threw myself down a flight of stairs

[BiziB]

I'm not sure if I really intended to harm myself...was not thinking clearly...or...

I've been working from 8am to 8pm and over weekends for 6 months now. I have an extrememly high pressured job. I gave in my notice but instead they promoted me - and said I should just try it out and then make a decision.

With the recession some are finding it hard to find new jobs quickly so resigning without having another position was not really an option. I was sending out my CV and going for interviews but the problem was that all the jobs in my industry would have the same problems and changing industries now would mean a big drop in salary - not paying my bills is not a choice....

I just got so frustrated, felt soooo out of control, depressed!!! At work I performed at 100% but at home I was crying to my boyfriend so often and having panic attack on Monday mornings before goint to work. I'd fantasise about crashing my car at max speed into a wall or driving into a river... But deep down I know I'd never hurt my family and boyfriend like that...

Instead I was going up and down up and down the stairs at work one day as always running around franticly, when I was heading up a flight of stairs I wished I could just LET GO and at the top of the 15 stair flight I did. I just fell backwards...

...i don't know...

I screamed in pain and everone ran out, kept me still and called the ambulance and my boyfriend... I fractured a rib, had a concussion, dislocated my left shoulder and hurt my lower back - back butt was bruised and had muscle spasm all over...I the relief more that the pain.

My boyfriend showed up just before the ambulance and was soo worried, I started crying and couldn't stop. How could I do this on purpose. Everyone looked so worried and was so caring. How could I put the man I love through this - but I could not bring myself to tell him. It's been 2 months, I'm all healed - I've resigned and just have to make it work. There is no way I can survive where I am.

I've always been such a strong person, took care of myself most of my life...I feel like a failure to be honest, and a nut...

My grandpa (who raised me) is dying of cancer, it's been a long and ugly battle...there is not much time left and I have not been myself since he's been in hospital and frail care - he's the strongest most decent person I know and it feels like the world would be so much less without him. I think I'm severely depressed by even the thought of letting him go...

...also just over a year ago I was just married for 2 years and found out my husband was having an affair for 6 months. It was the last thing I expected - I kicked him out and divorced him within a month. I think the loss of the 'vision' of my future was worse than losing him...

either way I know I don't deal, with things I just move ON - going to 11 different schools, living with several family members, my dad abandoning us when I was 2, being molested when I was 4 and 7 (first time he tried to rape me as well but I was too small)...taught me to that it's either sink or swim...

I've come from nothing and worked so hard to beat the odds and get to where I am. I've just been swimming and fighting to keep my head above water my whole live, and I'm just tired...

But I am also so blessed in my live and I KNOW this. I am in an amazing relationship with an amazing man, who is also my best friend. I have great friends and my sister is an inspiration.

Any insight???

[something-blue]

Hey :) Im sorry Im not very good with insights so Ill just say what I think and invite you to ignore me. Sometimes when we get stressed our bodys decide we need a break and show signs of illness. Some people get the cold, some get headaches, something along those lines. And then we get to take a day or two off, have a bit of a lie down and are ready to get back on track right after. But sometimes those things dont work, either because you have responsibilities you cant just let slide, or because your stress is caused by something that you cant take days off of, or because youre just the type of person thats always strong and powers through. And it sounds a little like you may be all of that. I cant possibly imagine what I would have done going through any of the things you described happening in my life, let alone all of them together and I think youre a very strong person to be dealing with them as well as you are. But like I said sometimes bad things just build up, especially if you never had a chance to learn good and healthy coping mechanisms. They can turn into depression, mental disorders, physical sickness...and then at some point it just gets that bit too much and you "crack". Its not that you're crazy youve just lost a tiny bit too much of your impulse control and that little part of youre brain that tried to tell you that you should care about YOU for a while and that you deserve to take some time out and that for once people should be fussing about you for so long took over and made you do something stupid.
But I think this gives you a chance to look on the positive side of things now. You already know that there are people loving you and caring for you and now you've had a chance to think about what in youre life is going the way you want it and what isnt. You got a chance to look back and think about whats making you unhappy and stressed and if you can change any of these things. I think its a great step that you resigned because it sounds like the job clearly wasnt the best one for you. Paying bills is important, but who would want to look back on their life and realise theyve been doing something thats made them miserable for 30 years?
And for all the things you cant change you can get at least some help dealing with. You cant change how badly people behave towards you, or help getting disappointed or even help losing people you couldnt imagine being without now but you can look up some therapists who could teach you good coping techniques that help you resolve issues before the next break down. Or if you cant imagine doing that at all, maybe look up self-help groups near you, even if what you are experiencing is unique and personal there is always someone out there who had similar experiences and can help you by telling you what helped them or maybe only listening to what you have to say. And lastly, talk. It doesnt matter if you think you're whiny or moody or you should be stronger its really important to talk. The people who love you will be very glad to talk to you, or if youre religious you may think about talking to someone you trust at church, or one of your friends, or if all else fails someone on here. Just try to allow yourself to not always be the one fighting to keep your head above the water, sometimes theres people just waiting to carry you for a while if you allwo them to.

