Need Advice on Therapy!

[LightsTurnOff]

I honestly never thought I'd find myself posting in the recovery section of any forum, I always imagined my life would be anorexia and for a long time I was content with that but I can't stand the internal conflict anymore. I started in therapy the end of January and most of the time I feel like I'm moving backwards. Talking about my anorexia drives me to worse destruction but I really want to make a go of things this time. I've put everything on hold because of my overwhelming desire to get to the point where I would die of emaciation. I suppose anorexia has always been my control and eventually I wanted it to become my slow suicide.

I've really never been able to discuss why I became ill in the first place, obviously I know why, but I find it so hard to convey or verbalise to anyone that I've always stayed silent. The closest I came to telling my therapist was that I slept with my bedroom door bolted because I was terrified of anyone coming into the room. I'm sure you have all got a good idea of what I mean by that, although I don't like to use the word. It was many years ago. I have memories of the event but thankfully they cut off pretty early, I've gone over it in my head so many times though that I'm so confused over the details. I've even tried to convince my mind it didn't happen and I must be imagining things. But I know the truth. I think though that me holding back this information however is the key to me not getting better, because I can't address it on my own. I know that the control I lost during that event I have spent many many years trying to get back through starving myself, obsessing over everything, SH/SI and trying to retain a childlike persona. Although I am an adult, I sure don't feel that way. It's just not working for me anymore, I want to get to a place where I can take care of myself, hold down a job, have something more than this.

I just need some advice on how to bring this up with my therapist. I just don't even know where to begin, let alone what to say or how to word things? I feel like I have to put on some front and not get upset and defeated by it. I can't stand crying infront of others because I just like to grieve on my own. I don't know if I fear judgement, I fear other people knowing though. Obviously I can control what I know about me, I can't control what others do with information about me even if it is confidential. I think I need reassurance from others who have maybe experienced recovery more than I have or who maybe have been in a similar situation that this is the best thing for me to do?

Natalie x

[JEANNE]

HI, this is th 4th time I've tried to reply........

[Jacklinger]

I never did well in therapy myself. It just felt too silly and made me feel like a bit of a loser who had to talk to a professional because he had no friends.

Sounds like you're trying to erase a memory. I know something about that. Keep trying to erase it, eventually you will succeed, but the feeling, subdued, will remain still. Be careful how much you erase. We are our memories and erasing them is the same erasing ourselves.

I'm not sure what to say about your therapist. If you really want to mention those bad times to her, just blurt them out or something. It's just as good as any other method.

[lovehopefaith]

You could try writing it down if it's hard for you to verbalise it hun?

x

[tracy cutter]

ive been in therapy for nine years and just recently a few months ago have i been able to say i had "trauma" as a child. nothing more than that. only once in nine years have i been able to give out a few comments about what happened. i would rather forget but each time the thoughts pop back in my head i need to cut or pick at the scabs for blood. grr thinking about this is stressing me out.. lots of anxiety coming my way

[LightsTurnOff]

Thanks everyone for the replies and useful suggestions! So I should probably update - I went to a therapy session the Thursday just gone and the first thing I was asked was 'how did I think everything was going?'. I don't know why but it really pushed me over the edge and all I could think was that I'd never been able to say why I think I am now eating disordered, so I suppose in a round about way I just said it. I didn't give any details or say what exactly happened but I'm sure I will get to the stage where I feel able to do that eventually.

I do feel better for getting it out, like Jack said you can try and erase a memory but really working through it and laying it to rest is much better in the long term. My therapist did suggest a plan moving forward, that I should attend sessions every 2 weeks and be ready to discuss this event etc. It'd be so easy for me to say 'forget it, I'll keep it a secret' but honestly I do feel like this is really the right time and however hard it is to work through hopefully the rewards at the end will far outweigh any psychological pain I may feel. I did also take the suggestion of writing things down and ask that if at any point I felt not able to verbalise something if I could do that and then attempt to share, which is apparently also fine.

So yeah I suppose at this moment in time I do feel like I am still along way from a better future but at the same time everyone starts the journey to said future at some point. :)