im obsessed. im messed up.

[shayyy333]

I just want to be normal.
I want to eat when im hungry, and stop when im not.
I want to be at a party and eat one brownie, and not feel the need, the aching desire, to have five more.
I want to be like a normal human, one who doesnt, for some reason, want to just eat all day long.
I want my mind to simply stop thinking about thinking about food every waking second of the day.
When im going to eat. what im going to eat. how many calories it has. how fat it will make me.
A reel of food plays inside my head of food food food.
I want it. All of it. So much i explode.
I wish i was able to eat like a normal person. Im trying to get back to normal, but food is so scarey because it will make me ugly.
I know that veggie grinder isnt that bad! Its really not! I want to eat it! Some days i do! But today, i just wont. I cant.
Why cant i think of anything else? Im so messed up.

I want to be able to walk by a mirror and not look in it, to not need to check and see if i look different this time.
I dont like having to touch my thighs every few minutes, just to see what they feel like.
Are they skinny today? firm and smooth and beautiful? I love those days.
Or flabby and gross? I cant bring myself to smile on those days.
Every single step i take is punctuated by a thought about my body.
Wondering how i appear to others.
Being proud of the changes ive made to it so far.
Being ashamed of the things i dislike.
My head spins with all the conflicting thoughs.
My mind is so fucked up.
For the next two 4 hours before i go to bed, these are the thoughts that consume me.
and they will all tomarro.
and for the rest of forever......

I just want to be normal.
I dont want to think of these things over and over and over.
I just want to be normal......

[SkinKnee28]

The majority of us feel the same way you do. i hope you don't feel alone in your situation. We're all here to help and support you with everything.

Hang in there

[Jacklinger]

It gets easier as you get older. It wont feel that away forever. You're at a very difficult age. It would be nice if you could enjoy your youth rather than racking yourself with this kind of worry. I don't really have any good advice for you because I pretty much obsessed the same way.

But if someone had taught me how to meditate way back then, it might have helped. But I'm not sure I would've listened to them. I was pretty stubborn then.

Imagine this: if you could just stop and sit and shut off your mind whenever you didn't have anything to do, would you do it just so you didn't have to obsess all the time? Sitting is one of the most useful skills anyone can have. If you could just sit and do nothing, without going insane, think how much easier time could pass for you? You could be at peace, without worry, without internal drama, so that you could spend your energy dealing with external drama. That's basically all meditating is. It's the art of just sitting and doing nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing mental jumping jacks and pulling your hair out. If you're willing to try, it's actually easy to start. Sit somewhere quiet, or relatively quiet, get comfortable, and just count your breaths. Count up to four, and start over. Yes it's pretty boring, but that's the point. Boredom is the opposite of drama and that sounds like what you need right now. You may start to notice your surroundings more than before, things other than your body of course because you seem to notice that quite regularly. Try to just sit and count your breaths for just 2 minutes. I don't do it for any longer than 10 minutes myself and rarely practice it more than twice a week. It's not something you really have to do every day at certain times like most Buddhists or Hindus say. It can be used whenever you need it, like medicine.

As for the intense food cravings, I have those too. I usually treat that with coffee and nice quiet sit. But if they're really bad, I will take a teaspoon of vinegar. It's disgusting but it seems to alter the chemical balance in my stomach which sabotages the mechanism creating the cravings. It's only a temporary fix though because they start to come back two hours later, but by then I can usually move myself away from the source of temptation. Maybe you could give that a try too.

[Massive-Molly]

Aw, honey. I know it's so frustrating. That's exactly how I feel! It's like you took the words right out of my head.
I know it's hard, but you are not alone.

Eating disoders take over every aspect of your life and they are extremely hard to get rid of. But it is possible. Just don't forget that you want to be normal. Keep striving for that. I know that's not going to make everything better, but don't give up.
You will beat this someday.
If you ever need to talk or rant, feel free to PM me.
*hugs*

Lots of love,
Molly

[shayyy333]

But if someone had taught me how to meditate way back then, it might have helped. But I'm not sure I would've listened to them. I was pretty stubborn then.