So...thats my two cent I guess.

[UsedRomance]

I can't add anything that something-blue didn't say. I just couldn't read this and not post a reply.

I really hope things look up for you soon. It sounds as if things have got over your head and you may need to see someone about these problems.

Stay strong and good luck- you can get through this.

[Jacklinger]

I know how you feel. I used to work and go to school at the same time and had zero free time for myself. Sometimes I worked for 16 hours in a day and 50+ hours a week. I was very depressed, way more than I am now.

So I quit. I just walked away from all of it. Best decision I ever made. I switched careers and went into accounting instead of music and now have a basic skill set that will allow me to get a normal 9-5 40 hr/wk job anywhere in the country. I realized that what I really wanted out of life was to be able to come home at 4:00 every day and have a weekend, even if it meant making less money and not doing what I thought I loved. These days I don't remember why I liked music so much. I think it gave me a sense of belonging that I really felt that I needed. I still miss it, but I don't miss the stress.

There has to be something you can give up that will allow you to work less. Wouldn't quitting be easier than falling down the stairs anyway? Are you worried that people will be disappointed with you? I know lots of people were disappointed with me when I quit college and my music, but they got over it. Sometimes you just gotta quit.

[AlexisKnowsBest]

This actually made me cry.
I'm glad you found out about your ex-husband and were strong enough to kick him out, I know a lot of women who couldn't let go of them despite the slimey-ness. He never deserved you anyway. And I'm so, so sorry to hear about everything in your past. I'm sure you didn't deserve absolutely any of it. But I, too, often think about crashing the car. All the time, really :/ And I do also think about just letting go when I'm on the stairs, I'm not sure why. The fact that you did it, it's a live and learn experience I think. Either way.. it's over and done with and you shouldn't be upset about it anymore.

Stay strong hun, you deserve nothing but happiness and good fortune. :/ <3

[BiziB]

Hi guys,

Thank you so much for all the advise / input. This is my first week away from that job and I've had 'time' to focus on things. I forced myself to. I've gone to pshycologists in the past and said what I thought I believed to be true - that I'm a better person for going through it all, it made me who I am... But in reality I think that's before I really started dealing with things, think I'm only really starting to now - denial was a VERY long phase... :)

I think I'm in the anger phase now more about my early childhood, I went looking for my dad when I was 18 but it's been 10 years and the only thing I get from him is - hurt! He's never explained or apologised, and says it's in the past. He's been to my house several times but can't be bothered to remember my address or even what I do for a living. After a year he still calls my boyfriend by my ex husbands name. He's a selfish alcoholic. I've decided that I'm not going to make the effort anymore - and funny thing is he hasn't bothered to call...so be it, I don't need that right now. He's the father (and that is a very strong term in reference to him).

So I'm really feeling 150% better / clearer but am going to see a pshycologist anyway.

Again thanks, I don't tend to talk about my emotions and confess that I am emotionally retarded...but a work in progress :)

I'm focussing on the oh so many great things in my life, but know that just doing that and denying that I still need to deal with those issues and feelings that I pushed down so deep for so long would be a big mistake.