I've realised what it is that's making me really reluctant to recover...

[mel_92]

Ok I'm meant to be recovering right now, my parents think I'm doing really well because I've got so much more energy, I seem happier (but I'm not), and I've put on weight so I'm now in the healthy range. The truth is, more than anything I just want to lose weight again. Now that I'm eating more (binging :() I'm thinking more logically in the fact I want my periods back, I want my hair to stop falling out etc.

Anyway, there are several reasons I'm unsure about recovery, one being that, as sad as it really is, nothing makes me as happy as losing weight does. And also I don't know if I WANT to eat 'normally' because my ED at least gives me something to focus on, seeming as at the moment I only work part time and don't really have much going on atm.

But I've realised what it is that's making me really reluctant about recovery. I want to be an actress more than anything, but I'm terrified I'll never make it, and so I feel like if I still have weight loss to look forward to (even tho it only makes me happy for about a minute) then I'm not so much of a failure. I'm doing a gap year and going to apply for drama schools for next September, but I'm so so scared that I'm not going to get into any, and that I'll never achieve my dream. I was just watching a behind the scenes documentary about Eastenders, and it made me really miserable because watching the actors work is what I want so much and I'm so scared I'll never get it. Earlier I was thinking, 'what if I fail my auditions to get into drama school?' I instantly thought, 'well at least I can still get thinner.'

I'm honestly not expecting any replies to this because it's just me rambling on but I just thought I'd let it out.

[JEANNE]

Mel!~ yes, expect to get replies b/c you deserve to be heard and validated. YES! expect to get into drama school !, be an actress! and realize your dreams!!!! YES! do epect that, hon. don't take it away from yourself before youy even begin..... geez, YES, dream and try and do. B/C you can and will achieve whaterver you put your mind and heart into. You really will.

I understand the fears of failure, the fear of dissappointment, the FEARS of it all, but hon really do not take away from yourself what is certainly possible and what you deserve to have: your dreams, your future. I can look back in my life and regret sooooooo much, but I plan to do from this point on what I want, what I need, what I choose to do. I don't want to live with any more regrets and I just don't believe that you should give up at all.

You want so much out of your life, give yourself the chance to realize it all. AND I must say that figuring out what is holding recovery back for you, knowing that is a huge big step. good job on that! Now the trick is to "feel the fear and do it anyway!" Do it anyway, Mel. Remember that I want to see you on stage or on the big screen someday,,,, I am counting on it, don't let me down. I believe in you 10000000%! You go girl. You can use this gap year to build up your confidence and your can-do attitude. :) I know you can, Mel. I KNOW you can!!!!!!!! xxoo Jeanne- your biggest fan!

[elementofblank]

Love to you, Mel- I have no doubt that you will reach your goals!! Will write more later but for now, sending you lots of support and big hugs. xx

P.S. Listen to Jeanne!!! :)

[mel_92]

:) Thanks so much guys! It's something I've always worried about, but since my ED my confidence has gone to rock bottom, so obvs I worry about it even more now! I'd just hate to never make it, and then live the rest of my life always wishing that I had, and feeling like I'd never fulfilled my dream. So I'm kind of shooting myself in the foot if I don't even try :D

Auditions for schools start around in December/Jan so I'm going to start applying next month. The one I really want to get into is in Manchester, and I *think* you don't have to audition to get in! From what I've read on the website, it's just an interview type thing. I'm on the waiting list anyway, so hopefully I'll hear from them soon.

Jeanne, I'm really glad you're going to just go for things in the future! And I'm sorry you look back on things with regret.
Thanks again both of you for the replies, it really means a lot! x x

[elyse]

Hey Mel! I know, I'm late to the party here, but yes, you totally hit it on the head. It's the ed that will hold you back by stripping you of your confidence. You will do great things with your life! But first you have to let go of the thing that's trying to squash everything else. It's kind of messed up, but you think that you don't want to recover IN CASE things don't work out with your dreams. Well, this is the worst thing you can hold onto if you have any kind of dreams, because it's totally true -- by giving you something to focus on, by making your hair fall out, by stripping you of all your self-esteem, you won't know how to go after your dreams. Love, you are going to do great things. Great thinngs. I'm so happy you came to this realization, it's HUGE. <3

[discobarbie]

I really understand what you're saying although our eating disorders are different. I dropped out of university after the first term a couple of years ago because it shattered my confidence and my eating disorder was getting really bad and I didn't think I could do anything right but that. Then after I left I didn't have anything going on really except for my eating disorder and like you said having that to focus on made me feel in control of my life because the truth was that I felt completely out of control of everything. Right now I've been trying to recover and improved for months now and I was feeling alot stronger so have been looking into reapplying to different places and starting my degree again but I'm so unbelievably scared, no one understands how scared it makes me and my eating disorder habits are coming back because when i feel out of control of something other painful memories start flooding back. So yeah basically I understand how scared you are and how your eating disorder is so comforting and familiar and it gives you control. I think the irony is that applying to the drama schools is the only way to combat your fear of it, take small steps that push you forward but don't push you down. Maybe putting your energy into researching courses and praciticing your drama can give you something else to focus on... it might not feel as safe but it's much more productive. Practice keeping up a positive attitude no matter what happens.

[mel_92]

Elyse - thank you! Yeah, it's totally messed up logic. Both choices are scary, the drama schools because of being scared I won't make it, but if I just forget about it and concentrate on only my ed, I'll spend the rest of my life totally miserable. I guess I'm just lazy and want both options to be easy! :D But I am serious about acting, so I do need to get used to the rejection really. Whenever I read interviews with actors/actresses they always say if you want to be in that industry, you have to be thick skinned because it is hard being rejected so often. So rejection combined with my low self esteem from my ed is not a great combination! Haha.

discobarbie - thanks for replying :) Sorry you dropped out of uni, but well done for looking for courses so that you can try again! I hope you get a uni that you really like so that you can enjoy doing your degree. I've just been signed onto my part time stage school's agency, so if I don't get into any drama schools, there's always the hope that I might get something from the agency. And if I don't get into any schools, there's always the next year and the year after. That's quite comforting knowing that there's not any age limit, so I might get to 60 and still be applying! Maybe then they'll feel sorry for me and just let me in :D