why i b/p

[dragonfly]

i've been thinking about when i first started b/p'ing. And its like it started immediately after i first began thinking that i might have an ED. Because since then i've been so scared of being anorexic that i let myself binge. And since my weight is now more or less static, i guess thats worked.

And last night was odd. I'd been fasting for a day and a bit, and had cravings to binge throughout the day, but i was able to just ignore them, and they'd gone away by the evening. Then last night i just got so scared that i was going back to eating too little and that on its own was enough to make me b/p.

Its like i keep switching between starving myself and b/p'ing because i don't want to do either. Is this strange? Can anyone else relate to it?

Edit: to make a little more sense

[x2to00x]

if you don't want to be sick... the best thing is to try to talk to a counselor. i agree that being healthy is the BEST decision and you're already wanting that so talk to someone soon!

[dragonfly]

thanks for replying. i think i owe an apology for my nonsical posts, usually written while drinking, and posted in wrong forums. :(

i don't know if i have a proper eating disorder or not (and don't really care anymore if i do or not). All i know is that i'm screwed up, have been starving myself and b/p'ing to make myself feel better and more in control for past few months.

I want to stop doing both (and i want to stop self-harming and drinking as well). And more than anything i want the thing that is driving me to these self-destructive coping mechanisms to go away. And i've spoken to my counsellor about most of this stuff, as well as my gp, and will speak to my psychiatrist about it at my next appointment as well.

But i don't think i can stop my disordered eating right now, or at least i'm terrified to. Because before this started, i wasn't able to cope with stuff thats been going on in my life. Back then relying on self-harm and drinking wasn't enough, and I made several suicide attempts and was admitted to a psych hospital.

As much as i want to eat healthily right now, the thought of going back to that place where i was trying to end my own life is a lot lot worse.

Um... not sure why i've written all this, and is probably more in response to another recent thread than to this one, tbh. But fwiw i'm hoping that i've finally written something that makes sense of my situation.