Here we go again...

[EnoughIsEnough]

During yet another major binge this morning, it hit me that I don't even enjoy it anymore.

I don't enjoy the shame of buying binge food.
I don't enjoy the cost of binge food.
I don't enjoy the taste of binge food.
I don't enjoy the lack of control.
I don't enjoy the fact that I've stretched my stomach to a dangerous level.
I don't enjoy being so full that I can't breathe.
I don't enjoy forcing my fingers down my throat.
I don't enjoy the taste of acid.
I don't enjoy the mess of purging.
I don't enjoy the degrading feeling of puking in a bin, then carrying a bag of sick to the bathroom.
I don't enjoy the fact that my teeth are eroding.
I don't enjoy the scars on my knuckles.
I don't enjoy the way purging makes my cheeks swell.
I don't enjoy the heart palpitations. I never used to get them, and now I get them so badly it scares me.
I don't enjoy my eyes blacking out when I stand up.
I don't enjoy the dizziness.
I don't enjoy feeling weak all the time.

...Basically, I don't enjoy anything about bulimia. It's been ruling my life for far too long already. I'm so scared of allowing it to control me for even longer. I don't want to have to look back on ten, twenty years of bulimia. I don't want to have to worry that I'll damage myself so much that twenty years isn't even a certainty.

I just wish I could get a bit more help. Because I really do need it. Even though I push everyone away, I need their help more than anything.

The trouble is, bulimia is both my sanctuary and my coffin.

It's a bit of a pickle, really.

[madeofstars]

Hey mate :) Nice to see you in this part of the forum!

I am glad (well not glad cos it means you're feeling crappy but you get what i mean) that you have realised how much you hate bulimia and that you just want to get rid. As I sit here shovelling disgustingly tasteless chocolate fingers into my mouth, feeling more and more sick yet unable to stop until I physically CAN NOT eat any more, I think I might be in the same place as you!

Realising you need and want help is the most important step (sounds cliched, but is true!) so dont be scared to ask for it- go tell the mental health woman this afternoon- maybe even write something down so you cant chicken out and give it to her as soon as you get there. You deserve to beat bulimia, especially as it is making you so miserable, and you need lots of real life help and support. Start this afternoon by being honest with the MH advisor, and then do the same thing with your doctors next week. That's your first "recovery challenge" ok?! And get on the promise in bulimia forum with all of us!

Good luck, here if you need anything, you can pm a rant to me anytime! :)

[SeaFeel]

I know so well what you mean! Also, i get how you feel about time passing by and you getting older with this crap! It is such a terrible prospect to have. It made me remember one of the therapy sessions of mine, when i was complaining about my distorted body image and way of thinking about weight and looks. My therapist asked me what would happen when i get older. Not too old, just old enough to start having some wrinkles, feel my skin being less flexible, start finding gray/white hair when combing... Will i freak out and chase my crazy ideals of beauty, at all costs?

Without thinking, as an immediate responsei just said that i always imagined i would be smarter than that by that time... Well... I have to reasses... Holy crap will i be smarter if i continue further on this road. And realizing that has helped me a LOT to be more committed to recovery.

And it is so great that you have reached the same conclusion! And yes, asking for help is the first step, and you will find the form and the method that suits you the most! Good luck and i really hope to "see" you more often in this section!!!

[EnoughIsEnough]

Thanks for the replies, guys!

This is going to be the start of a good few days!

I'm at my boyfriends until Sunday night (so can't b/p), then I think he'll stop over until Monday morning, then I have the doctors at 10am so won't be able to b/p, then I've got an appointment with my mental health advisor on Tuesday at 10am, so I'll maybe be able to push it til then...then I see Matt again on Wednesday, results are on Thursday (but I just found out I got 10% on my Contract exam so the worry of failing has already been faced), then I HAVE TO SEE THE ENGLISH ADMISSIONS TUTOR ON FRIDAY...

egjgiqgjqmgowqfoqngmoqigmqogw.

It'll be a busy week. I'm hoping I can at least get my act together enough to go a few days b/p free. Small milestones, right?

I'm just terrified and simultaneously furious about the English admissions tutor (see my post on the bulimia forum...ugh.).

Stay strong, Rachael! You can do this! One hour, then you're in company!...

[madeofstars]

Yes! You can do it! And I'm going to do it too! And we're going to succeed, oh yes we are.

Here's to no more binging! x

[truthful87]

I know I don't know you like these other girls do, but I am still really proud of you for coming to this realization! This post actually really helped me, with your listing all the things you hate about bulimia. I can only relate up to the purging part because I don't purge, but that's enough for me. I totally agree about the getting older thing too. While this was a big day for you, you have to take the next step, because you'll feel even better. You need to start looking for help from others, or else you're most likely not going to get better. People want to help you, let them do it!! Anyway, congrats on this realization. And really helpful to me, too.
Good luck!! <3

[EnoughIsEnough]

Hey, thanks for replying! :)

Haha people know me? That's because I post like a maniac, even though I've not been around for long!

I'm trying to work out who I am again now...Day 3. Come on come on come on!!!

Having considered who I actually am...I want to keep in mind that bulimia does not define me. I'm so much more than that...even if I can't always see it, it's true. Yesss....

Woo for positivity! Jesus. I've gone from depressed to the max to positive in the course of a few hours. It's a start.

[madeofstars]

:) Day 3, that's amazing! I'm the same as you, let's do this shit together!!!

And no, bulimia does not define you at ALL. I know what you mean though, when it's been part of your life for soooo long, it's hard to see anything else. Maybe writing down all the things you enjoy without it would help (there's a typical NHS based therapy exercise for you to be getting on with haha!)

anyway, well done, and good luck! and glad you're feeling positive. i think i am too. not sure yet though, only just got up haha.

[EnoughIsEnough]

Maybe writing down all the things you enjoy without it would help

Heh, what a coincidence. I did something very similar last night in my blog! And it helped...but I still messed up this morning. I'm feeling more positive though...it's a start.