do you hurt too?

[simple?_wrong]

does anyone else feel tired of this lifestyle? and hate that no-one understands? because i can't handle it much longer. I've been bulemic for just over two years and never thought it was a problem. i was never really secretive about it, a few of my friends knew and my boyfriend of 17 months knew. i didn't realise how much of an issue it was until a few weeks ago. i just started to realise how much food controlled my life, it wasn't the purging it was the craving. once you've been sick the first time you want to 'get your moneys worth' and so stuff your face because u think bugger it i can. then that starts to rule your life.

I'd finally had enough and told my counsillor, then my parents (who were understanding) and im being reffered to a specialist (which is scary). im trying to tackle this on my own but i just cant do it, mum and dad seem to have forgotten, i know they dont want to pressure me but still! my boyfriend doesnt know what to do and to be honest i dont know what to tell him. the only way anyone can understand is if theyve been through it otherwise its as simple to them as 'just stop being sick' or 'dont be so stupid' or 'its just food', if it was that simple would we still do it? i dont know if its a deep psycological issue or im just weak but i cant do it alone. when i get my cravings i litterally have a devil and angel on my shouders shouting at eachother 'go on whats stopping you?' - 'dont do it youve done so well'. i just cant stand it.

you know what else i cant stand? looking at myself in the mirror! i know being sick never really helped with the weight loss but it made me feel better. i'd eat and feel good because id satisfied my craving then feel overwhelmingly guilty then be sick and feel physical relief from having a bloated stomach and mental relief from the guilt. i just dont like myself and i know my boyfriend doesnt like me this weight, it doesnt help with mum commenting on my love handles etc. i try so hard but i regressed about 2 weeks ago and ate loads and made myself sick, to be fair i didnt feel ant better for it but you just cant help it right?

i cant help but feel that the only person i can turn to is Mark (boyfriend) but he cant help me in any way. i told him tonight i was going to be sick and i hate myself and know he does too to which he replied 'i know you can get through this, i love you.' which is nice, ok, but its not what i need i need more. is anyone else isolated?

PLEASE, IF YOU CAN RELATE REPLY OR CONTACT ME BECAUSE I CANT GO THROUGH THIS ALONE X

[heart18]

heya ye i no how u feel i am completely iolated no one knows i've been bulimic for about 2 and1/2 years.i can't even bring myself to tell people cos i no they just won't get it cos i'm not particularily thin r anything so like you said i no they'll just be lik 'just don't throw up'. at least you don't have to completely hide it though. up until last year i had friend with really bad ana/mia and i had to listen to her problems on the phone everyday like her councellor or something meanwhile i was also doing same things she was.i'm so afraid if i tell people that i will become like her.it would also unravel so much like how i am failing college, wasting money...i too am so tired of my 'rituals' it's kind of gotten to the point where they arent even satisfying anmore but can't stop. i don't know how you put up with your mums comments...my mum used to say those kinds of things b4 i became bulimic and really really used to upset me. i don't think i can offer any advice as ihave no idea how to even begin to stop but i can definitly relate! and supportxxx

[simple?_wrong]

im not particularly thin either! and now ive stopped it makes it worse. im not sure whether to tell you to let people know or keep it to yourself, i know how big of a burden it is so maybe tell one person that your really close to. you dont have to explain it or anything or want advice from them but to get it off your chest is a relief. then again they might go crazy at you.. so maybe not, thats up to you really. meh, im used to my mums comments and to be honest its not as though shes making it up i do have love handles and wobbly bits, shes probably just trying to push me to lose it in a better way. do you want to stop? or do you just want to talk? either way, we can help eachother i think :). can i ask you what mia and b/p is? lol i should probbably know this but i dont, ana is obviously anorexic but the others confuse me. xxx

[heart18]

sorry mia is bulimia n b/p is binge/purge!both really!i don't ever want to b/p aain but i cnt stop!all i want is to be toned and thin not lik disgustingly thin just thin.but realistically i'm not ever going to be able to eat healthily cos i don't no how to!i no how to undereat nd overeat and thats it...lik any 'health' food that has any kind of oil r nut r cheese i wud never touch even tho they r 'health' foods. i just think they're fattening. even tho logically i no it wud be ebetter2eat that and then no eat 10,000 calories in one go and throw it up.i dunno eating isn't fun for me i only ever binge. ive been bulimic for lik 2 and a half years how long have you been bulimic for?r u in school r college...?xxx

[FishFace]

It is especially hard to tell other people you're bulimic when you don't think you're thin (I'm definitely not!), so it's like "I don't look like I have a problem." And I think that most people who haven't gone through this (and even some who have!) just can't understand, won't understand, and don't see what the problem is.

Those are reasons to keep it from your friends or family, especially if you think they won't be supportive. But those are not reasons to keep it from a doctor. If you want to ask for help, it's easiest to go to a doctor/psychologist/counselor. At least they understand that bulimics aren't necessarily thin, that bulimia is like an addiction, that it's hard to give up, etc. They've seen this stuff before.

I feel totally isolated in this, yet a LOT of people have similar problems! Undoubtedly there are hundreds of other people in my town who have been or are bulimic. It's weird to think about.

BTW, I hate family comments too. Family can suck sometimes, they think they have the privilege of calling you "fatty" whenever they want, or stupid shit like that.

[simple?_wrong]

well, i have stopped now. i just keep thinking i want to eat this... so i do! then feel bad but i think nope cant be sick be a good girl lol n so i dont but i feel relly bad like now im eating chocolate strawberrys! i think its just about will power to stop the eating because for me (might be different for you) its the eating thats the issue not bulimia, i can stop being sick when i want i just cant help myself eating which then makes me want to be sick but i dont like it so i can stop myself doing that...

n you know what! it sucks to be a bit chubby n people just think your being stupid or making it up when you say your bulemic! just cause we dont look emmensely thin. erm im gunna make up some names for you two because i dont like calling people by their screen names if thats ok?? i just feel a bit silly lol, heart18 = betty? fishface = lola? hehe that cheered me up a bit :).

and ive been bulemic for about two years aswell and im at college atm how about you betty? and lola, i think i read one of your posts about seeing a counsilor, hows that going for you? xxx