Why can't I just be happy?

[louie]

For a moment I thought I was. Almost. Or atleast could be soonish.
It all collapsed again. It just needed one tiny push and now I can't see any light in the end of the tunnel.

All the thoughts about dying are back, self-loath is stronger than ever, I get panic-attacks(had to run out of a meeting I'd been looking forward to cause I started shaking and had troubles with breathing..), get totally anxious around anyone(I couldn't even get in a bus when I thought there's people, I am being paranoid(I went to a store and got scared when I thought they were staring at me and rushed back home), I can't trust my friends(do I have friends?).. I feel like can't live with myself anymore. This isn't living.

There's no happy ending in sight for me. I can't think of any reason to even try anymore. I'll never be good enough, I'll never be happy, I'll always be worthless. I'll end up nowhere.

Ughh, I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I thought there was something great waiting for me. Doesn't feel very likely anymore. I don't get this. I wish I could keep fooling myself as I was.

Why can't I be happy as I was for a moment? Am I just born like this? Maybe I'm just not ment to be happy?
Is it possible that not everyone is ment to be happy? That some of us are doomed to be unhappy?
Even if everything seems to be fine?

Okay, I've no idea what is going through my mind. Again.

[Lady Persephone]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (Louie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))) --that means a really gigantic hug

I know how you feel, my friend. It's gonna be okay, one day. Just keep hanging on. We're here for you, well, I know I am and I'm sure others are too. Yeah, I do think not everyone was meant to be happy . . . I wasn't, I know that. I have moments of happiness, but, they're fleeting and all too soon forgotten. You have to find your favourite moment in life and cling to it when ever you can. :) If you like to write, then write, if you play an instrument, do that. What ever turns you on. Just do it and live in that moment.

[louie]

You speak the words of wisdom ;)
It's so hard to see the beautiful little things on life that make me happy. This is all so exhausting.
I wish I'm ment to find my happy place someday. I have to believe I'll find it or otherwise ....
I don't know how to live my life.

[scarlettsupper]

believe me I know exactly what you mean with every word you said.
- 'some people are just born with tragedy in their blood'
~ gretchen ross, donnie darko

[louie]

.. It's so unfair.
And I don't get it. I mean.. Why is that? Why do some people deserve it and others don't?

Thinking about this makes me even more depressed.. Thinking that I might never be happy. Aaargh.