Kittay {iz a fatty!}
04-21-2009, 08:37 AM
I'm Kittay, my real name is Jen. My ED is somewhat confusing to me. At first I called her Mia but I never fit that description to a tee since I only purged on occasion, then I called her Ana but I was never considered "below ideal weight" and never experienced amenorrhea so that wasn't right either, so I guess that makes her EDNOS but now I just call her me. It's funny how people always think you have to be super skinny to have an ED but I know that's not true....I go from stages of COE to the point of severe obesity then restrict and fast until I'm 'skinny' again. I've always had an odd relationship with food. I use it as punishment, as a reward, a comfort...my moods often revolve around my food intake or lack thereof. Every since I can remember food has been my worst enemy and my best friend, culminating in a vicious cycle of gaining and losing.
I have struggled with food and weight all my life but high school is where vanity got the best of me and my ED became an obsession. I was that girl in "the friend zone". Nobody wanted to date the fat girl, hell my senior prom date called me two weeks before to tell me that he was taking another girl, a skinnier girl. And who could blame him?! I wouldn't have taken me if I were him. I was a loaner for the most part and the few friends I had were all smaller than me. I hated going to the pool with them, shopping for clothes with them, pretty much everything we did I hated b/c I was so self-conscious about how I looked compared to them.
The summer before my senior year, in May, standing at 5'10" I weighed 210 lbs. Everyone said "theres no way you weigh that much" but I knew they were snickering behind my back. I decided to take control and I started purging everytime I ate, it progressed to restricting only, then it became fasting for long periods of time with a week of 200 cal restriction in between fasts. By the time school started in August I was down to 160. I continued fasting, with the occassional binge and purge when I had to eat in front of people, and by the time graduation rolled around I was at 143 and in a size 6. Everyone was dumbfounded and I couldn't grasp why. Looking back I know it looked good on me but everytime I looked in the mirror all I saw was the same fatty staring back at me, taunting me.
At my lowest I was 136 lbs. and I managed to maintain that weight, only fluctuating 5-10 lbs, for about 4 years. At that point I went through a few traumatic experiences like my mom becoming very ill (liver transplant & cancer) and ultimately her death, failing out of college repeatedly, getting pregnant and having an abortion, and all of my friends and family began pressuring me about admitting to and seeking treatment for my ED. I decided to gain a little weight to get them off my back. It started with 10 lbs, then 20, then 30 until I had finally gained over 100 lbs.!
For the last eight years I have struggled with my weight maintaining a pretty steady 200-250 lbs., but occasionally dropping to the 180's. I tried eating healthy, I've joined countless gyms: you know doing it the healthy way and I'll stick with it for a while. But at the end of the day (month actually) I see the numbers on the scale and lose hope. Then I comfort myself with my beloved food and gain it right back. It seems like I have no control over it!
Lately I have been looking back at old pictures of myself when I was smaller and I am truly disgusted by how I've let myself go! I see how my my wrists were jutting out above my hands, I can remember how my hipbones were just starting to protrude nicely, and how I could see my bottom two ribs starting to show under my skin. I remember how it felt to be in control of food instead of food being in control of me. Now I'm just huge, I can't stand to let my fiance' touch me, I avoid mirrors like the plague, I hate going out with my friends because I'm the fat girl. I'm the one everyone stares at and laughs about, at least in my mind I am.
This leads me to where I am today. I am miserable in my own skin! About three weeks ago I began restricting again in order to prepare for a long fast. I've gone from 235 lbs. to 221.8 lbs since last Monday, and everytime I step on the scale I am elated that my numbers are going down. I look at food and think about how many oz. or lbs. I will gain if I eat it. I've started the "No thanks, I just ate" excuse again and if that won't get me out of eating in front of people I purge afterwards, but mostly I try to avoid any social situation where there will be food.
I have come back to what I know....what I had forgotten I love. In some sick and twisted way I love the deprivation. I love that empty feeling in my stomach. I love waking up in the morning to a rumbling tummy and immediately telling myself no. I love knowing that even though I will never be good enough for myself that I am in 100% total control over at least one aspect of my life. I love my ED and I know that even if everyone on earth disappeared she would still be there. She is the only thing I can rely on to be there constantly.
