why

[lalalalaah]

When I first joined here I was purging maybe 3 times a week when I ate too much for dinner. But things weren't really that bad. But over a month everything seems to have fallen apart. I feel like crap all of the time and every time I look in the mirror I see this fat legged big bellied loser. There's been a lot going on with life fighting with friends, feeling under appreciated by my family and missing home are the main ones.

I guess its all pushed me too far, now I'm starving myself until dinner when someone always makes food then when I eat that i eat too much and then feel guilty and go and purge. It's like I have a split personality or like those cheesy old tom and Jerry's when he has a devil on one side and an angel on the other, I have like an argument in my head one side tells me
'its stupid and gross and you don't wanna do it anymore, your throat hurts and your stomach does too, its messing with your cycle, your head, your teeth are already f_cked and everything else is'
and the other sides saying
'think of all the calories in that huge bowel of pasta, all the cheesy, imagine how many pounds that is, inches on your already fat thighs'
and the bad side just keeps winning. I'm going insane. I want to stop but I can't and that just makes me even more stressed out.

Ugh, I just needed to get that out of my system.

[saryndipitous]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I definitely remember last summer when I would mostly starve until dinner, then freak out and purge dinner. I can also relate to the angel/devil thing. I'm so ambivalent about restricting now. I really want to do it, but I've made so much progress in terms of being healthy I want to maintain that. So I end up restricting all day, then decide I don't want to do it anymore and have a big snack at night. Then I catch myself in the mirror the next morning and look oh so fat, so I vow to restrict again today.

I wish I could offer some advice... :( It's the ambivalence that's so stressful. I hope it works out for you.