My encounter with Bulimia

[affingirl]

Am really new here and would like to voice out my struggles with bulimia.I've just turned 20 and have been anorexic/bulimic since I was 16.I've been fat/midly obese through my early teens,tipping the scales at 70kg at my heaviest,which is really fat for my 1.58m frame.My weight has always been the brunt of everyone's jokes and I eventually got fed up and tried to starve myself.Lost 20kg in a year or two.And than when the binging/purging cycle started,my weight went down to 42kg.I am so disgusted with myself.I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror and I hate taking photos cos I look so fat in them(my face,that is.)I would buy loads of food and lock myself in the room and start to binge,than I would rush to the bathroom to try and purge everything out,cycle repeats 4-5 times a day.I've been with my current bf for almost a year now,and I hate hiding this from him.Whenever we had a meal together,I owuld find an excuse to go to the bathroom so I could throw up.I think he does suspect a little and has asked me whether I've just puked.But I would always make up some lame excuse.I just couldn'tbring myself to tell him.However,my eating disorder,I think is taking a toll on our rship.I'm always so depressed and can't seem to be happy.And am always feeling sick and weak.He thinks I am making myself miserable and am too much of a pessimist.I feel so bad that I'm always so temperamental at him,always picking fights with him.It wasn't on purpose.Is my bulimia the culprit?I wish I could tell him so he would understand and stop being angry at me for all the times I was feeling like crap and treated him like shit.I feel that no one understands and am starting to feel suicidal.I wish he could help me stop the pain...this hurts so bad.:(

[Melancholy_Soul]

i can relate with evrything u hav jus said... i hate hiding things from my bf especially something like this.. but if I tell him he wil never trust me to be on my own... he wil ask so many questions about 'why and how' i just dont want the hassle i would rather deal with this by myself but the loneliness is drivin me crazy.. we fight so much and i know its all my fault.. i developed such a short temper ever since the start of my bulimia.. i constantly think about my weight... its on my mind 24/7 and wenever my bf starts talkin to me wen im in a world of my own im so short with him then we have a big argument.. its tearin my life apart but i cant stop... i feel so disgusted wen i eat i HAVE get rid of it.. the satisfaction i get from purging is euphoric... i dont think il ever stop.. im feelin the toll of the purging on my stomach.. the pain is excruciating.. bulimia changed my personality and temperament drasticaly and yes i think its y ur feelin depressed too

[affingirl]

hey.thanks for the reply.good to know that im not alone in this.i wish i could stop.im underweight already.bmi's 18 or sumting and i still see fat when i look in the mirror.i wonder if im ever gonna get better.=X

[Melancholy_Soul]

its realy up to yourself whether u stop, no one can make u, people can give u advice and try to direct you but it all comes down to wot u want to do, i try to keep myself busy alot, i try doin lots of mental activities to help me stop me obsessin over my problems, i recoveed for about 4 months but i had a relapse a couple of weeks ago and i cant stop.. thats y im on here just to talk to some people who are goin thru the same thing

[affingirl]

Things are getting worse between us.I am so depressed,I'm starting to punish myself for the way things are turning out.I feel I've ruined my relationship.I cry buckets and buckets of tears every night.I've even resorted to self-harm.Maybe Bulimia is not an excuse,but would it be better if he knew?I feel so sick and tired of everything=(.Help someone!I DONT DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.