Reeeaaally long, rambly post

[something-blue]

So...uhm, Hi :) I started writing this like three times already today, but Im afraid it wont get any better or more reasonable than this. Maybe this isnt even in the right section, maybe its a rant more than anything else? Anyways, basically I dont know what to do. I mean, I know what to do: get myself into treatment and grow up already, or something like that.

Ive recently found myself in a hosital and once here my body decided to reveal that it is falling appart rather more quickly than what I was hoping for. In fact, even more quickly that what I had planned as my worst case scenario. It turns out that I got to the A&E fast enough and can be stitched back together this time, but that already feels like way more luck than I deserve. My therapist and the staff are suggesting I go to a nearby residential/IP treatment center as soon as I can walk on my own again. Now Im not overly afraid of IP, I dont think its full of evil people trying to sabotage me, I dont feel threatened by someone dictating my daily rhythm, and I dont fear gaining weight (I dont think I would). But excluding school and family my life for the last 7 years has looked a lot like this:

EDNOS - IP - Anorexic - Residential/Psych Ward - Bulimic tendencies - IP - BED - Residential/Group therapy -EDNOS

In between those theres countless hours at the psychiatrist, therapist, group therapy, music therapy, after care, hypnosis (not even kidding) and the odd stay in the nut house. Basically I dont get better...I get differently bad. Still, treatment probably saved my life, once, maybe twice, only that now it seems the price I payed for having my body all fixed and shiny again was for me to get gradually more miserable.

And now Im all grown up and responsible for myself. I dont know who thought that would be a good idea, but it seems to be the case. And for all Im worth I can not see myself going through an entire programme without discharging myself, actually...I dont even think I could make the first week.

Finally, now it seems like I can either go home, try to do as little damage as I can to myself, and wait how long I'll last, or give treatment another try and hope that this time I dont come out only to get worse than I am now, because I dont think I would last very long at all if that were the case.

So...what I was pretty much trying to say with all that rambling was:" AAAAAAaahhhh...i dont know if recovery could ever possibly work for me and im really, really, really, really, really, scared right now".

Right...that was long, sorry :)

[elyse]

Okay, I'm at work and so I have like 20 seconds but I had to say something. I'll write more later...

But ohhh I'm scared for you! But I also think that you have to do something, and that you deserve a healthy(er) body and that without treatment I don't think you will last long either. So I guess you have to try, and hopefully (?!) this time it will help. I don't know what to say. I don't know what the magic is that will change things for you this time, but you deserve so much out of life and I hope you are able to have it... I don't see a way around another course of IP, but I don't know much about how to fix things. I just know that you can't do nothing.... please?

Lots of love.

[Rhiannon]

hey, love. well i just wish you the best with everything. i appreciate you sharing this info on this thread.. much love and support towards you! like others, im alwasy here. just a msg away! please take care of yourself as best as you see fit for yourself. xoxox rhi.

[something-blue]

thanks for the answers :) It seems I was a bit "blah" about the whole...life thing, but Im getting back to my usual sensible self I think

[madeofstars]

I know what you mean, since the age of 15 I have been in and out of different types of treatments for various mental health problems- highlights include a month long stay in rehab and 9 months spent in a "therapeutic community" and like you said, I never get better, I just get "differently bad."

But you know what, despite all of this, there is still a small part in my brain which thinks that one day, this might just get better. Keep trying, keep taking what is offered, and trying at least to keep yourself safe, and healthy, and one day, it might just click into place. I really really wish you all the best. <3

[Marialise]

Anyways, basically I dont know what to do. I mean, I know what to do: get myself into treatment and grow up already, or something like that.

Yessss!!

Aw hon... This is EXACTLY where I am right now... Well, maybe a slightly diff sitch, but for the first time in my adult life... I am admitting my weaknesses and seeking help and IT SCARES THE FUCKING CRAP OUT OF ME!

Yes, I mean the answer is SOOO simple in black-and-white isn't it?? Yes, grow up, be a woman, deal with your problems and move on like every other human being does...

But there is something (for me at least) inherently wrong that has stopped me from moving on with my life and I am so, So, SOOO scared right now as I approach treatment (Eeekkkk... TOMORROW!!!) that I'm going to fail AGAIN... that I won't be able to make it... Once AGAIN... And really... at this point, I'm not sure what another failure will mean but I know that hope is scarce and another failure... erm well... I'm not sure what will happen then...

So, honey... I'm pretty sure this isn't the response you wanted but I'm praying for US... all of us... looong and harrrd!!

Love and good thoughts!! XOXO- M

[something-blue]

Oh gosh, I dont know what to say :) You sound so much like me. I hope today goes well for you!!
Im feeling a bit more cheery now and I think we can both have another go at this and be awesome at it!

Love

[angie]

There's no easy answer to this question, but I think that you should try and give inpatient one more shot. I don't think people can get better on their own. i know it seems impossible but I have faith that things will work out for you someday.

Best of luck, I'll keep you in my prayers. PM me if you ever need a friend.

Much love,
Angie