:S Bad bad day

[gmacarroll]

Today was such a bad day...I woke up feeling really good about myself, I was going to continue my fast and everything was going to be perfect! Then, I decided I could maybe have some pizza and just throw it up afterwards. Well, not even hungry turned into eating a pizza, 4 bowls of cereal, 4 pieces of toast, 2 rows of fudgio cookies with milk and 2 eggs. I was so panicked cus I couldn't purge any of it up, so...I drank dish soap. I phoned poison control first and said my "daughter" had ingested dish soap and was wondering if it could harm her. The lady said no, it would probably just make her throw up. PERFECT!!! I thought! Well, I drank a bunch of dish soap...nothing happened. So I drank salt water and tried to purge....again, nothing! I was so so panicked that I drank 3 shots of jack daniels with 32 diet pills (alcohol to help the pills "work" faster...I took so many for god knows what reason, obviously they aren't even going to work). Then I decided to take laxatives...I have liquid stuff my dr. gave me, so I drank 1/2 a cup of that, and some eye drops (heard they are like a laxative).

anyways, my mom came in on me about half way through this...I had my dish soap out, my salt, about 5 glasses of fluids to help with the purge and a bowl full of vomit (along with a toothbrush in my hand). Instead of asking me what I was doing, or getting mad or upset she said "are you sure you want to throw these sweat pants out?"....holy shit right? she just caught me in a state of absolute panic, throwing everything up and she didn't even care!!! I was so so devastated. This is about when I took the diet pills/alcohol/laxatives-nobody really cared anyways, if I died doing it who the fuck really gave a shit. no one. I was even on msn with my boyfriend crying over what my mom just did and how she must hate me because she didn't even care enough to tell me to stop, and he didn't even seem to care :( He was more excited about having his new computer back...barely said 3 words to me because he was busy gaming.

Anyways, I ended up having to go to the hospital cus my stomach was killing me and I was about to pass out. Everyone there thought I was stupid. they thought I was trying to kill myself...with dish soap. Christ, if I was going to off myself I wouldn't do it with a goddamn bottle of sunlight dish detergent! Now i'm home, and guess what I just did...ate a plate full of fries with gravy and cheese, macaroni salad, 2 pieces of KFC chicken and 4 cookies. I'm planning on walking to the store and buying candy later on. I've already ruined today fasting wise, so I might as well make it worth while.

I hate myself so much right now. :(

[mel_92]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so upset, and about your mum and your boyfriend :(
I hate those feelings after binging, especially when I've been doing well. I don't really know what I can say to make you feel better cos I doubt anything will. I just hope you feel a bit better tomorrow x x

[Wannabe Beauty]

I'm so sorry this happened to you!
Don't worry, the thing is with this is that you can pick yourself back up again!
Just think of it as a quick metabolism boost, and get back on track tomorrow.
Good luck! x~

[runnerG87]

Hun I am so sorry! That is abosultely awful that no one wanted to pay attention to you. I hope everything is ok now. Be safe and if you ever need anything just let one of us know. I am sure one of us will understand an if not we are all really good listeners. Stay safe and I am sure you can get back on track. You are strong and you can do anything. :)

[gmacarroll]

Thanks :) I b/ped again this morning which sucks...I think I lost track because I've been so stressed out about exams, and figured that in order to do well on the exams I should probably eat a bit (since I was barely eating anything, and couldn't think straight and kept forgetting things). The thing is, whenever I eat, even if it's just a little bit I somehow manage to turn it into a binge. This morning, instead of studying like I should have, I was eating fudgios dipped in milk and then throwing them up :( wasted a good hour doing that, but I think I still managed to do ok on my exam. I have another exam on monday, so hopefully I won't make the mistake of binging again...I've realized it's SO much worse to have to deal with the stress of exams when you are in full blown panic mode because you can't purge enough, then if I just sit down and tell myself "hey! you aren't eating! stop thinking about it and just study!"

I will go home and exercise and hopefully correct the mistake I made by binging like a cow.

Thanks for the support guys...I know it's probably super retarded but it makes me feel less alone. I was in such a sad state yesterday that I just kept telling myself that it didn't matter if I was fat because no one loved me now anyways. Hopefully today will go by a bit better :D

[JSMarcus]

Oh I am so so very sorry you are going through this cycle right now. This just breaks my heart and if there was a way to fix it I would. (((hugs))) It sounds like your mother has some issues of pretty bad denial and avoidance of her own. That is scary beyond all reason too. You can't fix that, and it isn't your fault. That is her demon to deal with. Someday she will have to reconcile that guilt. I hope you can find strength in knowing that both your boyfriend and her will have to face that.

As for the b/p cycle that sometimes seems unbreakable...I heard once it can be looked at as a metaphor for life. Filling yourself with the wrong things but doing it anyway (lord you just can't stop yourself). Then over riding it as punishment... do we ever really learn?

It sounds like you need to focus your energy on something else if you can. You need some fresh air, a release from your aggressions and pain so you can break out of this cycle. How have you broke out of these cycles before? What can we do to help support you?