this stuff.. so i think--i can just eat it and purge. well its become a habit and for the last month ive been doin it way more often than a normal person.

everybody looks up to me for the way i live my life... im so healthy.. i work out... i lost so much weight.. blah blah blah. but nobody sees this hidden disease that has just started to take over my life. its like im addicted. i have slight OCD, and i become VERY easily addicted to anything put in front of me.. thats why i was able to be so strict for so long... it was like a drug.

my friends and family would never even suspect it because if i eat something really bad for me.. they expect me to get sick... ive only done it with them around like 2 times, but i just act like im truely sick from the grease and fat that my body isnt used to. its so hard, and i cant tell anybody because i am a role model to so many of my friends and co-workers. they ALL look up to me for what im doing and what ive done.. its hard... im not depressed by any means, im happy as can be.. and i still work out everyday.. and eat healthy. i dont try to starve myself, but i cant stop.. ahh i dont know... thats my story tho..

[DeadWeather]

I am in the same boat as you. I know what made me start, but that reason doesnt apply anymore and now I can't stop. The worse part is that it's making me gain, even though i eat healthy besides the binge purge. If I tell anyone, they'll think I"m weak and that I cheated my way to be thin. But it's not true, i looked so much better before this started. I can't believe I am one of these people.

[canttell]

i think the worst part about it, is that i am so good at hiding it. my weight fluctuates so much that its not a noticeable change.. people still think im losing.. ill lose then gain it back.. etc.. but its becoming annoying because i always want to B/P. i think about it at night and have to wait til the morning when nobody is home.. i have bags under my eyes and its driving me nuts. i start school soon and i have to stop. or at least cut back.. i cant be spending all the time B/P.. its a very time consuming habit!!! and i need to focus!!! plus im supposed to have a fight coming up, and im not gonna be in my best shape if i keep this up... grrr:mad:

[DeadWeather]

I know. I think it's a vicious cycle because after i do it I clean everything up, the bathroom floor around the toilet that has gross splashmarks everything, the kitchen that has been ransacked with empty boxes and wrapper, dishest, the mascara dripping down my face...

I clean it all up, and then I feel good. Like it did not happen. I look at myself in the mirror and say no more. I can beat this. And then today happens.

I read something about binging to numb the pain. I dont' have pain per se, but I am really struggling to finish a thesis to graduate. I think that i get overwhelmed, and then b/p is an escape.

It sounds so dumb, cuz I feel like I am too smart for this. I know all the reasons why you should not do it, and why people do it, and probably why i do it. ALso, that in the long run, it doesn't work. You friggen can never purge all the calories anyway, and f up your body that you can start gaining weight in freaky places. Give yourself ulcers, mess up your esophagus and spend a zillion dollars on groceries.

I bet this is what smokers feel like. They know deep down inside it's killing them, but until they are in their cancer death beds, they convince themselves they will stop before it gets too bad. Denial is a dirty slut. Their fingers stink of nicotine, ours like bile.

[DeadWeather]

Hey where you at sista? I have been b/p free for two days! I think the secret is surrounding myself with friends, and getting out of my apartment, and not buying any foods that tempt me. It's when I'm alone that I can't trust myself.

[canttell]

i feel exactly the same way as you...

and its hard when im by myself.. or at home period. when im at work, i eat like a saint. would never dream of B/P at work..and dont even crave bad things... its when im at home when i want to go to the store and get stuff to binge on... and then on my way to work i throw away all the evidence like it never happened.

[DeadWeather]

ya. I'm back again. booo. I was doing so good. Then one night i came home from the bar and ate a whole box of KD. And today, I baked brownies, but then at like 5 as soon as they were out of the oven. FML.