Not possible

[madeofstars]

I am RUBBISH FAILURE doomed to always have this stupid eating disorder.

I was WRONG to think i could recover. It's impossible. I have binged today.

I need someone to help me. But I cant tell my boyfriend, I'm embarrassed at being so out of control.

No need to reply, I just wanted to tell SOMEONE that I am a big old fat failure who cant even control food for a week.

[SeaFeel]

Hon, you said there is no need to reply, but still i want to!
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I totally KNOW where youre coming from, i am also trying to recover and i have my slip ups too! Just forget it and go on with your plan the next day! Or even the same day!
I really dont want to preach or anything like that. What i can tell you is that i have been struggling with recovery for over 4 months now. And it is taking just as much of my time and thoughts as living with full ED behaviour, and sometimes i really doubt that it will ever be easier. BUT. There is also improvement, many things are much, much easier now. So i think its worth it, on the long run! I'm telling you this as someone who still cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, but has been walking in the right direction for a while now!
Just dont give up, will you? If you would like to talk, i am here to help you. We can do it!

[madeofstars]

Thank you so much for replying and being so supportive.

I guess I know deep down that I shouldnt give up and I should just carry on with my plan as normal and just view this as a little blip but it's just so frustrating when all I want is to be normal with food and I just cant see how to do it...so many people in the world just eat and dont think about it, I'm just sick of it ruining my life in whatever form it takes- restricting, binging, obsessing etc etc.

I suppose I didnt think recovery would be as hard as it is....I thought I was just being an idiot before with all my ED behaviours and could just snap out of it when the time came that I was ready to recover, but in actual fact, I've done more obsessing over food and rules and what to eat/not to eat since I decided to recover than I did when I was fully stuck in my ED...trying to break habits is SO hard!!

I admire you for being in recovery for over 4 months and not giving up even though it is a struggle. I will definitely keep posting in this bit of the forum, I really want to get this sorted. It's funny, on the anorexic forum people say things like "stay strong, dont eat" but it's actually stronger to try anf fight those thoughts if that makes sense.

Thanks again for replying, I am here to help you as well, and dont worry I wont give up, I want this too badly, I want to beat my ED.

[neverland]

I think that bingeing is an almost unavoidable part of recovery. If your letting your body have food, it's probably going to binge at the beginning because it thinks it wont get food for a while. I think all the eating will eventually teach your body that it will get food and it doesn't need to binge.

I sound a lot more positive than I'm feeling though. I have been eating horribly for the past few days and I'm really hoping that my body will recognize this soon. I had a couple of good, pretty normal days and hopefully I will be back at that soon. I really hope I'm right about this.

[neverland]

but it's totally possible
<3

[SeaFeel]

...all I want is to be normal with food and I just cant see how to do it...so many people in the world just eat and dont think about it, I'm just sick of it ruining my life in whatever form it takes- restricting, binging, obsessing etc etc.

Yes, it seems so not fair, 'other' people eating and enjoying food without thinking about it! I have had these thoughts since i was a child. However, my therapist pointed out something really interesting about it, which i thought i'd share, maybe it can be of use for you too!

I was explaining how desperate i was, feeling like my attitude towards food would never change, and i will always have to obsess about what i eat. She said that if i changed just one word in the last part of this sentence, it might not even be that scary anymore. Meaning, if instead of saying "I will always have to obsess about what i eat" i'd say "I'll always have to pay attention to what i eat", it is not even such a bad concept anymore.

Like, you have to pay attention to so many things in your everyday routine without realizing it or considering it a problem. For example, you have to brush your teeth, brush your hair, take a shower... Sometimes these things take up your time you could use for something else, sometimes you dont feel like doing them at all, still, you do it because you know its good for you. Eating is the same to an extent, and after a while, obsessing becomes simply paying attention, then it will be so natural we wont even notice it is taking any effort...

Also, all you hear these days is how everyone should pay more attention to eating healthy, working out... Keeping a healthy amount of our concerns could even be an advantage on the long run :).

Hey, happy to read a more upbeat post, and just keep the work up! I'd be happy to read more posts about your progress - from all of you!

XXX

[madeofstars]

^^^ I like that phrase SeaFeel, about "paying attention to" instead of "obsessing". I will bear that in mind in the future. Thank you- really helpful <3

And neverland, you're right, I have been thinking a lot today and (despite still being in the middle of a mammoth binge, oh the shame, i dont even want to think about what ive eaten today) I've realised that I was kind of expecting this binge. Like one last "eat whatever you like, hate yourself and feel sick, be completely out of control" binge before I embrace recovery. I know that sounds weird and really really messed up but I think I knew this was going to happen and I've kind of allowed it to...like if a recovering alcoholic goes on one last drinking binge. I dont think this will last very long. I feel horrendous and it's made me even more determined to recover. Today is the last official ED day. I've eaten all I can eat, I feel revolting and tomorrow I am off to the doctors to beg for support and say how I really really want to change.

I do want to change. I think I'm just allowing my ED to kind of "play with me" for one last time. But this really truly is the last time. I want out.

And yes, let's get this recovery part of the forum more busy!!! I want to hear about others' recoveries too and really make a good support group out of the few of us who are around. Who's in? (this is like a fasting challenge almost, but recovery based!!!)

[SeaFeel]

GREAT, as you can guess, i'm in! Haha i like it, fasting challange, but the challenge is in fact eating normally :)
Maybe we have to move to a thread with a more positive title, though :D

@neverland: You are right about our bodies adapting to eating normally. They are just a bit confused right now, all the binging, fasting, purging... But my own experience shows that after a few weeks, your metabolism kind of reboots and starts working properly, not storing whatever calories it gets. Just dont be scared when you gain a few pounds at the beginning, it really does go away!!

[neverland]

@neverland: You are right about our bodies adapting to eating normally. They are just a bit confused right now, all the binging, fasting, purging... But my own experience shows that after a few weeks, your metabolism kind of reboots and starts working properly, not storing whatever calories it gets. Just dont be scared when you gain a few pounds at the beginning, it really does go away!!

thanks so much this was really really helpful!! I'll just have to hang in there and stick to it.

And I definitely agree with you madeofstars! We have to get this forum busier! & I think it's already starting to! =]

[JEANNE]

I am so inspired by all 3 of you (and think I;ve written or responded to all of you individually). You guys just really give me hope. And I want you to know that I believe that you all have the determination, courage, strength and desire to do this! No one says it will be easy or lovely, but what in life that is worthwhile is achieved without a little hard work, blood, sweat and tears??? Anyway, I am here for all of you and thank you for all the positive energy that is flowing out of this post. Yee-hah for all of you. Be nice to yourselves, Ed has beaten you up enough. Love xxoo Jeanne