need a little help.. trying to recover

[neenna]

so, Im trying to recover, again.. last time I stopped SI I was able to hold it for about 5 month. now, last month, I started to cut again. I have no idea why I need to cut, or hurt in some form, to feel better(?) but I know, kinda, why I cant stop completely. its like when ever I do try I cant cry!
I cry like the biggest kid to movies, books, music whatever. but when Im sad I cant. I cant really be sad either or feel any "negative" emotion, so I just go numb.
and I start cutting again when I cant do it no more, when I need to FEEL something..

I dont know what to do, Ive tried to b/p instead of cutting but somehow I need to see blood, when its really bad, otherwise its working kinda.. Im not as numb as I have been atleast.
I really want to quit! I HATE it! and Im so ashamed over it, and guilty.. ugh..

has anyone on here recovered, or tried? how did it go for you? .. yea, just tell your story about it :)
Im just so so lost... :/

hugs /nina

[something-blue]

I didnt really recover, because there still are bouts where Ill cut, but Ive gotten better. There can be months to a year without it and now it doesnt seem like an addiction which it felt like before as much as just one more destructive impulse i can decide to control or not. ...uhm, that didnt make much sense, sorry :)

I think I had a lot of luck, because my urges to cut seemed to get less bad by themselves (gowing out of it a little, maybe) and its a bit childish and probably different for everybody but heres what i did to help me:

whenever i cut i used to either have an "unreal" feeling or just a numb, silent dispair kinda feeling. For the first one Id try to make a game out of touching/tasting stuff. Just glide my fingers over a rough wallpaper, touch an ice cube/ go through the kitchen cabinets and try to taste the difference between all our vinegars. I know its ridiculous, but it helped start feeling connected again, and even if it didnt totally work it often took so long that after it I could "snap" myself out of wanting to cut.
For the second one, and this is going to sound horrible, Id just do whatever I could to get myself to cry. Like...make the sadness worse in a way, but less personal. Listen to a couple songs that always got me crying, but were about problems I didnt have, and if nothing else worked watch some documentary about refugee camps, and dying babies and living conditions in south african gold mines, holocaust documentaries(i said i was horrible...sorry) - and more often than not that got me into a frame of mind where I could start crying about other people problems, or for/about other people, and once i started it helped me cry about my things as well. Itd be entirely insane sessions of me coming utterly undone in front of the tv but after a couple minutes id stop feeling so "bottled up" inside.

other than that i never said that i wouldnt allow myself to ever cut again (..then again maybe thats why im still not recovered, who knows), id just not think about it and once i got the urge to id deal with that...id try everything i could to not cut right then, but if i couldnt help it, then thats ok too...better luck next time. that way, for me, it helped with not getting more and more preoccupied with cutting or not being allowed to until id think about it ALL the time, and it helped with the anxiety of "...but i NEED to cut, maybe not now, but what if i really need to and then i cant and then ..AAAA", until eventually id just have to deal with it less and less.

Yeah...so thats that :) xo