I'm not exactly sure what led me here. My fiance knows about my ED and he neither supports nor invalidates when it comes to my behaviors. I've found one other online community I am a part of but I guess there's never enough support when it comes to this illness. Anyway, I guess I'm just hoping I can fit in here without having to hide who I am.
I have struggled with food and weight all my life but high school is where vanity got the best of me and my ED became an obsession. I was that girl in "the friend zone". Nobody wanted to date the fat girl, hell my senior prom date called me two weeks before to tell me that he was taking another girl, a skinnier girl. And who could blame him?! I wouldn't have taken me if I were him. I was a loaner for the most part and the few friends I had were all smaller than me. I hated going to the pool with them, shopping for clothes with them, pretty much everything we did I hated b/c I was so self-conscious about how I looked compared to them.
The summer before my senior year, in May, standing at 5'10" I weighed 210 lbs. Everyone said "theres no way you weigh that much" but I knew they were snickering behind my back. I decided to take control and I started purging everytime I ate, it progressed to restricting only, then it became fasting for long periods of time with a week of 200 cal restriction in between fasts. By the time school started in August I was down to 160. I continued fasting, with the occassional binge and purge when I had to eat in front of people, and by the time graduation rolled around I was at 143 and in a size 6. Everyone was dumbfounded and I couldn't grasp why. Looking back I know it looked good on me but everytime I looked in the mirror all I saw was the same fatty staring back at me, taunting me.
At my lowest I was 136 lbs. and I managed to maintain that weight, only fluctuating 5-10 lbs, for about 4 years. At that point I went through a few traumatic experiences like my mom becoming very ill (liver transplant & cancer) and ultimately her death, failing out of college repeatedly, getting pregnant and having an abortion, and all of my friends and family began pressuring me about admitting to and seeking treatment for my ED. I decided to gain a little weight to get them off my back. It started with 10 lbs, then 20, then 30 until I had finally gained over 100 lbs.!
For the last eight years I have struggled with my weight maintaining a pretty steady 200-250 lbs., but occasionally dropping to the 180's. I tried eating healthy, I've joined countless gyms: you know doing it the healthy way and I'll stick with it for a while. But at the end of the day (month actually) I see the numbers on the scale and lose hope. Then I comfort myself with my beloved food and gain it right back. It seems like I have no control over it!
Lately I have been looking back at old pictures of myself when I was smaller and I am truly disgusted by how I've let myself go! I see how my my wrists were jutting out above my hands, I can remember how my hipbones were just starting to protrude nicely, and how I could see my bottom two ribs starting to show under my skin. I remember how it felt to be in control of food instead of food being in control of me. Now I'm just huge, I can't stand to let my fiance' touch me, I avoid mirrors like the plague, I hate going out with my friends because I'm the fat girl. I'm the one everyone stares at and laughs about, at least in my mind I am.
This leads me to where I am today. I am miserable in my own skin! About three weeks ago I began restricting again in order to prepare for a long fast. I've gone from 235 lbs. to 221.8 lbs since last Monday, and everytime I step on the scale I am elated that my numbers are going down. I look at food and think about how many oz. or lbs. I will gain if I eat it. I've started the "No thanks, I just ate" excuse again and if that won't get me out of eating in front of people I purge afterwards, but mostly I try to avoid any social situation where there will be food.
I have come back to what I know....what I had forgotten I love. In some sick and twisted way I love the deprivation. I love that empty feeling in my stomach. I love waking up in the morning to a rumbling tummy and immediately telling myself no. I love knowing that even though I will never be good enough for myself that I am in 100% total control over at least one aspect of my life. I love my ED and I know that even if everyone on earth disappeared she would still be there. She is the only thing I can rely on to be there constantly.
I'm not exactly sure what led me here. My fiance knows about my ED and he neither supports nor invalidates when it comes to my behaviors. I've found one other online community I am a part of but I guess there's never enough support when it comes to this illness. Anyway, I guess I'm just hoping I can fit in here without having to hide who I am.