I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Here.

[Example]

PLEASE KILL ME
PLEASE KILL ME.
PLEASE KILL ME.
PLEASE KILL ME
PLEASE KILL ME.

I don't want to be alive anymore. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to go to stupid CAHMS for my eating and just sitting there for an hour saying nothing. I'm sick of not wanting to recover. HOW-FUCKING-EVER, I'm sick of feeling hungry. I'm sick of counting calories. I'm sick of self harm. I'm sick of feeling suicidal 24/7. I'm sick of my family. I'm sick of my school. I'm sick of life.
I wish I could disappear from the face of the world.
I'm THIS fucking close to doing something really stupid. I've gone through ever aspect of it, deleting things which shouldn't be found, writing shit for if I do do it.
I'm so fed up of it all.
Shit son... I haven't been this bad in ages.

Someone fucking help me.
Please...

[Droopy]

It gets better
sometimes
Even just for one hour, you will get peace
and that hour is gana be the best freaking hour. Because life will feel worth it again and you will feel just slightly proud of who you are again
And waiting for that hour is why waiting all the shit out and not letting go is worth it.
Believe me, I waited 6 months for my hour. It gets more frequent, mayb one every week
but its worth it
so hold in there xxx

[Starlight53a]

I wanna help you but I dunno what to say!!!! :( Please feel better, though! **hugs**

[LightsTurnOff]

You know what as much as I dislike living my life, I'm glad that at my most suicidal I didn't go through with it. I can't tell you what made me change my mind but I almost feel better having been there and turning away from it. It would have been very easy in that moment to not go back but it would have been a waste of all these years that I've held on through the madness of my situation. It wouldn't have been worth all the shit thoughts I've put up with to just throw it all away.

I thought I would never want to change - I'd pretty much planned my life solely on living with disorder forever and it's very weird to tell you honestly I think I have hit the turning point where I want something better for myself now. It's taken many, many years and change doesn't come overnight but I don't believe in this moment that EDs have to be forever. You have to commit to the change though, I would never try and rush a recovery on yourself. If now isn't the right time, step away from it and come back at a later stage when you feel fresh and ready. As you will already know it's the biggest struggle trying to change the habits that are so deeply engrained within. I really didn't get on well with CAHMS, I'm not going to tell you to pursue it if it's not helping you. They didn't help me but it made me more determined to give them all two fingers and look for someone who was willing. Although I did start back in adult counselling well end of last year, it's only been in the last couple of months I've made such an effort to really work on my behaviour. I still worry that things will get really bad and I'll lose it, do something I might regret later but I feel better equipped to tell myself no almost. I think I have come to terms with the fact that I will most likely always think the way I do but I have the choice not to act on it. EDs don't give you choice and it's been hard to learn how to make decisions again. Most of the time I am still ruled by my eating habits but it's the few moments where I am not that makes me hopeful.

Obviously you decided not to go through with suicide and I'm really glad because I think when the change comes for you it will really happen - you just have to hang on in there until then! When school is all said and done with and you have a family of your own and a life of your own you'll want to live it out to its full potential and killing yourself ends that before it even started. It's probably hard to give a shit about that right now and I wouldn't blame you, but you should stick around for when you do.

[Jacklinger]

I agree with Lights, and, as someone who also has depression, I found this website to be useful:

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