what goes through ur mind when u binge??

[LM]

when i used to binge a few years ago, i used to just think about how good the food tastes, just enjoying what i was eating. not really thinking about much..
but recently, my thinking patterns when i binge are starting to worry me. it's like i obsess over what i'm eating. it's actually really disgusting. i literally stuff my face with food and gorge it down like i'm starving. and all the while, i know what i'm doing. i know that i'm going to regret it.
the weird thing is, the food doesn't even really TASTE all that great while i binge now! even when i'm full i still keep going and going.

how about the rest of you? what goes through your mind as you sabatoge yourself with food?

[something-blue]

i dont really think about anything. i think thats part of the point for me, i just feel sorta "high" as long as i keep stuffing things down my throat and get really upset when my tummy starts hurting to the point that i cant continue. ...and then comes the "crash" i guess. :) but for me it started as "ooh this tastes awesome" as well, now i dont even mind much what im eating.

[rush]

I've tried to understand my thinking pattern at times. A binge usually happens after I feel stressed or bored. I think that emotion scares me, and binge eating numbs that feeling a little. When I binge, I feel some sort of "high." For a moment, I feel "thin" because I eat so fast, and I don't feel stuffed. It's like the food doesn't phase my body. But, once it hits and I feel bloated, I'm reminded of how fat I really am. The high is short lived, and I continue to binge, because all I feel and think about after that is guilt.

[Souris Sourire]

I think about how quickly I have to eat so I can purge. I feel very 'point A to B' when I binge. I'll eat food A while planning/cooking food B, move on to food C etc etc then purge ASAP. I just think about the food and keep going till I feel...satisfied? done? I'm not sure I just reach this point where there's nothing I want to eat anymore so I don't. It's not that I'm thoughtless, I just never remember what I was thinking. I'm usually doing something while I eat. The longer I binge, the longer I can put off purging.

[stargAzerkitty]

How much can I get in me all at once and how fast before I regret it.
How fast can I get it out, it feels like I'm racing against time.
Then I either suffer the stomach ache or purge, either way I end up beside myself.
I hate it, I hate food but I can't stop eating it, it's a madness.

[nathrakh]

I always have a voice insulting me in the back of my head, when i binge. And certain thoughts circling around

Its telling me, its not too late, i can still stop the binge, and trow the food away, i dont have to eat it all. I hate myself, i hate myself, i hate the food, but i cant stop eating it.
I am fat, disgusting, a weakling and worthless
I ruined everything i worked for by binging now
This will be my last binge, after this never again

[LM]

i had a pretty intense binge session today..
and this time i analyzed my thinking patterns more thoroughly.. and it's exactly how some of you describe it. i want to offset the guilt so i eat more and more.

[happytapeworm]

Its almost like you want to sabotauge yourself , like your not good enough to be happy. Or sometimes its just because you can. Thats how I feel anyways

[TinyFairy]

What goes through my mind?
It use to be how much and how fast I can eat before running to my room because I hear my mum or room mate.

But now it's just "grab, take a huge bite, take a swig of water, swallow and repeat" Although right after when I raelize what I'm doing I feel so disgusted with myself.

[iCannotBeLoved]

Feelings of worthlessness, and thoughts of nothing, for I am consumed by the food and the process of eating itself. I have a ritual of while I'm eating I'm watching my favorite TV series on my computer, so that's my way of distracting myself of the feelings of worthlessness, the actors on TV seem so happy, and I feel involved with them.

Maybe this is where the healing begins, to target the binging.

[Skinnyjeans]

happiness.... :(

[cleart]

I used to just enjoy, forgot about everything, just me n food lol, but now.. I eat n enjoy ye but at the same I'm just thinking already how it would come out n how stressed I would get if i suddenly won't get it up, should I eat it at all, should I throw it away, "dog, where r u?" xD it's so stressing.

[ellenwest]

I think about how good it tastes for maybe the first ten bites. After that, I completely blank out. It's kind of like a hypnotic state.

I've tried to meditate before. But I've never come close to achieving the same level of mindlessness, blankness, as when I'm binging.

[smalasussie]

Yeah, I totally feel completely blissfull for the first several bites... then I'm filled with self-hating and want to punish myself.

[Dani Torrance]

I think.....

you're a fat fuck, such a loser, failure, weak, stupid, unworthy etc etc

Binges suck both from a physical and emotional perspective, it's just another form of self harm IMO.

[m!lk]

as of the beginning of December I had been doing really well. Then last night I binged, I would say the trigger (say a chocolate bar) is good but then I totally zone out and I'm just thinking of getting through it as quickly as possible. Then comes the guilt and self-loathing.
I totally relate to the sabotage thing, last night I binged because I had lost weight.

[effyclaire]

Guilt. The entire way.

[Veganelf]

In the beginning I think, ok just stop. You haven't eating THAT much yet. Then I eat more...ok stop already my mind says. Then if I am not able to stop, I just shovel mindlessly into my face and feel like a fat fuck failure and absolutely hate myself.

[wingspan]

I barely think about anything. My mind just goes so blank that I can barely remember what I was doing/thinking/feeling, especially mid-binge. I tend to remember the beginnings or ends of them, but during I'm just so out of it. In the beginning I think it tastes amazing, but I can't remember anything between then and the end, or until I start purging. I love the feeling, its definitely like a high. I don't have to think or feel anything when I'm bingeing. All my pain and anxiety and all my thoughts and depression just melt away for a bit.

