I don't want to die.

[citrous]

but I don't want to eat. I litteraly can not. The number on the scale went up this morning, and I freaked out and have been sipping on coffee with 0 calorie sweetner since I woke up hours ago. I just can't handle this. My online friends, whom I met in an eating disorder support guild, are telling me I am on the verge of death and were so happy when I declared an entrance into self recovery. But it isn't going so well. Okay, I'm almost 5 feet tall, and am roughly 72 pounds. My BMI is in the 14s. I have intense heart pain and palpatations, but my ECG came back normal a couple days ago. My muscles ache so much and I'm covered in bruises. My hair is shedding rapidly and this upsets me so much. I'm in so much physical pain, but I don't have anyone in real life for support. I broke up with my abusive boyfriend a couple weeks ago. My mom has cancer and just finished chemo but it's going to be quite a while before she starts feeling better. Oh, and I'm beginning my freshmen year of college in 2 weeks. I'm so excited for that, but really scared. My mom suggested, when I came back from visiting my dad a couple weeks ago, that I go to the hospital instead of college. But that just isn't an option for me. When I get to college, I am supposed to make an appointment with the university psychiatrist ASAP, so I can start getting my antipsychotic and antidepressant medication and have a doctor to talk to. I am to go to the health center and request a therapist to talk to me about my food issues. I hope to get an entire teatment team. But... it's like... I don't know how to explain it. I'm dying right now and I don't want to die. But I don't know how to eat and.. college is 2 weeks ago, it'll be another month if not more before I can see a doctor.. I don't have ANY support besides my online friends... I had huge trouble making friends in high school, I actually didn't have ANYone to hang out with outside of school, no one liked me... what if it's the same in college? I WANT TO GET BETTER! I DO! There are just SO many tentacles of my anorexia; it's control, it's fear, it's self harm, it's everything, it's my life... I don't want this to kill me, but I refuse to go inpatient.... I want to lose as much weight as possible before I see the new doctor. What if I'm not thin enough for them to take me seriously? My most recent psychiatrist didn't take me seriously at all. She said my medication would stop working when I got below 90 and then my heart would just STOP when I got into the 70s.... but hey, I'm still alive. How much longer am I going to be alive? She didn't offer mm,any help or advice. Uh, JUST EAT!! YEAH, LIKE IT"S THAT FUCKING SIMPLE!!!! I'm not ready to let go of my ED completely and totally, I just want to stop feeling like shit. I don't know why I posted this. I guesss I just want some kind words. I'm scared. I'm really scared.

[mel_92]

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time :( But it's great that you WANT to recover. I'm trying to recover at the moment but my problem is that I freak out when I'm not restricting and then end up binging/purging. Also when I tried to recover last time, I hated the number on the scales going up. It made me so miserable and that's why I started restricting again.
Is there any other family members you can talk to before your college starts, or a local counsellor? I didn't like my NHS specialist at first so my parents phoned a private counsellor and I got an appointment within a week.
Sorry I don't really have any other advice but you can always PM me if you want to talk x

[elyse]

Hi Citrous,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. :( It must be so awful to feel like you are doing it alone. But I'm glad that you are recovering...

I know it doesn't feel the same as having people in your real life to talk to, but I think you are doing such a good thing by sharing this with your friends in your forums. While it may seem trite for us to be all, "good job, keep at it!" it's something you need to hear more than hearing nothing at all. And we are going through a lot of the same feelings, not all at the same time, but we all have struggles and really mean it when we say that it does get better and NEEDS to get better because you won't make it unless you start eating...

I don't really have any advice, but I hope you are able to see someone quickly, that they realize the urgency when you go to the health center at the beginning of school. It seems like even if you call like a govt-funded health clinic they might not see you within the two weeks, but you never know. Or maybe support groups in your area until you go to school?

Until then, I hope you are able to stick around and get as much reassurance as possible here. I know there is so much pain and self-loathing around eating, but it does get better and can't give up, I know you won't. And don't be afraid of school -- the beautiful thing about college is that there are so many ways to get support, because there are so many student groups of people who are going through the same things, students who have the same interests or lifestyles... you will make friends and find a lot of support I think. But until then, I hope you are able to find what you need to make it through...

