Recovery-minded

[JEANNE]

I am recovery-minded at the moment: meaning I want to be healthy, happy. I want my life back without ed. I want it, I want normalcy. For the first time perhaps "I want" vs "they want" has occurred. "They" (family, friends, bf, therapist, doctor) have all either left me or been kicked out by me or fired by me. So the "they" factor is gone, its just me-me-me. Lonely, sad, isolated, solitary ME. Me and my eating disorder.

Maybe it needed to happen before I could decide to take my own life back. Maybe this is the bottom you have to hit before you can bob back up to the surface?? I don't know. But I do know that enough is enough. Hope its not too late. I want to get better, I want to take charge of my health and recovery. I want.

Hopefully its not too much to ask. I don't want this life of trappings and chains anymore. I don't want to be held to a number on the scale or a size of clothing. My worth is more than that. Or is it? Is it? Maybe I am the nothing that I've pursued all these years. Maybe my pursit of zero has become reality and I am nothing?! Is a nothing worth saving? If I were worth saving then why was it so easy to leave me? Where is my accountability in this mess?

I just started my f-you diet. Is that recovery-minded? Lo, lo-cal + lots of cardio. Hah, who;s fooling who?

It never ends. How do you do it? How is it done? I've yet to meet a recovered person that can answer that question and tell me that a recovered life is better. Anyone? anyone?

[LightsTurnOff]

I suppose I am in a similar mindset to you at the moment, but I too have massive doubts about the whole process. I think that is understandable though given recovery is a big thing to take on.

I could never go it alone and just decide to get better by myself - I do need support, massive amounts of it and so I did find myself a therapist a few months ago. Initially I was doubtful but more recently I'm definitely coming round to the idea that surely after all these years I've punished myself enough. There has to come a point where I say my eating disordered life is no longer sustainable. It's true, if I don't stop I will eventually die. That sometimes feels like a relief but given no one knows what death holds it might be better to see what things are like if I could grasp back a little bit more normalicy too. I'm not asking for overnight change but I do wonder what things would be like if I could just relax a little bit because right now my life is consumed by thinking about not eating and losing weight. It's a 24/7 barrage of thoughts. I figure that everyone is worth something, every life is worth something, there are many things I'm yet to do that I'd love to experience. Do you ever feel that way?

Dieting isn't recovery minded but just like you I'm still quite determined at the moment to keep losing, even though I really want another life for myself I feel like I need to somehow complete the eating disorder journey once and for all and then come back out of it. I almost need one last shock. It's also very difficult to carve change, how do you even begin to change 7 years worth of disordered eating habits. It's almost just that's the way it works for me and it's not to be questioned.

I have never met anyone who can answer me any of these questions either but if you never even get to feel recovery for yourself you'll never truely know, since we all can take a different opinion. That's why I feel I need to get there and decide for myself first before I condemn myself to being permenantly eating disordered because once I choose the path for myself that's it. I've already carried this illness into adulthood and it's almost like a last chance to get out before I commit myself for life. Maybe you can identify with some of these feelings, it's just so confusing!

[JEANNE]

yes, I most certainly connect with what you've said. Also carried this ed from childhood to teenhood to adulthood........ its been decades. I'm tired, way tired of the fight. For me, its a huge, HUGE trusting factor. Just take that leap of faith as a recovered friend of mine has said. Hard to do, but when I think of some of my life's greatest joys were preceded by some tremendous risks. It will come, thanks for your posts. Well-written, lots of wisdom & experience.

[JSMarcus]

I can't say that what I know is useful. What I can say is that recovery is just as much work for me...personally, as starving and hiding it is. I say "is" because I am having some trouble with maintenance right now. I have lost six pounds in the last two weeks because of restricting again. When your on maintenance it is hard to:
1. explain that
2. hide that
When you still have out patient weigh ins and regular check ups. There is just as much "restriction" out here as there was before I got help.

There are parts of this that are really good. There are parts of this that are really hard. What I can tell you that both sides are a choice...you have to gotta want this change. I promise you this, your going to fall down, your going to want to give up. Your going to need all the support to stick with it as possible even if you screw up.

Recovery is a nice idea, but I don't know if it really exists, and it certainly isn't as easy as a crash diet. Hope this helps?

[JEANNE]

thank you for taking the time and effort to respond. Recovery is a choice and a decision.... you are right about that and the fact that it is Hard Work. thanks much, best of luck to you too!