For those of you who deal with depression...

[elementofblank]

It's back.

It's been hinting around for a couple of weeks but only yesterday did I realize that it's back. For real. And I don't know what to do. I've been so focused on my anxiety for so long that this totally has taken me aback- I have no reason to be depressed! And I think that's what pisses me off the most. Anxious? Sure, I should feel that. But depressed? What the what????

I'm exhausted. I haven't run for almost a week and a half. I just want to go to sleep. But I'm also dull. The dullness is what proves to me that I'm not just having a bad couple of days. I just can't smile as big, can't get up the strength to be enthused about anything. I don't feel... anything. Just tired. And the desire to go far, far away.

Nothing makes me happy. My boyfriend is really worried; he's trying to figure out what "caused" this. And that's when, after dealing with this for thirteen years, I have to tell him that nothing caused it and that there's nothing he can do. I hate that.

I also want to eat. I've never had that textbook depression where you sleep a lot and lose your appetite. I sleep a lot and the binge monster rears its ugly head. I'm just too tired to restrict. I'm trying to change my mindset, though. I want to work this depression so it benifits me as much as possible. Hopefully I can be too tired to eat.

Right.

Anyway, I'm prepared to head into this, and I know it's going to suck. I'll need support in order to avoid getting into purging too often and hopefully, by venting here, I'm not going to drive away my fiance.

Here goes nothing. :eek:

[elyse]

Oh, Amanda, you're not alone. We're here for you every day, all day. You're well loved, so don't let yourself go through it alone.

[elementofblank]

Oh, Amanda, you're not alone. We're here for you every day, all day. You're well loved, so don't let yourself go through it alone.

Thanks. <3

[JEANNE]

Absolutely what Elyse said, hon!!! OMG, you know whqt, depression is "caused" by a chemical imbalance. It is so judged and misunderstood. Ask a diabetic what "caused" their recent need for insulin or why their blood sugar is whacked. Sometimes it just is. MEDS, Amanda??? I am NO ONE to talk as I have just survived about 10 months of a depression and currently find myself manic (bi-polar is me). I pray that I can maintain mania for awhile, I understand hon that depression feeling, that lack of wanting anything (life, friends, support, attention, anything and everything!) OH, all I can say is yes! we are here for you, pleeeease come back daily at least and let us know how you are doing and if you can at least keep yourself from sinking lower, by all means at whatever cost do it: make yourself run! (it helps!!!!), make yourself shower and dress nicely, make yourself get out of the house, maintain contact here. I care, I know all of us care and most understand this black hole.

Sending you only good wishes and hugs and whatever you need! PM me and I will do my best to do whatever I can. Take care as best you can, think about meds! I am supposed to be on lamictal and it is a good (no gain) anti-depressant. Keeps me stable when I take it. I care about you, so sorry for the upset right now, it sucks.

[elementofblank]

Thanks, Jeanne! I was talking to my sister today (who also deals with depression- we're a fun family lol) and she reminded me that it IS a chemical imbalance, that it can't be controlled, no matter what the circumstance, and how easy it is to forget that. Thank you, also, for the reminder. Sometimes it's so easy to place blame and get caught up in the "why" of the situation.

Meds! MEDS!! I've been on something for both depression and anxiety for thirteen years. The longest I've been off medication was this summer, and it was just my Cymbalta that I dropped, because it was costing a whopping $120 a month (with insurance) and I had had enough. I think that might be what's going on now- the switch in medication. I was on nothing for two months, and then had a terrible time with stress induced hives, so I went on Zoloft. Now, it's just a matter of time to see if that helps. I think that mentally, I made myself keep up my spirits before my trip, and when I got home I crashed.

The annoying thing is that I can't remember what it feels like NOT to be on medication. I know what withdrawal feels like, and I know what depression feels like, but I can never tell you if something is helping, because it's been so long. But I know that I need meds to be normal, so I have to reevaluate what "normal" feels like. And I want normal to be happy. Making sense? I think not. :)

Is lamictal for bipolar only?

I PROMISE to keep coming on here and posting. I love this site and I'm so glad I'm in contact with all of you. Plus, it's something I can do in sweatpants from my bed without showering. :p

I owe you a PM and have a lot to say re: children's books- so excited for you that you finished your project!

xx Love and thanks again. Must sleep (more...).

