I fucked everything up.

[angie]

I used to have a boyfriend; of almost two years. He was crazy about me, he would always say things like he wanted to marry me one day. He was my first love and my first time. He was really immature and childish though, and our relationship was unhealthy. We spent far too much time together than is normal. We were both guilty of being jealous, clingy, and controlling; and I'll admit that i was wrong too, but i also admit that things needed to change. I met my current boyfriend a year ago, and we became good friends. i ended up leaving my ex for him in April. When my ex found out he became enraged and hasn't spoken to me since.

I never quite ate normally, but i didn't have a clear and apparent eating disorder until April. See a correlation? I know that there must be some connection but i just don't know why. I know I did the right thing; I followed my heart and instincts, like my friends and family advised me to. I logically know that I'm in a healthier relationship now. So I should be happy, right? Well, most of the time, yes. However sometimes, and especially late at night, I really miss my ex. I think about him everyday and wonder what he's thinking and how he's feeling. He has every right in the world to hate me. i just wish he didn't...everyone says I'm young and nothing means shit right now. Then why does it hurt so much? In fact, why do I care in the first place? I left him. Being with him sucked, so I got out while I was still ahead. So why do i miss him so much?

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I stuck it out, and worked it through, maybe I could have been happy. Maybe I wouldn't have an eating disorder. Did I bring this all upon myself? Every single day and night, every time I purge, or fast, or go on a crazy ass binge, I ask myself why. Why the fuck am I doing this?! A few nights ago I had to make a list of reasons why i shouldn't kill myself. I'm so miserable and feel like I'll never be happy again. That my ED will just haunt me forever, and I'll never escape it.

So someone tell me, if I did the right thing, and it doesn't really matter anyway, then why does my life suck so much?

[Jacklinger]

That's a tough one.

I've been rejected in favor of an abusive/bad boyfriend very many times. And I have no idea why so many women do that. :confused:

Maybe someone else knows more hopefully.

[wen na ithil]

i am quite sure that it is psychologically relatively well explicable.
generally, women are more prone to masochistic than sadistic behaviour (i know, not everyone, and in different measures..), and especially on this site (either we're harming our bodies by starving, deprivation, purging, or beating our selves up mentally for eating..) most of us exhibit self harming tendencies.
Its not a far reach to see why you would be missing a relationship that wasn't good for you. we don't nessesarily want what is best, often we yearn for strong feelings, even if they are negative.
sorry if this all sounds so impersonal, its not, i just want to let you know that you're not alone.. I spent 4 years with (or without) a guy who really screwed me up. thing is, he was and will always be the perfect gentleman, so i can't even hate him for it. but you will get over it/him, in time. might never go away completely but it will dim. i would at this point like to say: don't you dare make the mistake of going back to him! but i won't since i don't know everything about your relationship, your history. so do what makes you happy. and i hope that is the thing that is good for you.

pm if you need support.

[angie]

i am quite sure that it is psychologically relatively well explicable.
generally, women are more prone to masochistic than sadistic behaviour (i know, not everyone, and in different measures..), and especially on this site (either we're harming our bodies by starving, deprivation, purging, or beating our selves up mentally for eating..) most of us exhibit self harming tendencies.
Its not a far reach to see why you would be missing a relationship that wasn't good for you. we don't nessesarily want what is best, often we yearn for strong feelings, even if they are negative.
sorry if this all sounds so impersonal, its not, i just want to let you know that you're not alone.. I spent 4 years with (or without) a guy who really screwed me up. thing is, he was and will always be the perfect gentleman, so i can't even hate him for it. but you will get over it/him, in time. might never go away completely but it will dim. i would at this point like to say: don't you dare make the mistake of going back to him! but i won't since i don't know everything about your relationship, your history. so do what makes you happy. and i hope that is the thing that is good for you.

pm if you need support.

I never looked at it like that before. Thank you for the insight and support.