[ScienceOfBallet]

First thing first.. I REALLY REALLY would not try to lose any more weight before seeing the doctor at your college. Even at a BMI of 14, they may not let you continue classes. They may tell you that you have to take a medical leave anyhow, and if you want to go back you have to comply with what they want you to do. I don't want to scare you or anything.. However, regardless of what happens, I'd suggest going to the doctor, even if you are afraid of being made to leave, as eventually a professor will say something to the health dep. there, and it's probably just better if you admit it first, and tell them you are willing to work on it.
I know it's scary, both ways, staying in the ED, and getting out. Isn't it so much scarier to think that you may not make it though? I mean, a BMI in the 14s is bad. Your ECG may have not shown anything bad when they took it, but they can vary throughout the day. You really could be in real medical danger. Recovery IS worth it honey! Trust me, sometimes it may not seem like it, but I've had friends recover and they are so much better and they can actually have fun, get good grades, work a good job, and actually GO OUT with friends!! I'm quite envious of them and I can't wait till that day!! Please try not to lose anymore, and please promise you'll get help..
We're here for you!!! Just let us know if you need anything, and PM me if you need to!!

[JEANNE]

Hi Cali,

Hold on to that thought and that will to live, honey. If you want to live then there is LIFE outside of your eating disorder. These aren't just words, there is LIFE and you are so young, you have so much wonderful things ahead of you......... I agree with elyse: stick around this site, there is some amazing, wise, comapssionate words to help you. There is support here and an answer may be found in one of these postings or threads. Keep coming back, keep sharing, it doesn't help to keep this to yoursself: you have more than enough to deal with right now, let us share some of the burden.

And scienceofballet is right too: try your hardest not to lose any more weight. Honest, they may not find you medically stable to attend classes and really, hon at 4'11" 72 pounds.. that's just enough loss! and it is scary to stay in the grips of your ed and scary to stand alone without it (butyou aren't alone, cause we are here!) but if you really still have that will to live and that will to fight, hold on! there are good professionals out there that understand and that can help you. You do need help, hon. someone needs to be there for you in rl and HELP you live this great life that you have ahead of you!! There is so much to look forward to and this stupid ed is just holding you prisoner.

Mel is right too~ its a back and forth thing with recovery, you want it but its hard as hell the pull forward and backward. PM any of the offers from people on here (me too), hang on and keep fighting. take care hon! really try your best! xxoo jeanne

[Jacklinger]

I think you may require inpatient treatment. Will you consider it?

When an addiction of any kind, whether it be an ED or drugs or whatever, takes control and makes us into its slave, sometimes the answer is not freedom, but to find a new master. The doctors in a treatment center might force you to eat and make you feel miserable, but you already sound miserable to me, and it's better than dieing certainly. Then when you've had a chance to "sober" up and your body has been able to absorb some nutrients and get back into balance, you can slowly take control of your own life back.

Of course I didn't take my own advice, but I wish I had. It took me 20 years to get control of my ED but it shouldn't have. If I had submitted to the control of a nutritionist and doctor I probably could have beaten it in 2 months. Doing it all by yourself ranges from extremely difficult to impossible. You sound like you really need help.

[citrous]

Wow, thank you so much for the all the replies, I wasn't expecting this much support.

I am trying to not lose anymore. At the very least I'll maintain. It's like, I need 1700 calories a day to gain weight... and that is just so much food to be eaten! My mom was supposed to buy me some weight gain powder drink mix thing but she hasn't, and I can't afford to be buying Ensure and that stuff.

I really want to go to college. It's my dream, and I want it so much! I already have my dorm stuff and some of my textbooks I ordered came in the mail today. $550 dollars worth of textbooks! Dx I'm so excited to move out and start classes....

I didn't realize that I could be deemed, uh, "unable" to be in classes. That didn't occur to me that the doctor might find me to be TOO serious. Hopefully I can gain like maybe 2 pounds by the time I move into my dorm room, and then another 3 maybe by the time I see the new doctor. I'm not sure.

See, my problem with inpatient is that... it's inpatient and I wouldn't be able to attend my classes!!!:( I really want to go to college... Okay, I'll see how this semester goes, and if I'm still in bad condition, then I'll start looking into treatment center. Although, I would not mind like a hospital stay for a week or something if I'm having some major imbalance within my body that needs to be fixed. That would be an excused leave, right? and only for a week....


I was 71.8 this morning, but I'm trying to eat well today. I've had 465 calories so far...

