People with ED's are skinny? Then i don't have an ED? :(

[HoneyHeart]

I wrote this on my tumblr but i feel i need to rant some more!

I went out to a gay bar a couple of nights ago and everybody there was so skinny. My friend was like “It’s because they either don’t eat or puke it up” I looked at him in total shock. He was being deadly serious, pretending to throw up. I laughed it off but looking around, nobody i could see was above a “normal” BMI. Infact, alot of people there were underweight and fucking beautiful to be honest.

I told my friend i felt like the titanic. He told me i was just normal. He said I’m not that skinny because i don’t have an ED. But i do :( And this is why i’m never going to tell anybody. It just really hit home that if i was to tell anybody about it they’d look at me and think “why are you so fat then?” Why am i fat?! I am in a cycle of fasting/ restricting or binging and purging and i am still the size of a HOUSE. :(

People think if you have eating disorder you must look like a twig but it’s fucking hard. It’s like my ED isn’t justified anymore. You know how you can look at some people and wonder if they have food issues? Yesterday makes me want to be like that now. I don't want to look "healthy" or "curvy" or "normal". I want to be skinny.

At least before people would say "Wow, Steph you're really skinny, have you been eating?" No i didn't eat but i looked so much better *sigh* Everytime i think about that club i cry. Today all my friends are busy and my mum wants to make me fajitas for lunch and spaghetti for dinner. FUCK MY LIFE. Why is everybody trying to make me even more fat?! Today i am going to stay at home and feel like shit. I really wanted to fast as well. Which is impossible with my mum coming over :( But she insists because i'm sick.

And i've been stuck on this plataeu for almost a week now. I just know i'm going to put weight on if i eat, but i actually REALLY don't want to purge. Eating = purging though. Maybe this is why i'm so fucking fat.

I can't believe i was actually considering telling one of my friends :/ I can see it going like this: "I puke up all the food that i eat" "Shouldn't you be skinnier?" :'(

[EnoughIsEnough]

Hey.

It's a frustrating situation, and one I know all too well.

I desperately need help with my ed, but I can't bring myself to tell the people who can help me because I know that they won't believe me. I told my sister in an email months ago, and she's completely ignored the topic ever since. It's upsetting because I know she ignores me because she doesn't believe me.

I sometimes think that at least if I was anorexic, people would force me to get help. Bulimia is just so easy to hide, and so destructive.

[HoneyHeart]

I'm sorry to hear about your sister :( I hate that so many people just don't understand ED's or sympathise with them. I find very few people "get it" unless they've had one. This is why i don't want to tell anybody, but i'm so sick of lying all the time. It's just so easy.

You're so right. It's so easy to hide, and so destructive. I feel like I'm slipping down that slope of "I can never be too skinny" because otherwise nobody is going to take me seriously. While drunk i have three people about my ED and they haven't mentioned it again. I am kind of relieved, but now i think WTF. If they could SEE the damage it did, would they care more?

[ladyfrog304]

I understand what u feel, since I have the same situation. Im just stuck in the cycle of fasting and binging again and again. It's worse becos i've been binging for a few days and put all my weight back to the start. It makes me depressed and ashamed that I refused to go out w/ my friends and just stayed at home and been sleeping all day. Ive made a promise to myself that i'll not go out unless i fast for 1 day. I was supposed to fast today but i screwed up.. now im doing all again :(
and yes, im fat fat fat like a PIG, ppl think im happy becos im fat and chubby but they dont know how hard i have to suffer :(
i wish i could just be too skinny so they can see how miserable i actually am, rather than being fat like this :(

[UsedRomance]

I completely understand this. I see a lot of stuff around where even people with eating disorders shun people in the healthy range or above. I don't understand that because surely they weren't always underweight? Surely at some point they had an ED and were a healthy, or even unhealthily large, size?

However, I know this is awful but I suppose I do fuel it a bit aswell. My fiance will say "Be careful. I don't want you making yourself ill" and then I use my size as an excuse. "You think I could make myself ill when I'm this big?".

[HoneyHeart]

It's only logical to think that at some point, a person with an ED was at a healthy or even overweight size. And yet NOBODY thinks that. I do exactly the same thing, i almost justify to myself that i am not making myself ill because i am not at their weight. Which is silly really.

It's easy to forget that ED's are mental disorders, not physical ones because eating and weight is such a huge part of it. It's too easy to look at an underweight person and judge them as having an ED though. Looking at an average joe with a healthy BMI and you might never guess that they restrict or binge and purge. I still feel like that because people can't SEE the damage that they think none is happening.

It's partly my fault for being so damn good at lying and manipulating. My friends have put the question out there if i've have problems eating and i've jusst out and out said "If i have an eating disorder, do you think i'd be this FAT?" Which shut them up. But we all think it, and it's horrible. Damage is damage, regardless your size.

[Nubzor]

I completely understand how you think and feel. I don't want to tell people for fear that I'll get the, "Well, you don't look like you have an ED." reply, or something similar. When I started going to counseling several months back, that was also one of my fears. I was afraid that I wasn't "sick" enough to merit getting help. I figured that the doctor(s) had seen some quite serious cases and I'd walk in there and they'd think, "This guy thinks he has an ED? Yeah, right..."

It's such a twisted way of thinking. But you are right, I think we all do it. It's just one more thing that we torture ourselves with, repeatedly.

[happytapeworm]

You sound like you have ednos , Im sorry I know how you feel you friend probably didnt mean that you shouldnt be skinnier he just didn't know. I know exactly what your going through and if I was next to you then id give you a really big hug ): just tell your mom you don't feel well or something!!!!! Idk what else to say I truly am sorry and hope you feel better!

[Jenface]

I love you Steph and you can get through this.
I feel the same love. It's fucking hard and no one really gets it.

Just don't let this set you back, I know you've been trying hard lately
<3

[HoneyHeart]

Thanks Jen :)

Lately everybody's been trying to feed me alot, which has been stressing me even more *sigh*

It's surprising how many people think that all anorexics don't eat, and all bulimics are stick thin. Such ignorance just adds salt into the wound.

[Jenface]

*hugs your face off*

Fuck them, you're beautiful as you are