[JEANNE]

Well, yep that makes sense that going off the cymbalta (after the body uses up the reserves) will set you on a downward path. Lamictal was original a drug for anti-seizure I think.... but they found it helpful with the cycling moods of bi-polar. also, I know that it is an anti-depressent that is known to not cause wieght gain so often prescribed for ed patients. It helps me (when I consistently stay on it). If it helps my family tree is stocked with nuts of depression, ed, schizophrenia, ocd, addictions.... we are fun lot at a family reunion! though we can't ever get a get together going b/c the drunks are too wasted to commit, you can't depend on the bi-polar part b/c if they are manic they plan something elaborate and expensive and impossibly unrealistic, if they are depressed when they plan it we end up in aunt Maude's basement where it is small, dark, dank, musty and uncomfortable. and if the paranoid schizophrenics plan it then its all held in secret and they won't let us know WHERE they are! :) no offense to anyone, its just my whacko family of which no one talks to ME anymore, so maybe they reunion w/out me. Good thing b/c all I'd want to do is clean up before and afterward and avoid the buffet table!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, enough of me, back to amanda.

Family.. yea, fun times. I'm glad you have a sister to remind you that its not your fault, you have limited control (other than the meds and keeping yourself with the land of the living). Just do your best, we need you around here, thanks for writing.

Maybe your "normal" is what you feel on the meds. that the meds not so much mask the real you but allow the real you to exist b/c the meds are taking on the job of balancing out the brain chemistry. You are still you on meds, just assisted to help with the depression.

Well, have a good day, Amanda. I hope those hives hit the road soon! Take care hon.... are you going to do anything FUN this week-end? Is it Fall-ish were you live? We tend to go straight from a brief summer to 2 days of Autumn and then 9 months of Winter! talk about depressing!!!! ugh... well, enjoy you day!

[elyse]

Hi Amanda,

I will try to write more later today, but I wanted to say I'm thinking about you. You're so sweet and good and I'm glad you're here. (And I'm usually medicated too, and I have feelings about that that I might expound on later.)

Lots of love. <3

[elementofblank]

Elyse- that meant so much to me. Thank you. <3 Let's chat re: medication at some point.

Jeanne- oh, the things that we could talk about re: family!! Your description gave me a laugh because I KNOW that situation all too well! We're all depressed, anxious, socially phobic alcoholics. If you count prescription meds, we're all druggies, too. Har. And my little family of four sticks out like a big sore thumb around our extended family... Especially my sister and me; we're the strange ones, the big failures (although in the grand scheme of things, we're actually doing pretty damn well! It took me a long time to realize that.) But we're close- my family had to accept my depression a long time ago, when I was still living with them, and they've cared for me through it- and they're a great support to have. And the stuff I can't tell them- the eating stuff- is why I'm here and living in our lovely recovery forum!

I'm actually feeling better. Yesterday was a big improvement. And here's the weird thing- I think it's because I'm back to restricting. I feel so much better! It's just less to worry about- plus, all the purging was bringing on so much guilt and my head hurt and my throat hurt and my eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my scull- these past two weeks have been rough. I hope that I'm coming out of it.

I see my doctor again next week- I want to keep close tabs on this.

Thanks for the love, girls. I really appreciate it. I wish it was fall-ish, here... it's supposed to be, but instead we're reaching record highs. I want my sweaters! :)

[elyse]

Oh god and it's so cold here! It's like 60 degrees when I drive home from work at 11 pm! I can't even put the window down! :( I'm going to freeze to death this winter... noooo....

Anyway, I'm glad you're going to the doctor and keeping an eye on yourself, that makes me really happy. And... I understand about the restricting. I don't know if I'm necessarily... thrilled... with you guys restricting, but it's DEF better if you're feeling better! :) And yes, we will chat. I'm horrible at returning pm's at the moment, but maybe I'll write you in a cpl days when I'm back to myself. Talk to you soon.

[scarlettstrings]

been dealing with it since eight so i now the feeling and i have givin up on meds i ve been therapy for 13 yrs hasn't really done much but i enjoy the talks. anyway you are not alone wiht it thatt for sure and i frankly don't have a soultions the werid part it now depression feelings just feel normal to me so i have learn to cope with it. but i'm glad your feeling better and whatever works . jst works (hugs)

[laurabun]

yup, the others have it right. sounds like clinical depression, which is different from situational depression. unfortunately, clinical will be with you for many years and can only be improved with medication. you might have to try several different meds to find the one that works for you. again, it's nothing to be ashamed of. and yes, it runs in families. get help, have a strong support group, even if it's only one person, and you'll have a life worth living. don't ever give up, and don't let it beat you. we're here for you. TAKE CONTROLL!!! :)