Out of my Brain

[sadgirlsmiling]

I went to a job interview on Friday and the guy took advantage of me. I've been sexually abused and raped before (and, for reference, I am bipolar and have GAD and PTSD). I talked to my husband about it, but just said that he wanted me to do things and I said no. (Maybe I should've told him what happened after that, but I can't bear to.) A part of me wants to die, but I've not seriously considered suicide in so many months and I can't bring myself to the line.

I'm trying hard. I broke out my crayons (drawing is something my therapist and I have been working on). I cut. I worked out until I was about to pass out. I hit myself with the weights and kicked a doorway to bruise. I purged breakfast, skipped lunch and will purge dinner. (I want to binge so badly.) I've had a couple shots of vodka. My meds didn't stay down. And of course I've cried and cried.

I think I'm doing ok keeping my happy-face on for DH. I know I should call my therapist and I will tomorrow. I don't know what else to do. If I cut more, DH will think I need immediate intervention. I've never burned before, but I'm thinking about it. My legs are already ruined and I have a pack of cigs from when I used to smoke. What am I gonna do when I can't keep numbing and punishing? If DH finds out what happened and that I lied about it, he'll divorce me. And I've always known that if he leaves I'll die one way or another. I'm dreaming and I want to wake up in the hospital.

[Jacklinger]

You have to tell DH eventually. He married you for a reason didn't he? I would bet he really loves you and would want to know everything you just posted here. If he read it, what do you think he would say?

What happened at the job interview that you're not telling him? I think I have an idea. And it's not your fault. He's not going to blame you.

You don't deserve all this pain, sadgirl. I'm pretty sure he would feel the same way, because "for better or for worse," and "in sickness and in health" are supposed to mean something don't they? Give him a chance to be your husband. Talk to him.

[Felicia320]

I agree with Jack. And maybe it is time to look at treatment with so many abusive behaviors at one time. Not trying to lecture, just worried about you.

[sadgirlsmiling]

What happened at the job interview that you're not telling him?

Would be easier to list what he didn't do. He had me for four hours.

DH says he wants more communication, and even told my therapist that. But when I do open up, it's like it breaks him because he can't help. I can't let go of the feeling that he'll leave me, either because I'm a slut or because it's too much for him to handle. We're already struggling with my past abuse and the most recent was 10 yrs ago.

I am going to see my therapist asap. I didn't call her yet because it's the weekend. Thanks both for commenting.

[JEANNE]

Oh my gosh! Oh my, I wish I could do something for you, say something! I want to say "I can't believe...." out of outrage but hon, I DO BELIEVE said from personal experience and I am just so angry and agasht and sad and miserable on your behalf. IDK what to say.... if you could say something to your hubby what would it be? Can you write it down? Its eating you up and the trauma is coming out in all this self harming ways. Can you have DH read this posting like someone suggested? I am sure his frustration comes from not knowing what to do and I'm sure your fears of abandonment come from past experience. He is with you for a reason, he loves you. And sometimes uniting in trauma and in tragedy bonds 2 people closer together. He might be honored by your trust. thanks for sharing, I so wish it could be different for you. and I am so sorry! xxoo Jeanne

[sadgirlsmiling]

Thank you, Jeanne. I just keep coming back here and re-reading responses. I'm really stuck on your signature. I left a message for my therapist this am and hope she'll get a break to see me. I didn't burn but I'm not ruling it out. Saying "never" tends to make me obsessed.I feel more and more away. I think it's too late to tell DH. the longer you go without telling, the better you get at the lie, and the more it hurts rather than helps when you tell. I can tell my therapist because she doesn't know yet. so when i tell her it will be the truth all at once. but dh will only feel betrayed. i'm so hungry i want sugar sugar sugar. i think i know why this happened anyway. i should never have tried to change. i need to be what i am.

[Elizabeth]

I hope you are going to file a suit against the guy who did this to you.