[JEANNE]

Good for you! I KNOW how hard it is, how you get to a point of fear, absolute terror of food and have zero hunger. I know that but maybe if you keep those ultimate goals of college and freedom and advanced education in mind, that is great motivation! you should go to college, reach those goals and have your life. Keep up the good work, I'm way proud of you and in support 1000%! yea for you! so great, so great! :)

xoo Jeanne

[Felicia320]

OMG sweetie...I am afraid with your stats and health problems if you don't choose inpatient and choose college in a month you could be dead, Your BMI is so low and you will be running around like crazy to get to classes and stuff and I don't know if your poor body can take it. All it takes is one heart attack and the choice could be taken away from you. I am not trying to scare you sweetie , I am just so worried about you. BTW are you taking vitamins and iron pills to help your body retain some nutrients? I will be praying for you. XOXOXOXO

[ixrockxconverse]

You can recover, I know you can! I don't know how much help this might be, but I understand your want to go to college, and your want to stay out of an inpatient center. But like Felicia said, you're going to be running around like CRAZY to get to classes and whatnot, and your health and stats is extremely low!
I don't want to sound rude or inconsiderate at all, but have you considered taking college courses online? I think being in a high stress environment like a collage campus may do more harm than good...

[elyse]

Hi Citrous,

I have been thinking about you, I hope you're still doing okay. I think maybe I agree with everyone else here, you maybe should think about IP treatment? I have been in a fog lately, and it's hard for me to think clearly, and I want to believe we can do this with enough therapy and support, and we CAN, but you need to take care of your immediate health first sweets. I know you're scared, and it's hard to let go of the ed, and maybe that's why this post has stuck with me so much. It may take IP to let go enough to make it back from the edge. I just hope whatever you decide that you can hold onto that will to make it back. Much love.

[madeofstars]

Hi Cali

I'm sorry things have got so hard for you :(

But I'm really proud of you for wanting to recover and also for hanging on to your dream of attending college- sometimes our EDs get in the way so much that we dont care about anything outside of them, so the fact that you are still wanting to go to college AND looking forward to it is really inspiring and brave.

You know what? You're pretty ill at the moment, and maybe IP would be best. But that doesnt mean you wont be able to go to college! You could take a year out and start next year once you're stronger and better? I took a year out of university because of mental health problems and it was such a good decision, because if I'd have struggled on the way I was, I think I'd just have got worse and worse. An extra year in your life is nothing you know. Maybe this is something else to think about? Your options arent simply college or recovery, you can have both!

I wish you all the best, thinking of you <3

[elyse]

Oh haha, I didn't realize, but I took a year off too! I forget because I'm old. :p My first year of college I was too ill, and it was the best thing for me too because once I was able to do things right, I enjoyed college immensely. I never would have been able to if I had tried to continue with my head the way it was was. First of all, I wouldn't have been able to continue in my classes the way I was, my attendance was shameful, but I would have lost all opportunities to meet anyone outside of myself. And when I went back, I did it better, had more interests outside of my own issues. Good luck!

[citrous]

Thank you for the support, girlies. x3

I want to give college a try, at least. I need to try. I don't want to go next year, I want to go next Friday. Besides, what if I lose my scholarship if I take a year off?

If I relapse, I am aware that I will be forced onto medical leave. But maybe that'd be only for like 2 weeks, in a hospital to gain some weight, and then I can go right back into classes.

I can't slow down. I have the test for my driver's license in 2 days, I got my braces off a couple weeks ago, I broke up with my abusive (ex!)boyfriend, everything's just going really well and it's going MY way and I want to go to college and I can do it!!! Well, I think. =/ We will find out!

I got up to 73 pounds yesterday, but then this morning I was 72.8

I did have a wonnnnnderful therapy session yesterday. She told me that I could either eat on my own, or I would be put in a hospital and forcefed 3300 calories a day. She's against the hospital's way of "fixing" the problem, and she also pointed out that Cody (exboyfriend) has had total reign and control over my life for the past 2 and 1/2 years, that it would be bad for me if I had to go to a hospital and let THEM control me. I can't let food, Cody, or hospitals control my life. I have to do it... She did agree that I would need intensive therapy, though. And she said that I critically have to gain 5 pounds, but after I gain those 5, I can go slower and ease up on the weight, but she just thinks that I NEED to gain 5 pounds SOON because I'm so low. She also told me I shoouldn't be exercising at all, which made me feel good about myself because I always feel lazy about not exercising, but that when my weight gets higher then I can start toning, so I can be thin and fit and healthy! My therapist, though, as well as psychiatrist kind of told me that a relapse is inevitable, with my history and general... Cali-ness. They weren't being mean or dishopeful, just honest. So they both strongly urge that I find a ED support group, and immeditaly get myself into therapy.


so yeah, good appoinment. xD