A prefect lie
06-08-2010, 11:11 AM
Dear ED
Long time no speak,my last letter seems so distant now. i said i would write and inform you all of my decicion this week. I want recovery, tarek said my heart is still in the lower normal range and this is the best he has seen is which is far from healthy. my heart ED the thing you need to keep me alive for if i die you die too. He said i am not fat, its in my head that your playing games with me, telling me lies, he said that clodagh is not telling me to eat too much at all, that its all part of your game to turn me away from my treatment team. even Emilie said that my good day and positive thinking was distorted another form of denial and condition behavior and thinking. you make me think its ok to eat my mp when the food is not there or a bad food is there but when i have to eat it its not ok. if i try eat it you make me binge to trick ppl then tell me how fat and greedy i am, what is it you want from me?
anyway i just wanted to say that today i decided that i will let tarek decide that if am eating too much, i wil let him determine if i am at a healthy weight/underweight/overweight, or if i am healthy or unhealthy, i will let clodagh tell me what food i need and how much and when i need it, i wil let emilie be the judge of what is distorted and what is good and bad for me. i will let clodgah control and let her work on speeding up my metabolism not you. she said she is monitoring it and i believe her. i like her. after all they have degrees what have you got, and they dont make loads of contradictions, they even tell me that i can eat and still stay tiny as i am if i let them build up my metabolism. its not black and white like it is with you. (eat and be fat or starve and be thin). with them i can eat and be thin, no exetremes. they tell me a calorie means nothing something although i am trying to understand i do not get. much like the distorted vision i have, i find it hard that i may have exetreme body distortion because ti feels adn seems so real.
I also had a great day yestderday out with ali and leah was fun and noone even noticed how fat or ugly yo kept telling me i looked. in fact clodgah and emilie say i am very beautifula dn when ppl think of me they think of how gorgeous i look first then how funny and nice i am. they even want me to be a careworker. thats such an honor to be askes to work alongside them when i recover, in such a prestigios place with such fabulos caring ppl. that flies in the face of what you tell me i am capable of or what ppl think of me.
i even broke some of your rules yesterday and did the world collapse and fall apart no im here still.i never realised your gold over me or how difficult reclaiming my life would be but even eating with my right hand is a huge achievement for me, one more step as of many i took yesterday towards my freedom. make me feel as guilty as you want but guilt is a positive it means im taking one step to being free of you.
i want more than one good half day i want a good life like you promsed. but your way isnt workin so im truing something new. no doubt you will be thre waiting for me to come crawling back but i will ask em, clo or tarek for help instead and i will be ok.
xxx Ciara xxx
Long time no speak,my last letter seems so distant now. i said i would write and inform you all of my decicion this week. I want recovery, tarek said my heart is still in the lower normal range and this is the best he has seen is which is far from healthy. my heart ED the thing you need to keep me alive for if i die you die too. He said i am not fat, its in my head that your playing games with me, telling me lies, he said that clodagh is not telling me to eat too much at all, that its all part of your game to turn me away from my treatment team. even Emilie said that my good day and positive thinking was distorted another form of denial and condition behavior and thinking. you make me think its ok to eat my mp when the food is not there or a bad food is there but when i have to eat it its not ok. if i try eat it you make me binge to trick ppl then tell me how fat and greedy i am, what is it you want from me?
anyway i just wanted to say that today i decided that i will let tarek decide that if am eating too much, i wil let him determine if i am at a healthy weight/underweight/overweight, or if i am healthy or unhealthy, i will let clodagh tell me what food i need and how much and when i need it, i wil let emilie be the judge of what is distorted and what is good and bad for me. i will let clodgah control and let her work on speeding up my metabolism not you. she said she is monitoring it and i believe her. i like her. after all they have degrees what have you got, and they dont make loads of contradictions, they even tell me that i can eat and still stay tiny as i am if i let them build up my metabolism. its not black and white like it is with you. (eat and be fat or starve and be thin). with them i can eat and be thin, no exetremes. they tell me a calorie means nothing something although i am trying to understand i do not get. much like the distorted vision i have, i find it hard that i may have exetreme body distortion because ti feels adn seems so real.
I also had a great day yestderday out with ali and leah was fun and noone even noticed how fat or ugly yo kept telling me i looked. in fact clodgah and emilie say i am very beautifula dn when ppl think of me they think of how gorgeous i look first then how funny and nice i am. they even want me to be a careworker. thats such an honor to be askes to work alongside them when i recover, in such a prestigios place with such fabulos caring ppl. that flies in the face of what you tell me i am capable of or what ppl think of me.
i even broke some of your rules yesterday and did the world collapse and fall apart no im here still.i never realised your gold over me or how difficult reclaiming my life would be but even eating with my right hand is a huge achievement for me, one more step as of many i took yesterday towards my freedom. make me feel as guilty as you want but guilt is a positive it means im taking one step to being free of you.
i want more than one good half day i want a good life like you promsed. but your way isnt workin so im truing something new. no doubt you will be thre waiting for me to come crawling back but i will ask em, clo or tarek for help instead and i will be ok.
xxx Ciara xxx