[JEANNE]

Hi Sadgirlsmiling.... are you ok today? heard from your therapist yet? that is soooo good that you called her and keep coming back here to read responses & get support! My therapist told me once that people that have been abused (myself repeatedly as a child and then re-victimize myself as a teenager and adult) have kind of a "aura" or something about them that predators can sense. Sorry if that sounds all wildlife and instinctual, but its true. I guess what I am saying is that for me I constantly out myself in dangerous situations b/c I feel I deserve the pain or deserve the victimization (NOT saying this is true for you or anyone else!) AND its true that sick bastards can just kind of sense our vulnerability and take adva ntage of that fear or that lack of boundry or whatever it is. What I am saying is that you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to feel embarrassed or shamed about. I wrote something a long time ago about "when did my body belong to me?" as in, when was it not open territory for every JOHN (ironically my abuser's names!) to use and abuse for their own pleasure and my pain.

Here I go off on a tangent, sorry. I hope you can move from a place of hurting yourself to a place where you can treat yourself with kindness. You deserve that kindness and peace. You might be feeling fartheer and farther away b/c you are numbing out the feelings in self-preservation. I do that too. It never totally goes away and sometimes helps, but eventually you have to come back to yourself. I think DH would be there when you come back... and you are right the lies, even the lies we tell ourselves get more dimmed with time but they never will go away. The body remembers. I'm glad you have a therapist you trust and that will believe you, validate you. Keep coming back to this site..... you are not alone and I care. take care of yourself! be well as best you can. xxoo Jeanne

[sadgirlsmiling]

I'm sorry. I'm not ok. I told DH how I feel and he's behind me in pestering my therapist until she can see me. I've called her office and cell and left messages. but the longer it goes the more i feel like I should just keep calling over and over until she picks up. but i know that's not productive. the guy texted me to tell me to check my e-mail. his message said that he wants me to keep meeting him and he'll pay me. i can't even describe it. i deleted everything, every contact we had. i don't think i remember what he looks like. i want to roll around on the floor and scream. I know that ppl who've been abused are more likely to be attacked again. they didn't tell me that when i was in therapy first, as a kid. sometimes i wish they had so i could be ready. but apparently it doesn't matter how many times it happens. i haven't gotten any better at defending myself. i love you, jeanne. not in a creepy way. you know what i mean. i hear everything you're saying with my heart. i'm sorry if that makes no sense.

And i can't file charges. if dh knew who he was, he'd kill him. and i don't want that. and i don't want anyone to know, look at me and see what i am. i know it's weak but i am.

[JEANNE]

Ahhhhh, i Love ya too. And I know exactly what you mean!!! You told DH, how great is that and he took it well. ? yes, he took it well? YOU have Nothing to be sorry about, its ok that you are hurting or feeling this. Its permissable, its human, you matter and this was not ok for what happened but you are allowed to feel like crap. You will be ok, you will be ok...... :) wtf is with this guy? texting and emailing? wtf?!!!!! that's stalking and one of my sick bastards stalked me until I moved out of town, the stupidjerk! I quit my job and moved out of town to get away. I couldn't have pressed charges either, though I had a legal right to, I just couldn't emotionally do it. Oh god, pay you?! truly wtf? they do think of us as property or service or objects, don't they?! obscene, horrendous, just makes me literally sick. you go right ahead and scream, hon. scream you head off..... isn't that something, I also cannot cry, cannot scream, cannot get angry. so controlled, so professional or Poker Face I've been called. when all I want to do is scream my way through the day sometimes or cry, cry, cry.
and you know what? my defense is not defense too. I just shut off, dissassociaate, float away. that is a defense, that is protection, that is how you and I survive multiple incidents. I am so sorry..... and sending you so much hugs and support and just compassion. Just compassion. you make perfect sense and you are NOT weak or wrong or bad or ugly or insignificant or damaged. You matter and you are strong and worthy and you will be ok. I hope your therapist calls soon, you've suffered and waited long enough. thanks for keeping us updated, I care and I want you to know that you are not alone. xxoo Jeanne

[sadgirlsmiling]

I actually cheated my language. i didn't tell DH what happened, just how i felt. we have a 1-10 scale to help me express how i feel instead of trying to find words when it's so hard. i told him i'm 5 because 6 is intervention. So i guess i lied about that too. i don't want him to miss work. he already missed some on Fri. (on top of everything else, i ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere on the way home and he had to leave a hour early to get me. fortunately, he's salaried and it was ok.) maybe missy (my therapist) can help me, if i have to tell him, do it in her office with her there. i dunno. i know that i should be furious at this guy, but part of me always thought that this is all i'm good at, since i was first abused as a very young child. and a part of me thinks i could use the money. how sick is that. I know what you mean about just shutting down. i'm very good at that. being bp, i have such vivid dreams that it's hard to distinguish from reality, and even in my dreams i dissociate. back to dh, he's being supportive. he knows i'm sesitive and thinks the come-ons messed me up. sometimes i'm triggered by movies even. so that's good, that he knows my feelings are real no matter why.

