better off dead

[Rhiannon]

i really dont know what to do. ive never been at this low a point before. every corner i turn i discover a different way of how i have fucked up my life by making bad decisions.. and its not like im trying to make them!!! im just trying to figure out how to live life and go down the "right path" but appaerntly i cant even figure that out... this ED has fucking ruined me. i was so much happier BEFORE. at an average weight.. not thin, but average and not fat. WTF. now i've spiraled in and out of anorexia now currnetly in BED/MIA and life just fing sucks because no matter how much i throw up the lbs still slowly keep adding up... and i just sit at home all day, not even my home, family friend who helped me out while going to private college, but wait! fucked up there too, dropped out now am 11 thousand dollars in debt. i dont talk to anyone. i sit/lay on my ass and binge bc for some reason thats just the rythm of my life now, and i dont know how i got here.. i used to be so strong!!! you cant even imagine how great a person i used to be!! now im just a loser who couldnt love herself enough to make a change.. to stop being lazy in every sense of the word.. i mean, COME ON!!! isn't there any hope for me??? ive been living like this for so long, ive waisted a year of my life trapped in this cycle of self hate,etc.. all encompassing this fucking ED... im considering therapy.. but im not sure if it will help.. i dont really talk to ppl bout my issues.. theres just too damn many.. and for a college drop out im kinda poor at the moment.. ill probably regret this later, but i wish God would either hurry up and make things better for me, show me theres hope, or end it, bc im honestly starting to wonder why the hell im even on this earth, living life, which i KNOW is beautiful, or so i've been told, i just can't seem to find the beauty of it yet...
glad i got this off my chest.. still dont feel better though.. like i said.. its a never-ending vicsious cycle. FML.

[Jtormented]

Good job.
First off every life is precious.
Death is the last thing you need....you need support.
And something to get ED off your mind.
That always helps.
<<support

[Sparagmos]

Wow. Your life and my life are practical the same right now. I ,truly, do feel your pain.

I had to take some really bogus class my last full semester at a college I was going to but for some reason one thing stuck out in the class that I have been thinking of recently. Its pretty cheesy really. But, supposedly a study found that people who keep clear mental images and thoughts of exactly what they want there life to be like in say 10 years from now have a high probability of actually attaining those dreams (Yeah I know this could be true for a variety of reasons, but ya gotta think of the positive =D). So, I've been trying to envision what I want my future to be like and act as if it were so, or act towards making it so. Only thing for me is that future normally always has me happy doing my dream job, but some how ED type thoughts are all equated into that happiness =/. Eeek maybe I shouldn't mention that to you but....
anyways I'm not the best at giving advice, but things CAN get better in time if you want them to, and all this to can pass. But for now you have my deepest sympathies and always feel free to message me if you'd like.

[Rhiannon]

Good job.
First off every life is precious.
Death is the last thing you need....you need support.
And something to get ED off your mind.
That always helps.
<<support

may i ask what "good job" is suppose to mean???
and i know i need support.. and everyone on here who talks to me does help.. but its not TANGIBLE if that makes sense.. like simply writing msgs back and forth dsnt completely help me...

and to Sparagmos... yuh, life always gets better, ive heard it a million times.. and i used to believe that but im losing hope.. WHEN will it get better is the question... another year, ten more years?!?! i dont want to waste my life.. i dont even know what i want out of life so i cant to that envisioning thing you were talking bout... im just so messed up.. i dont appreciate myself or life.. and i really dont know what to do.. i feel like anyone who tries to say something, like you guys for example, i just take it and some how twist it so that i get around "taking it in" i guess, and im still stuck sitting here completely miserable.. is that what it seems like im diong?? idk how to explain it... ijfdk.

thank you though.

[Jtormented]

Good job implies you're reaching out...meaning you want help. thats better than hiding it and not accepting the problem, and you cant put a date on recovery. It may never get better, thats the glass half empty way of looking at it. Have faith in yourself, dear.
You're really the only one who can help you. and im sorry you're so upset... keep your chin up...