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[dreamxonxaxwish]

I'm such a mess right now. Nothing has even set it off except the fact that my body is starving right now. I've had 345 calories today and plan to allow myself 455 more at dinner. But I'm still so starving. I don't even know the words to get out how I feel. I don't want to be like this. I don't. I hate being this way. All I think about is food. That's ALL I think about. My birthday is in seven days and I already know I'm allowing myself to eat anything and everything that day. (Woo for planned binge days!) The sick part? All I've been able to think about is planning what I'm going to eat that day. I want to go to the donut shop and get a chocolate milk, a pig in a blanket, and a chocolate donut. I miss being able to eat that for breakfast. I want to have cake. But I doubt I will. (I dont think anyone is going to make me one.) But all I can think about is what I'm going to be eating in seven days. And what I'm allowed to eat now. And fuck. I just hate being this way. I hate normal people that don't have to deal with this. I just want to be normal again. And I can't even talk to anyone about this. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep or eat and eat and eat. But I can't. I won't do that. Fuck food. Fuck eating disorders.

I just hate everything right now.

[Felicia320]

I am always hungry too!!!

[dreamxonxaxwish]

And we have people over and my mom and the other lady just got back with a bunch of junk. Ugh. Fuck. I know I'm going to binge tonight.

[elyse]

I'm frustrated tonight too. It's disgusting how much I think of food. It disgusts me. Food I won't even eat, so wtf. And I'm mostly frustrated bc I know I will prob always be like this, even if I ever make a successful recovery and don't fuck that up, I'll still always think about food. Even if I'm ever in a place where I think I CAN eat food I want, nothing special about it, I'll still think about it all the time.

Tonight I was mad, so it could go two ways: I eat, or I don't. But either way I will think about it every time. It's never like, I'm mad, I want to go for a drive! It's always, I'm angry, fuck food, I feel sick to my stomach and I'm never eating again. Or I'm angry, give me a fucking popsicle. But either way, IT'S. ALWAYS. THERE.

Okay, I hijacked your rant. Sorry lol.

[dreamxonxaxwish]

Don't feel bad, elyse. That's how I feel sometimes too. It's like if you're upset with something, either binging or starving is going to solve it.

[Sosic.420]

i feel you guys!
i wish i could indulge in some yummy donuts when my dad brings them home like i use to when i was younger, i wish i could get some mcdonalds on road trips with my brother like i use to, i wish i could sit and eat dinner with my family and say stupid jokes and laugh with them like i use to. but i cant. and it sucks. its either i dont eat enough, or i binge and eat WAY to much. and ive planned binged numerous times so your not alone.
but maybe for your birthday you can make a little low calorie healthyish muffin just for you! throw a little candle in the middle and make your birthday wish :)
their is always ways around things, eating disorders are complicated, and frusturating, we all know that! but recovery has got to come sometime for all of us right? just maybe keep thinking that. dont let your ED bring you down completely! dont let it ruin your birthday!