And why are interviewers calling me now?!?!? i'm waiting for missy to call and i have to make nice with these people... i want/need the job, but why now?

[JEANNE]

well, cheated language or not, you did the right thing by telling him. And yes, I think if it feels right that telling him all in your therapists office is a safe, healthy way to do it for both of you! (hey, I'm bi-polar too..... sucks, but explains alot too for me). I'm glad he is being supportive, really glad!

And you know what? thinking that you deserve it, rationalizing that you could use the $, not allowing yourself to be furious is all self-protection too. Its learned helplessness (and what better time than as an young child when we are soooo dependent, to learn this skill) and it kept you safe as a little one and now. You're not sick, just trying to survive. And I don't know about you but for me, these things bring me back to every time before. The flashbacks, yes the dreams!, the body remembers everything.

I hope Missy calls soon.......... I'm off for a few hours here, but hang in there, hon. You are doing some really healthy, good things for yourself by talking and sharing and choosing not to hurt yourself. Haven't you been hurt enough????? You don't have to hurt anymore! :) TAKE CARE! xxoo Jeanne

[sadgirlsmiling]

Just wanted to pop in and say that I will be seeing Missy, my therapist, tomorrow afternoon.

[JEANNE]

good, glad you got into see her. Please let us know how you are doing afterward. wishing you all the best! take care....... xoox Jeanne

[sadgirlsmiling]

I went to see Missy, and it really helped. (She's also going to call today to check in on me and I see her tomorrow for our regular appointment.) I talked to DH. It was so hard, and I still feel awful. It may sound silly, but I feel more hurt from lying to him and possibly exposing him to an STD than I do about the actual attack. I'm making an appointment with my Dr. for an exam. They'll call me when they can get me in asap. I want to make things right with DH.

I'm not suicidal, and that's so weird to me. The old me would have been. But good therapy and meds seem to have changed that.

As I'm writing this, my Dr called. I have a 2:30. Please cross your fingers or pray or send good thoughts. I want so badly to be negative. <3

[JEANNE]

oh good for you, hon! Good on lots of levels: good you went to see Missy and that she was great! Good for your honesty with DH! good taking care of yourself with the Dr. appt (that was one of my biggest fears too.. the reality of std and all that! good luck, I am praying for your good health, too). good for you for staying with the meds and staying with these good people that are supporting you now and in the furture.

That is really awesome that you are taking care of yourself and letting others help you through too. Hon, I'm glad you are NOT suicidal! You can get through this and be stronger, wiser, healthier for surviving it all. You are alot tougher than you think. :) be well, it will be ok, it will be ok. xxoo Jeanne

[sadgirlsmiling]

Doc said everything looks good so far. Swabs and blood will come back in 3-5 days. I'm starting to feel less rotten. DH says this was woven into our skeins. (He's Asatru.) Basically, that this is a part of our lives and belongs here in some way. May sound strange, but it's comforting. I'm feeling kinda numb. I don't know what to do or say. I slept most of the day after seeing the dr. Part of it was the blood being drawn and next to nothing in me because of b/p. But I still feel like sleeping. Too bad I have to see Missy in 2 hours, so I can't. Anyway, just wanted to give an update. :/

[JEANNE]

yea, go see your therapist and then rest. Wow sounds like your hubby is awesome.... I like that thread thing, I like that alot. Its emotionally draining to go through something like this. It really is tiring and the aftermath stuff is tiring. Don't be surprised if you feel sad or depressed too. It happens, just a whole range of emotions now and maybe for awhile. Just take care of yourself, be well. thanks for the update!!!! xxoo Jeanne