Rape & Promiscuity

[jenni09]

So I was raped.
And I haven't faced this fact.
I know it.
I'm running away from my feelings because I already know that if I feel them, oh hell, it's gonna hurt.

I had not had sex.
This rape was my first sexual activity (vaginal).
I had told the guy I was sexual active with (orally) that I wasn't ready for any other type of sex.

Anyway, like I said, some fucker raped me...

I didn't tell this guy I'm with.

I don't know how to.

I haven't told anyone, really.

I don't think it's a burden others should have to carry...

Anyway, this guy I'm with...I saw him for the first time since I was raped.
He took me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, probably thought I wanted to drink like I had done so (what seems like such a long time ago) so we went to his apartment with his roomate and some Mickey's.
I drank one.
Extra slow.
I didn't realize I didn't want to drink until I was halfway done with it.
So I stopped.
And I just hung out as they drank.

What I wanted was to be with him.
Just him and I.
Alone.
In his room.
Like before.
I always felt safe.
Protected.
In our own world.

So this time the usual was going to happen.
But it turns out I was on my period.

So he didn't.
But then I told him I wanted to try it.

He asked if I was sure.

I said yeah. My hormones said yeah.
But more or less, my self-worth- or more so, lack of self-worth- allowed me to go through with it.

It hurt. But he was extremely careful and would stop as soon as he thought I was uncomfortable, etc.

Everything was fine. Pretty satisfactory, or whatever.
Except that when we were done, I suddenly felt like crying.
I felt violated all over again.
But I told myself it was because of what happened to me.
So I didn't cry.
I didn't want to freak him out.

But I had meltdown after meltdown for the rest of the day. And I hate myself. But I hate that motherfucker who raped me even more.

For touching me- for violating me.
Ugh, I just want to kill him sometimes.

Anyway. The thing is, I'm confused as to what the fuck that was all about.

Is it possible for someone to be extremely sexually active after being sexually abused?

Because I find myself having random thoughts about having sex.
And that just makes me feel like a complete slut.
I feel dirty, guilty, and ashamed of myself.

I really don't know what is going on with me.

[averageguy]

I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

Good luck in making the most of your current relationship.

Just beacuse something happened to you, doesn't mean you need to be the one sufferring.

[gmacarroll]

I'm so so sorry you have to deal with this...I do think you need to talk to someone about it though, a family member, a friend, a counselor, even someone on here if you feel comfortable opening up to a "stranger". If you haven't already, you should also seriously consider reporting it to the police.
I was raped by 3 different people (everyday for about a year when I was 5, when I was about 8-9 and once again when I was about 12) and really, I wish I would have had the opportunity to talk to someone about how I was feeling before it destroyed my soul. You may think ignoring it is the best way to get over it, but that just lets it eat you from the inside out.

From my experience, increased promiscuity and random sexual thoughts are normal. When I first had consensual sex I was the same as you-I craved the closeness, and figured that being so connected with someone I cared about would make the feelings I had about myself and about sex go away...make things better. I was wrong, it just brought all the feelings of shame and guilt back. I cried for days because I felt so dirty for enjoying something that had hurt me so bad before. Like I was a whore.

Being raped so young really had an effect on me (again, may be TMI) but I started masturbating really young, talked about sex all the time at school (so much that I often got in trouble for it), and when I played with Barbies or ponies or wtv, my games ALWAYS involved one of them being raped. Everyday I'd play this sick scenario out (the girl would be raped and then murdered, or the girl would be raped and her friends and family found out about it and hated her and kicked her out of the "village" and she killed herself etc...), normalizing my experience and expressing my pain and conflicted emotions through the toys. I'm shocked and ashamed my parents saw me playing out these scenes and never talked to me about it, or took me to someone to get help (they knew about the first rape). Even now, whenever I get nervous in social situations (so, pretty much anytime im in one haha) I can't stop myself from talking about really f'ed up porn, or sex or wtv. I can't "get off" without thinking of someone degrading me or hurting me etc...I don't understand why...I feel like a whore everyday, even though I've only been with one person. I don't understand why I think about sex the way I do, and I wish I had been able to talk to someone about it. I still don't have enough courage to tell a counselor about it now (for some reason I think they'll think im a whore) but I wish I did.

If you ever need to talk about anything, please PM me. I know how hard it is, and I understand what you are going through. Just remember that what happened isn't your fault. You are strong and beautiful and have survived this with a courage that many people do not possess. <3

[jenni09]

thank you so much for your support =>

[bones]

I have an entire lifetime of sexual abuse.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
Some parts of our stories seem similar or at least very relatable.

I apologize for my brief reply.
I spent all day crying about a lot of shit like that and it just took too much out of my for me to post too much of my life on here. Ha.

If you want to talk, PM me.
I'd like to talk to you. :D

[Marialise]

Yeah.. I don't really want to go into details but I want to let you know that you are NOT alone!!

I was raped at 5 and have had probs with sexual "play" and promiscuity...

Like Gma said... talk to someone... whether me, or her, or someone in real life...

Its MUCH better to deal with the prob when it happens than to let it fester!!

<<33 and pm me if needed!! XOXO- M