I'm scared I need help...

[Miss Jacinta]

First let me say this is not easy. I am not sure I'm ready to stop cutting, and I hate asking for help. But I need help. Desperatly.
Last night my best friend told me that she can't be friends with me unless I stop cutting, well, self-harming in general. I said I would, but now I need to work out how...

I've been self-harming for almost as long as I can remember, I've been hitting myself since I was (thinking...) um... 7ish. I started cutting late last year, when I was 15. Now I'm almost 16 I'm thinking about suicide every other day, I have plans to run away if I feel the need to, and my legs look horrible. I'm anorexic, but my friend is willing to let that continue if I can stop cutting. I think she'll make me give up my only way to be thin later. Back to the point. I cut for several reasons.
1)When I think of my friend as more than a friend (yes I have a crush on her, I'm bi)
2)When I eat too much
3)When I have a fight with anyone
4)When I neglect schoolwork
5)When I want to run away or die, it's kind of a this-will-do-for-now thing.
Sometimes I do it simply because I like the lines, it looks pretty. Well prettier than my leg with no decoration.

I want to quit because I need my friend. If I loose her I have no one really. I can probably find people to hang around with at lunch and in class, but they'll drive me crazy and might push me a little too far. Either that or I'll spend all lunch every lunch alone, and group assignments will be hell. I'm scared I'll loose my friends if I keep cutting, I don't want to lie to them, also they know how to tell if I've cut or not, and I don't want to stop. My only option is to stop though. Please I need help.

Please, anyone, I need help. I need help badly. I need to stop something I want to continue.

[guerigue]

I know how you feel. I stoped cutting about five months ago but I have done other types of SI. I piked up smoking though which i dont suggest because its a really bad habit and very hard to break, but it does the trick for me. it also works with taking my hunger away which is great! I got sent to a clinic for SI and ANA so I just got out a bit ago and I must say that that did the trick for me to stop cutting but my ED is never going to leave me. Sometimes instead of cutting I puch the wall. I used to punch my self but the wall felt a lot better, especially if its a cement wall. It hurts like a BITCH but it feels so great.....its a lovely feeling. and when I punch something besides myself i feel like i pass on some of my pain...kinda hard to explain. I have so many scars on my arms and legs now. I have wearing long sleevs or shorts or bikinis cause everyone can see them and some are soo big....I feel so self conscious about them...like if im letting people into my personal life when they see them and i dont want them to know i cut (well used to) because it makes me feel ashamed and worthless like always! but the thing they always made us work on in the clinic or rehab what ever you wanna call it :) is to redirect our anger, pain and shame towards something else. thats were i got the punching the wall thing from. and i also picked up smoking there since most people did it. when i smoke the fact of picturing my lungs shriviling and dying little by little makes me feel great! I hope this helps a little!

[Miss Jacinta]

Thanks, it does help a bit. Though I can't go to a clinic. Only my friends know about it. They're helping me, but it's hard because I've decided to pretend I've gotten better. But that's not definative. Some hours I'm giving up others I'm pretending to.