arrested_in_space
11-10-2007, 01:59 AM
I really don't know who to talk to anymore. I'm considering calling one of those suicide hotlines just so someone will listen. I am incapable of doing anything right. I go through my day thinking I have almost everything in place and working properly but when my boyfriend comes along I just become this blathering idiot who cannot do anything to save her life.
I suck at darts (I aim and 85% of the time I'm not even close...and I've practiced a LOT). I don't have anything interesting to talk about (except art. and Lord knows that's not interesting to men). I'm too skinny (internalizing stress and fear and sadness makes for a pretty rocky stomach which is reluctant to accept food no matter how hungry I am). I forget to return movies and call people and sometimes even pay bills (my credit is shot). I'm too pale. I shoot my mouth off on a regular basis. I say the wrong things or I speak without even thinking. I mope at the first sign that I might suck at something...like hitting the dart board.
I think sometimes my brain gets hijacked by some foreign entity intent on ruining my life. People tell me I'm a beautiful intelligent girl, but I'm beginning to think everyone is lying to me and really don't know me for the horrible being that I am. I'm just this sad sack; all I do is exist, and I don't even do that well.
It's to the point where when I'm with my boyfriend hanging out, I manage to start a fight every 2 days or so by f*cking something up. He hates me. I can't do anything right and I can't keep my mouth shut. I shouldn't even be writing this thread...
I'm just this bundle of nerves waiting for my next mistake. He can even predict when and how I will f*ck things up. I can't even make the situation better when I do; I can't mollify his anger. I know I suck. I can't go on bullsh*tting everyone. I thought I was this intelligent and successful art major up until I met him. Then my life went to sh*t and I feel like all of it is attributed to me. I don't know if I'm in an abusive relationship or my depression is just making me stupid and klutzy. Does anyone else out there feel like this?
I suck at darts (I aim and 85% of the time I'm not even close...and I've practiced a LOT). I don't have anything interesting to talk about (except art. and Lord knows that's not interesting to men). I'm too skinny (internalizing stress and fear and sadness makes for a pretty rocky stomach which is reluctant to accept food no matter how hungry I am). I forget to return movies and call people and sometimes even pay bills (my credit is shot). I'm too pale. I shoot my mouth off on a regular basis. I say the wrong things or I speak without even thinking. I mope at the first sign that I might suck at something...like hitting the dart board.
I think sometimes my brain gets hijacked by some foreign entity intent on ruining my life. People tell me I'm a beautiful intelligent girl, but I'm beginning to think everyone is lying to me and really don't know me for the horrible being that I am. I'm just this sad sack; all I do is exist, and I don't even do that well.
It's to the point where when I'm with my boyfriend hanging out, I manage to start a fight every 2 days or so by f*cking something up. He hates me. I can't do anything right and I can't keep my mouth shut. I shouldn't even be writing this thread...
I'm just this bundle of nerves waiting for my next mistake. He can even predict when and how I will f*ck things up. I can't even make the situation better when I do; I can't mollify his anger. I know I suck. I can't go on bullsh*tting everyone. I thought I was this intelligent and successful art major up until I met him. Then my life went to sh*t and I feel like all of it is attributed to me. I don't know if I'm in an abusive relationship or my depression is just making me stupid and klutzy. Does anyone else out there feel like this?