I feel like I'm going to relapse at any moment.

[dreamxonxaxwish]

I haven't been here in a while. I've been doing so well. It's not that I'm being a healthy person...I'm being normal.

But right now, I feel like ANYTHING could push me over the edge. I feel like I've gained a ton of weight. (In reality, I've only gained 2 pounds. Which is a healthy normal weight for me.) I feel like I'm so ready to slip. That anything could stress me over the edge. This morning I weighed for the first time in a while. I was surprised I hadn't gained a ton more. Yet, I still went into the kitchen and started counting up my calories for the day. I stopped myself before I got far. (I don't count calories anymore. Way too triggering.)

Has anyone ever been in this stage of recovery? You're doing well, pretty happy, eating normal...but just waiting for everything to come crashing right back to your eating disorder...


I just needed to vent about this.

[JEANNE]

Hi hon,

not been in that exact position with recovery, but the SCALE is a trigger for me. It dictates my day, mood, ED. Hmmmm, what would you be feeling differently if you'd gained? What would you be feeling differently if you'd lost? AND how is today different from yesterday or the day before?

IDK... just some things to ponder b/c obviously you are NOT larger or different day to day. Its just that tricky ED mind playing with your vulnerability.

PLEASE keep yourself on the path you want to be on (recovery, right?) Lots of potholes and side roads, just keep moving forward b/c YOU CAN AND WILL DO THIS! Look at all you have accomplished so far, you can do more. Good luck!!!!! xxoo Jeanne

[elyse]

Brooke, right? Who says my brain is swiss cheese lol...

I don't know that I'm in the stage of recovery necessarily, but more that I exist in that stage of life so in that aspect I understand. I feel like I go through the day forcing myself to do the things I know I need to do because anything could set me RIGHT back on a road to nowhere.

Regarding the calories, I remember Isa saying that she couldn't count calories because it was too triggering for her too. I kind of think it's a normal part of recovery, or it sounds normal to me -- you are doing well, you want to be happy, but you just are waiting for the last card on the card house kinda thing. It doesn't mean it will happen, it completely might not. But we are so accustomed to being unhappy with ourselves that you get nervous when things are going to well... I hope your recovery gets more peaceful soon and I'm very proud of you for how far you've come. I think you should keep going and look forward for the day when you can just be happy with your normalcy. :D

It was nice to hear that someone is doing pretty well, all things considered... thanks for venting to us. :)

[dreamxonxaxwish]

Thank you, guys. <3 *hugs*

It's like that Charlie Brown quote, "I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens." This week has just been a bad week in recovery but I haven't let it take over. I have not counted calories, I have not talked down on myself, I have just argued with Ed and fought to not relapse.


(P.S. Wow. You remember my name. :D That makes me really really happy. Haha)

[the_littlevoice]

I'm right there with you. That's how I feel right now. I have all these awful thoughts that I just ignore and push to the back of my head. Try to hang in there. Remember all your motivations for recovery you can do this! Send me a message if you ever need somebody to listen.