leylusha
07-29-2010, 11:57 PM
Four months of eating nothing but safe food. NOTHING BUT. Exclusively tea, raw and steamed vegetables, and, in very controlled quantities: fresh fruit. Every day! So few calories that my metabolism is shot from it but I didn't care because I want to be thin, don't I? I'm in it to win it, aren't I? So why did I decide, on today of all days, that I wanted to see what exactly it's like to binge?
It wasn't because I wanted to recover, that wasn't my idea of this whole mess.
I just wanted to BINGE. What the fuck. I've never done that in all my years of .. well, life. What prompted the perverse curiosity?
I mean I've always had the compulsion to binge, that's just basic physiology. But I've never in my life succumbed to it, until today.
A huge goddamned crepe with butter and sugar. Just dripping with it. Then, deciding that that's too pathetic to be considered a real binge (and I didn't feel like the curiosity was slaked. Sick, stupid girl.) I went out and scarfed down TWO bubble teas, both sugary as hell, one with extra tapioca and one with that godawful powdered milk garbage. Why? Why was it SO IMPORTANT to me to do this?
Then, feeling nothing but guilt ... no "rush" of euphoria-inducing hormones that I hoped the binge would catalyze, I stopped and assessed myself. Pathetic. How retarded is this, it's almost infinite recursion- I set out to rebel against my rebellion against myself, basically. My eating disorder is me saying "fuck off and rot" to my very constitution, refusing to be bound by the same needs and tendency to fulfill those needs like eating, and proving something to myself. At least that's what I simplify it to mean. And I've lived with this renegade army general barking orders at me, telling me I'm not good enough, maggot, an embarrassment, I'll never overthrow the powers that be at this rate, I'm no credit to the effort. Blah blah. I guess I just wanted to stick it to him. What has that brought me? Just shame.
I feel like a moron. At least now I know for sure why binging's not for me.
.... SOOOooo how are you today?
It wasn't because I wanted to recover, that wasn't my idea of this whole mess.
I just wanted to BINGE. What the fuck. I've never done that in all my years of .. well, life. What prompted the perverse curiosity?
I mean I've always had the compulsion to binge, that's just basic physiology. But I've never in my life succumbed to it, until today.
A huge goddamned crepe with butter and sugar. Just dripping with it. Then, deciding that that's too pathetic to be considered a real binge (and I didn't feel like the curiosity was slaked. Sick, stupid girl.) I went out and scarfed down TWO bubble teas, both sugary as hell, one with extra tapioca and one with that godawful powdered milk garbage. Why? Why was it SO IMPORTANT to me to do this?
Then, feeling nothing but guilt ... no "rush" of euphoria-inducing hormones that I hoped the binge would catalyze, I stopped and assessed myself. Pathetic. How retarded is this, it's almost infinite recursion- I set out to rebel against my rebellion against myself, basically. My eating disorder is me saying "fuck off and rot" to my very constitution, refusing to be bound by the same needs and tendency to fulfill those needs like eating, and proving something to myself. At least that's what I simplify it to mean. And I've lived with this renegade army general barking orders at me, telling me I'm not good enough, maggot, an embarrassment, I'll never overthrow the powers that be at this rate, I'm no credit to the effort. Blah blah. I guess I just wanted to stick it to him. What has that brought me? Just shame.
I feel like a moron. At least now I know for sure why binging's not for me.
.... SOOOooo how are you today?