Imagine this: if you could just stop and sit and shut off your mind whenever you didn't have anything to do, would you do it just so you didn't have to obsess all the time? Sitting is one of the most useful skills anyone can have. If you could just sit and do nothing, without going insane, think how much easier time could pass for you? You could be at peace, without worry, without internal drama, so that you could spend your energy dealing with external drama. That's basically all meditating is. It's the art of just sitting and doing nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing mental jumping jacks and pulling your hair out. If you're willing to try, it's actually easy to start. Sit somewhere quiet, or relatively quiet, get comfortable, and just count your breaths. Count up to four, and start over. Yes it's pretty boring, but that's the point. Boredom is the opposite of drama and that sounds like what you need right now. You may start to notice your surroundings more than before, things other than your body of course because you seem to notice that quite regularly. Try to just sit and count your breaths for just 2 minutes. I don't do it for any longer than 10 minutes myself and rarely practice it more than twice a week. It's not something you really have to do every day at certain times like most Buddhists or Hindus say. It can be used whenever you need it, like medicine.

As for the intense food cravings, I have those too. I usually treat that with coffee and nice quiet sit. But if they're really bad, I will take a teaspoon of vinegar. It's disgusting but it seems to alter the chemical balance in my stomach which sabotages the mechanism creating the cravings. It's only a temporary fix though because they start to come back two hours later, but by then I can usually move myself away from the source of temptation. Maybe you could give that a try too.

About the meditation, it sounds ideal honestly. But i just dont know HOW to shut off the voices in my head.... theyre stuck on repeat. But actually, im doing a research paper on meditation for my psych class, so maybe ill figure it out.

But about that last part, about craving, i think u missed what im getting at. Its not cravings i deal with. Its 24-hour, 7 days a week, 365 days a year desire. Like, if i could be skinny AND eat, i would probably drop out of school simply so that i could stay home all day long and EAT. I honestly, for some reason, just want to eat as much as i physically can ALL THE TIME. Maybe its OED, i dont know. But i just love food to death. And one brownie doesnt satisfy me, i need the whole pan, the whole tub of icecream, and all the cookies in the box. I dont eat like this simply because i cant, money wise, health wise, time wise, but if i could, i would.

[silver_elf]

maybe join some meditation classes? do yoga, etc
try out some different things.
try to find some other things you really enjoy.

not the most amazing advice I know... but just something to think about. :)

I hope things improve for you! Sounds like you're in a really bad place right now. Things WILL get better. it could take days, it could take decades...(to be honest) but they will get better someday. Especially if you work at it. Things have a way of somehow working out if you try.

[Misfit]

It gets easier as you get older. It wont feel that away forever. You're at a very difficult age. It would be nice if you could enjoy your youth rather than racking yourself with this kind of worry. I don't really have any good advice for you because I pretty much obsessed the same way.



Is it really getting easier ? I'm almost 24 years old and dealing with different EDs since my childhood and honestly its just getting harder and harder,it even seems to me that I'm getting weaker and my EDs stronger but may be its just me or my mind who's telling that. What I know for sure is you start to find a way to cope with them a bit easier, its basically I got used to them and on the other hand I finally managed to ask for help and now I'm waiting for a recovery place.
I know how you all feel and I do feel the same and I keep on trying to tell myself one day I may be will be a bit more normal. I actually think it will be a battle for more days,weeks,months or even years but I will keep on fighting,will keep on giving in for some time and than fighting back again coz somehow deep inside I know there is a way out of it.
The spoon full of vinegar sounds pretty interesting, may be I gonna put that in when I go back on my fast tomorrow.

@shayyy Try to find something which keeps your mind more busy then food, I know cheap talk and it won't be easy but fucking hell there must be something in this world which is more important to us then just thinking about food and so on, lets try to find a way to break through.