[SufferForBeauty]

"Eat more... much much more. Oh no stop eating this isn't good you're going to have to puke. I need to puke though I can't wait to puke it's going to feel so good to get all of this out of my stomach. But, oh, no, where should I purge? My dad is home... I'll have to run the shower so he doesn't hear... Keep eating I never want to stop eating get more food eat more food I need more food... Maybe tomorrow will be better... But right now all I want to do is eat until my stomach feels like it's going to explode..."

-What goes through my mind on a typical binge.
It goes from just enjoying food to bliss to hating myself to anxiety to loving food all in a span of ~30 minutes until I purge.

[boopers]

I feel the same way,,,I use to lOVE everything about the Binge the taste the whole experience i didnt care I just want to stuff the feelings away,,but as my ED progressed then I turn into bulimia and the purge was my new high,,for me bingeing is like numbing out stuffing down all my emotions and feelings until I just cant eat anymore..then it the purge that release all my emotions for the few min I feel high a silent calm..then the gulit hits me..

[KatieMatie]

I focus more on the texture of food, I tend to binge on cereal and toast and DIFFICULT TO PURGE STUFF >:I but its the crunchy ness of cereal and the texture of peanut butter and I really fovus on how it feels. It's like I have a void I need to fill with food. I'm always talking myself out of it though, when I walk to the cupboard NO YOU DONT NEED TO EAT ANYTHING and then taking it out of the packet YOU CAN TURN BACK ITS NOT IN YOU YET and even when I'm eating it I'm trying to talk myself out of it. It's like it's not even me eating, like I'm watching someone else do it who wont listen :/

[Rhy19]

When I used to binge, the only thing that went through my mind was pure happiness. I felt "high", it tasted so good! I think that was the whole point of my binges, I felt down and low, so I binged so I felt nothing but happiness and a numbness and then afterwards those feelings of being down, low, depressed would come back ten times stronger.

[betty2505]

Its quite helpful to hear what some of you think. When I go into binge mode even if the food tastes good it doesnt register properly because Im in that frantic mode, sometimes Im just mindlessly eating and eating. I`ll say to myself stop but I just cant, then I think oh well Im going to purge it up so keep going.
Then when Im purging Im telling myself how useless, weak and pathetic I am and how stupid I am for thinking I could actually last any period of time without binging.
Then after I feel so disgusted at myself, especially when I see the plates or wrappers lying after, its like I just realise what I have done and think oh my goodness how did I let myself do that. Then I proceed to spend the rest of my time utterly depressed.

[Sophia113]

Personally: I have to eat more, I have to eat more, I have to eat it all. Just one more bite. There can't be anything left on this plate. If I eat all the junk food now, then there won't be any more.

[sara1234]

I only really ever binge when drunk..which is quite often tbh :( I usually eat under 500 cals, am doing the ana boot camp diet atm. I never buy food in bulk and don't keep junk in the house, so I don't have anything to really binge on. If I plan on having alcohol I usually go to the gym first, stay there for hours and try to burn off at least 1000 calories before the nite out..and even then I'll only have spirits with diet mixer. But then, once I'm drunk, I get this need to binge. And eat around 5000 cals :/ It's disgusting

[tees-and-bones]

I'm usually like "fuck thin", all that matters is giving my stomach some food. I disgust myself.

[NewSkinnyJulia]

ooh boy when eating monster wakes up in me its just my mouth and food...a loooooot of food...I eat and think ''great Julie u r doing it again''...and each time I'm like oh well THAT was the last time for sure....uh huh..yeeahh right...who ate 2 pizzas in a row 4 days ago so I could hardly breathe? Yup I did it again..stupid fuck...
Well I'm on ABC diet now, day 3 and for now its all good, although I was about to buy a donut but I didnt..what a progress!

[LM]

ok...i've been binging lately and my thinking patterns have changed somewhat..
i'll take another bite of whatever i'm having and 'punish' myself for eating by eating some MORE.

damn.. my brain is effed up.

[Cloudy]

When I start to binge it's for the taste. Then a few minutes later and it's just whatever I can put my hands on that I normally can't eat. It happens so fast I can't think or make up my mind.

[m!lk]

absolutely nothing.. and that is the beauty of it.. total freedom, oblivion & escape. I've given up on feeling bad about it once I have started a binge, so I feel totally free and excited about what I can eat.. until I stop the binge haa then I could tear my hair out thinking about being unable to stop in the long run and weight gain

[sheenabeans]

From the minute it starts, my brain is literally SCREAMING at me to stop...probably the scariest thing about bingeing (aside from knowing how fat I'm inevitably going to get from it) is the fact that I'm doing something I DO NOT WANT to be doing, and I can't stop myself. :(

[chalfasa1223]

Before I was really aware of what I was doing and had attached the labels "binge" and "eating disorder" to it, I actually enjoyed my binges, tasted them, thought of little else...Now though, all I think about is how I'm going to have to not eat for the next week to make up for this as well as what I'm going to eat next. There's really no pleasure in it.

[psychoticbeauty]

Have you ever heard of depersonalization (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)?
That's what happens to me each and every time I binge. I don't really think, I just feel like playing in a movie and just watching myself from far away... (Actually I don't "suffer" from depersonalization at binging only, I kinda live with it but anyway...)

[LM]

^ omgosh, that's it. that's what i go through when i binge. i don't enjoy the food, i don't even feel like i'm 'experiencing' the food. i just feel like a robot with no soul, inhaling everything edible.

[Divine]

I'm binging after depressing news or stress situations.While eating I'm disgusted of myself... after that I lay in my bed wanting to cry and die.I'm feeling like my whole life has been intoxicated by the food poison. :(